Ponderings...

"Do not be turned from the right way by foolish words; for because of these things the punishment of God comes on those who do not put themselves under him." Ephesians 5:6 BBE

No matter what, I have tried to be honorable in the circumstances that exist in this war between my ex and I, quaintly labeled divorce, and to what I believe is right, even when some would question that judgment and some would question that honor. What is right isn't always what feels right and what is truth doesn't always be the easiest to follow. Neither is the constant bombardment of verbal and mental abuse that has been the hallmark of the last two and a half years. But even in the midst of the 'night attacks' and 'sapper harrasments', there has been one thing that I can control and one thing only; my response and reaction to the person involved, who is surely hurting as much as I am.

It is hard to take the eternal view, that the judgment of all things has been and will forever be in the hands of God. No matter what the courts, lawyers or people may say. Even in this situation, where I have gone as a result of someone else's choices and decisions that drew them and everything that connected us into the darkness of this world has been solely upon the faith I have been tested and tried with in the last three years. Knowing God doesn't approve of divorce, knowing that there are biblical grounds for such; allowed through the broken nature of our humanity; I have spent this time working to be honorable...and towards the end of things, it is growing harder and harder to not respond with equal and hurtful actions and words.

I am far from a perfect human being, as far as I understand....so is everyone else. But God convicted me early on in the battle that I would have to be honorable and not respond to wound with wound, vicious word with vicious word....no matter how difficult it would be not to find 'self-justified' reasons to respond equally. There were those who disagreed with such a noble sentiment, considering it foolish not to be equally as forceful (in a loving way) in this prolonged battle.

But I did and I remained.....honorable. By the tips of my fingers and with a desperation known of sweat, blood and tears that make my grip slippery at best.
I had though the time had come where the fruit of honoring God's word and conviction to be honorable was being bore upon the vine; recently the friction and the strife have died down to manageable levels. Conversation has been less hurtful and more towards the redeeming grace of healing.

And when I thought that it was safe to let down my guard, I found myself open for more painful wounding and vicious words. Foolish words, hateful and hurtful....wounding and stabbing my open heart and sending me limping back to shelter. Someone has read MacBeth and wants their pound of flesh.

God has been largely silent in this latest battle, as if He has said enough on the subject (stand firm in faith, be honorable as I would have you be) and will say nothing more.

I have lived on the edge of faith for so long now; disasters and circumstances have lashed at this tiny little row boat cast out upon the vastness of the open seas. As I battle in the storm, brutalized by the fierceness of the gale winds, numbed by the pounding of the cold and strength-sapping waves and exhausted by the constantly steady bailing to keep myself afloat; my faith is foremost and open before my sight.

George Mueller said, "Faith does not operate in the realm of the possible. There is no glory for God in that which is humanly possible. Faith begins where man's power ends." Is there glory for God in a place where He didn't design us to go? There is no rescue like the one of Elijah of his wayward wife from her return to prostitution, no sudden 'repentance and redemption' born from an awakening from sin. I have borne the responsibility of this failure before the Throne and been called to account for the things that I have sole responsbility for.

But there is no peace in this valley and only the eternal hope of salvation purchased and signed for through the blood of Jesus Christ. It is only through the strength of He who sent His only Son to stand in my stead upon that cross of mankind's sin that has kept me through this constant strife.

Even then....as I grow ever more weary from the struggle, I remember this. Even our enemies, either made or shaped through the struggles of life, are children of God.
And how honorable do I want to be before my brethren, my faith and my God?

George, of www.worthynews.com, sent this story in a devotional today. I thought it appropriate to that question:

A friend sent us this story about a young lady named Sally and her experience in a recent seminary class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. Dr. Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons. This particular day, Sally walked into the class and knew they were in for a fun day.

On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person's picture.

Sally's friend drew a picture of girl who had stolen her boyfriend. Another guy drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of a former friend. The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students were throwing their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart and everyone was laughing hysterically.

Finally, Dr. Smith asked all the students to be seated. He came to the front of the class with a less-than-amused look on his face. As he began removing the target from the wall, there appeared underneath, a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture; holes and jagged marks covered Jesus' face, and His eyes were pierced.

Dr. Smith said only these words. "In as much as you have done it unto the least of these my brothers, you have done it unto Me." Matthew 25:40.

Even in the midst of life's struggles, God continues to bless, to guide, to teach and to inspire me to the Purpose He calls us all..........

TO LIVE LIFE ETERNAL