Friday, October 12

Stepping forward shaking like a leaf.....

"And it came about in the month Nisan, in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, that wine was before him, and I took up the wine and gave it to the king. Now I had not been sad in his presence. 2 So the king said to me, “Why is your face sad though you are not sick? This is nothing but sadness of heart.” Then I was very much afraid. 3 I said to the king, “Let the king live forever. Why should my face not be sad when the city, the place of my fathers’ tombs, lies desolate and its gates have been consumed by fire?” 4 Then the king said to me, “What would you request?” So I prayed to the God of heaven. " Nehemiah 2:1-4 NASB.

Life continues, often even past the very point where we don't have confidence it will anymore. And the call still echoes like life in my bones, and I find myself struggling like Isaiah where I do not want to speak of things of God, but I find I have to, because I cannot contain the fire in my bones.

Who am I? I am a sinner, broken and bruised, unworthy of salvation, unworthy of the call God has placed upon me. But God, the Creator of all that is good and worthy made me.....so, I find that I do have value, when viewed in my Father's eyes.

And how do I get the God of Holiness to look my way? He who is righteous beyond all measure and standards known? Through the blood sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ.

If I lead, who will follow? Does it matter in the scheme of the Father's plan to wonder about that? I've expressed frustration this week, over the seemingly echoing silence from Heaven over the turmoils in my life. The lack of endorsement from the leadership, the lack of discipleship from the church, and the fire....consuming and demanding that I follow the call.

Nehemiah, despite being a highly placed official in the court of the King, was afraid when the King asked him why he was sad. Not because he didn't have the answer, but because he was afraid of the results. So what did he do? He prayed.

He phoned home.

In our counseling class last night, we learned that theological standard of communication with God. God won't communicate anything that is opposing to His word. Though, as Dr. Sandra Wilson said in the DVD, I haven't heard an audible voice since the call to come home in my relationshipal conversations with God, I have been spoken to.

God doesn't require perfection to be in ministry, God doesn't require all the ducks in a row. God requires obedience and desire to serve. God requires an answering to the call. God requires that I subject myself to Him and all my faults, sins, and sorrows upon His table so that He can address the problems and enable the solutions. To be an open book.

I struggle, with finances, in my marriage relationship, and with other personal issues that it seems many Christian leaders would say disqualifies me from service. But I see nowhere in the Bible where anything I have done would do so in God's eyes. Moses murdered. Jonah ran.

I cannot offer anything to the call that would enable me to point to myself as the source of the glory. I cannot boast upon my own strengths.

I can only offer service and allow my will to be subjected to the will of the Almighty God of all Creation.

Jim