Monday, August 9

“The holiness and the love of our God are more displayed in man's redemption, than in all his other works…….. in serving God we should spare no cost or pains. Praise God with strong faith; praise him with holy love and delight; praise him with entire confidence in Christ; praise him with believing triumph over the powers of darkness; praise him by universal respect to all his commands; praise him by cheerful submission to all his disposals; praise him by rejoicing in his love, and comforting ourselves in his goodness; praise him by promoting the interests of the kingdom of his grace; praise him by lively hope and expectation of the kingdom of his glory. Since we must shortly breathe our last, while we have breath let us praise the Lord; then we shall breathe our last with comfort.“ Matthew Henry

I wish that I could understand the situation and where the animosity and anger are driving themselves into the open from. Yes, I’m no saint but I am farther from the corrupted sinful and dangerous man that there seems to be an effort to paint me as. I have never been one to publicly criticize another or to bring their unsavory or ignoble characteristics to the fore and I don’t see a reason why to do so now, but the temptation is there regardless to defend myself and the reputation that I have. But I know I will not, I will simply fade into the fabric of this darken world.

The lesson is learned and hopefully in a way that I will not forget.

Someone told me that I have always used the military as an excuse to run away, to flee my responsibilities in what would seem a noble way. Abandoning the situation for one where I can at least fight back or be overrun, a place where I can at least shoot back at the ones who are shooting at me. And that may be partly true….not running away so much as being ensconced in a place where I know what to expect with a reasonably manageable degree of unpredictability.

But I think it is more than that……I want to return to the military because I know I was good at it and capable of doing the job at hand. I may not have made a ‘major’ name for myself but I would be known as a good solider. Accusations wouldn’t have a place in that life and regulations would cover any eventuality that I’d face.
It wouldn’t be like now; where I cannot understand the anger of an ex, the compassion of an ex-wife and the friendship that has been so stalwart and true in the eleven years I known my friend.

It wouldn’t be like here; where I am seriously doubting not only my calling to ministry but the faith that drove me to that place where I heard that call. Where I wonder if the image that others have of me is incorrect or correct, depending on whom you speak of and how such disparagements can happen inside the same person. Do I have multiple personalities?

Maybe the darkness inside my soul, like that inside every human being, is too dark for the light to penetrate, too deep for the rock ever to touch bottom, and too thick to ever be free.
If that’s the case, then my faith is in vain.
Even if that’s the case, God is good….God is faithful…..God is true.
And it will be the last utterance of these lips when the heart of painful life ceases to beat.

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