The Ultimate Gift

“We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave His life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers.” 1 John 3:16(GW)

We often dramatize this verse…..giving our physical life into death for another believer. We pat ourselves on the back and think we’re doing something wonderful if we have that moment in which our life becomes forfeit for another….in that situation. Then we continue on about our day, ignoring the brothers and sisters struggling to make ends meet and having disasters visit their doorstep. We will help so long as it doesn’t create for us any inconvenience or trouble. We will do outreach with our churches only if several conditions are met; our funds have covered our building and salary expenses and it fits into our ‘free’ time. We will do anything and everything so long as it is in our best interests and meets our desires.

Look at the verse again.

Christ gave His life. This life did not start at the age of thirty, when most theologians believe He started His earth-bound ministry. It didn’t start in the height of royalty or wealth. We look at the end of Christ’s life (and reasonably so) and forget that He lived a life from birth to death that spanned thirty-three years. Now read that verse again. His life, not just the end of His life or a moment or two. He gave His entire life to the love that He holds for each of us. Before we were even born.

The Ultimate Gift, we call it.

Now how does that reflect in your life?

Two people recently stepped up to me and blessed me with some things that were needed in my life, both of them were inconvenienced somewhat by their blessings. They gave a part of their lives so that I would be blessed. They stepped out of their world and into mine, with the intentionality of making a difference for me. It would’ve been easier to just let the moment pass by. They are still alive, living life on this broken world…….but I would say they’ve exemplified this verse.

How have you reflected your love in this way to those around you?

How have you been an ultimate gift to those who believe like you?

The Prodigal Father with two sons.....

“The younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of the estate I have coming to me.' So he distributed the assets to them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered together all he had and traveled to a distant country, where he squandered his estate in foolish living……….But [the older son] replied to his father, 'Look, I have been slaving many years for you, and I have never disobeyed your orders, yet you never gave me a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when [the younger son] of yours came, who has devoured your assets with prostitutes, you slaughtered the fattened calf for him.' (Luke 15:12-13, 29-30 HCSB)

I knew this parable, now correctly identified theologically as “The Story of Two Sons”, as the Prodigal Son and have written on my blog about it. The worst thing in the world I ever heard was, “You are just like your father.” The first comment caused me, when I left home at the age of sixteen and turned my back on ‘The Church” to hate looking in the mirror because I was reminded of whom I looked like. Granted, my father was no saint and did a lot of things that were wrong but I understand him more and the wounds that he himself carried in the darkness of this world. Indeed, we were very much alike.

I left home at sixteen, boldly telling both my fathers (earthly as well as the heavenly) that I was done with them and would be a shining example of the problematic son that would only bring grief in the telling of who’s I was. A majority of my testimony I’ll probably never tell in one sitting because of the places I went and the darkness I wrapped myself up into. Much like the younger son, whom squandered the inheritance, I was for the majority of my life. I even squandered the financial inheritance my father sent me a few months after I left home. I was, in my opinion, everything my earthly father hated in one of his offspring. What I didn't know is that everyday my heavenly Father looked longingly down the road for my profile to crest the hill.

The greatest thing I ever heard on this earth was, “I was never, for one minute, ashamed of you.” I can remember sitting down in the living room of my earthly father’s trailer on the farm in Gladwin and telling him I had traveled up there to ‘bury the hatchet’ for my own sake, if not for him. I was tired of running away from myself because of who I reminded myself of and I was sorry that I had been a son of whom he was ashamed. The shock on his face, along with the words he spoke, was not what I had practiced for or expected. We didn't suddenly become close, hugging and weeping in each other’s arms and when he passed away a few months later, the intensity of the sorrow was partly for that lack of intimate love a father and son should have had…..but, that step was part of the journey I began to take to understand the man I knew as my father. To this day, I look in the mirror and thank God for the memory that presents itself to me of the man known as Ronald Lawrence Hutson.

I thought my connection to this parable ended there, but my heavenly Father taught me something in the last year that had me realize that this was not true.

Against my heavenly Father, I have been an older son too, especially in regards to the pursuit of His purpose for me. It has been a struggle, fighting the wounds of the past and dealing with the circumstances of my sinful life. I am very much older, physically, than my chronological age because of the abuses I once visited upon a body I didn't care for and the emotional scarring that was allowed in the darkness to tighten and limit my mental health. Much of the last year has been a ‘quieting’ of the ‘What about me?” syndrome that has haunted the lessons and discipling that the Lord has put me through, at my request, because I have surrendered all I am to His shaping. It has been hard, this redemption of my mind and soul, because I've struggled with the concept of love and mercy and grace…..and why, if I was ‘doing so well’ I still faced the struggles I did. Much like the older son, I wanted the bigger portion because I had done the ‘bigger’ growing.

The greatest thing I've ever heard from the Heavens is “"'Son,' he said to him, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.””

As always, I have learned, it is a choice that you have to make; both initially and continuously, whether you will remain outside the party in anger at the celebration of sibling or go inside to raise your heart in praise at what the Father has done.

And that is a prodigal move either way.

The night He burned those idols down

"He knows what He is doing with me, and when He has tested me, I will come forth as pure gold" Francis I. Anderson "Job: An introduction and Commentary" Job 23:10

(as quoted from Timothy Keller’s book Counterfeit gods: The empty promises of money, sex, and power and the only hope that matters.)

It has been a long and difficult 2010, not because of the events that have happened along the way. No, the things that have made 2010 difficult haven’t been consequences, though they definitely were felt; haven’t been the deep disconnection that has come from the breakup with Shannon, though I must admit to being deeply wounded from that departure; hasn’t been the difficulties with the job search, one year and two months (and counting) or the opinions that surface as the time moves on and opportunities fail and chances are missed; hasn’t been the health aspect of my physical body (back in braces for the hands, taking high blood pressure medicine, high heart rate medicine, high cholesterol medicine) and increase in weight gain. It seems everything that has transpired has brought me to the place where I needed to be so that God’s sculpting could commence with purpose.

Keller speaks of the sin beneath the sin, the foundational cement upon which idols are set, unconsciously worshiped and pinned for, to the absence and rejection of God. It is that sin, the one I recognized in my life for the past year, especially the first six months of the relationship I was blessed to experience with Shannon, that drove the consequences and results into the mire of my despair and why God has brought me back to this place I thought I’d never see again. It is a place where I know I’ll have to come time and time again as I journey into the purpose He has set for me, however He decides to work it out and how it is envisioned by the Holy Spirit…..for even as I get closer to home, the danger of erecting similar idols will increase for I know where He would have me go is not for the faint hearted.

The cold bitter wind blows hard in this place, so hard I am surprised I can breathe. It is impossible to light the fire here; there is no fuel for it anyway. I can only shiver in the numbing cold and pour my broken, bitter and angry heart out to a God that I turn away from even as I call His name…. the idol of my sin blocking my sight of even His distant light.

As Paul says in Romans, God has ‘give[n me] over to the desires of [my] heart….” (Romans 1:24). It wasn’t a corrupt thing but it was a thing that was meant for something good and beautiful that became corrupted in my greed for it. My thoughts, my hopes and my dreams entangled by its thorns, my day dreams full of its ‘successfulness’ and my dreams at night enraptured by its enticements. It became, well before even Shannon entered into the picture, an idol I would build daily and wail before as the darkness loomed. It started well before Kristy, though the tale is woven with the same results and the others that I sought to be in a ‘intimate’ relationship with both before and after my salvation accepted. This idol has lived and breathed in the moments of my life with the sickly-sweet odor of its succulent petals and bled me upon the harsh prick of its thorns.

Keller breaks it down into three distinct ‘idols’, but I believe I wrapped them all up into the one called love.

The love of approval, comfort and control that would give me the desire of my heart; someone who would never reject me, chastise me or hurt me.

But it wasn’t something I believed, even in the dark days of my life, that this so-called God of Jacob, this great I AM, was capable of delivering. After all, I had the life to prove that god’s incapability in such matters and so I built that idol out of the gold in my life to worship as I controlled it, demanded of it and heaped condemnation upon even as I groveled for its favor. So God released me to its deaden worship, even as I faced the depravity of my sinful nature and begged His eternal mercy and grace.

This mighty God will not demand our worship, though it is His to do so. This God will not beg our worship, even as His heart breaks to allow us our freedom to idolatrize the desires of our hearts. No, He releases His hands ever so little as we struggle against Him and His loving grip.

That idol was ignored when I was in New York and doing the Bowery Mission work with Shannon… the happiness and joy felt there was far removed from the simple quest for its appearance in the life we would return to once the week was over. It is there that one of the truths Keller speaks of, that the removal of idols can only happen with the increased closeness to God was evident and true. Once New York was gone, the idol was re-erected and love corrupted by its worship.

Six months and three weeks to the day, Shannon told me that she didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. The idol had failed, again.

I have been forced, in the last six months as I have sat here in the bitter dark cold of this place, to face this idol and look in disgust at its visage. Streaked with the dark stain of sin, it no longer glitters or entices or even attracts me anymore…..for if its existence is the one thing that God requires to take away in His demanded sacrifice of my desire, then I have journeyed to my Mount Moriah and laid the desire of a love that bleeds approval, gives comfort and controls only the beating of its life onto the altar I’ve built there. And offered it to the cleansing fire that comes from the only hope I have. I have gone from needing this, desperately wanting it and manipulating my world for it to seeking Him in all of its beauty and glorious honor it brings its Creator.

“And Abraham named that place The LORD Will Provide, so today it is said: "It will be provided on the LORD's mountain." (Genesis 22:14 HCSB)

There are many things that were damaged and destroyed by this idol. Shannon walked away from the relationship we shared six months ago because the idolatry of its existence in my life corrupted a beautiful wonderful and potentially dynamic thing that it would’ve been if I had sacrificed it upon the Mount Moriah altar even before we began. I used it to justify turning my back on the impossible things God called me to do, I used it as an excuse or a sheepskin upon the thrashing room floor as a test of God’s purpose. With the impossibility of the future dying upon its golden table, I begged cajoled and controlled this idol…..the altar upon which this idol sat burned day and night with the desires of my heart….for God had surrendered me to it.

In the end, the idol failed to deliver as it had failed to do so in the annuals of my life’s story. It hurt more this time for one simple fact; I learned to dress this idol up as a facsimile of what I thought was God. I fooled myself with its enticements and imagery and called it God. I sat as David upon the castle top and gazed upon this idol with lust instead of stepping back into a role of a godly man seeking God’s will in it and all things that my life was bringing.

I have sought her forgiveness and worked on my own. I pray for her and the marvelous things that God has given her to taste in this world, events that have lavished her in His love and tender mercies and prayed for myself, that I would even as I failed to be in the relationship a true friend even in the twilight of notice.

Now the Bowery Trip is coming back up and I hesitate to go; because God wants me to be part of His work there and I’ll be going with the full realization of what I’ve lost in the worship of the idol of my need to be loved by someone other than God. And I realize that He brought me here, by allowing me the desires of my heart, to this place where I am single and potentially will be for the rest of my life but where I am fully reliant upon His grace, mercy and love to do what He gives me to do.

As I sat here thinking of writing this, I opened my bible study program (E-Sword) and this was the verse that it opened to:

“I call for my servant, but he does not answer, even if I beg him with my own mouth.” (Job 19:16 HCSB)

Oh, there are many idols that I have erected in my life, some hidden in the shadows of this darkness among the trees and valleys of this place. The fire’s gone cold and the wood damp with the despair of this world….and yet…..and yet

He calls me to burn those idols down and come to Him empty, a vessel to be filled once more with His love, purpose, grace and mercy.

Overfilled, so that I may pour it out in service of others that I can empathize with.

‎"People who have never suffered in life have less empathy for others, little knowledge of their own shortcomings and limitations, no endurance in the face of hardship, and unrealistic expectations for life" Timothy Keller, Counterfeit Gods

"If I go east, He is not there, and if I go west, I cannot perceive Him. When He is at work to the north, I cannot see Him; when He turns south, I cannot find Him. Yet He knows the way I have taken; when He has tested me, I will emerge as pure gold. My feet have followed in His tracks; I have kept to His way and not turned aside. I have not departed from the commands of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my daily food. But He is unchangeable; who can oppose Him? He does what He desires. He will certainly accomplish what He has decreed for me, and He has many more things like these in mind. Therefore I am terrified in His presence; when I consider this, I am afraid of Him. God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me. Yet I am not destroyed by the darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face.” (Job 23:8-17 HCSB)

These verses are the essence of burning those idols from our lives......

How many times.....

“Then Peter came to him and said, "Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother who sins against me? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy-seven times!” Matthew 18:21-22 NET

“How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man?”......the great Bob Dylan croons in his song, “Blowing in the Wind,” “How many times must a man look up, before he sees the sky?”

It is the answer that we may never know the answer to, yet it came up in the conversation earlier this week with a dear brother in Christ over coffee.

“How many times,” he asked, “is enough before you consider ‘due diligence’ to be done?”

My mind immediately conjured up Matthew’s verse….”How many times??”

Common teaching in the day was that you have to forgive someone three times before you can ‘ethically’ call it quits and be considered exonerated in the community. Peter added a healthy number, a little over double, to his quip figuring he’d ace the exam before he even got the question. And he failed, miserably. Jesus basically told him that he wasn’t in the ballpark; far from it……there is never an ‘end’ point to forgiveness.

You forgive as many times as you have to forgive, without fail.

Otherwise, the limitation you impose on another is the same you’d have imposed on you, which we all know is not even close to the necessary ‘coinage’ to buy our way out of the debt of repetitive sin.

Even the definition of ‘forgiveness’ implies that it ‘resets to zero’ so that we would in effect be forgiving for the first time whether it was for the third or fiftieth time. Forgiveness is a decision to relate to another as if the wrong done to you had never happened.

And too often, we fail at even coming close to true forgiveness.

But isn’t that how God has forgiven us? Isn’t that how we are called to forgive others? And, if the possibility of being redeemed by the blood is IMPOSSIBLE without forgiveness, isn’t it safe to say that forgiveness can be switched out for the ‘other’ fruits of the spirit or characteristics that Christ tells us to expect in our faith, in our homes, in our communities and our congregations? Things like love, joy, peace…..”

How many times are we to exhibit that to our friends, neighbors, congregational members and community?

Seven times?

We should only love our neighbor seven times before we ‘give up’ on them and mark them off the evangelism list?

We should only love our spouses through seven rough times before we feel justified to withhold that love?

We should only bring joy to a widow or a single parent once or twice before we consider the resources of the church to be properly expended for them?

We should bring peace to the restless a handful of times before our mission is fulfilled?

We should only be in relationship with someone until it is no longer convenient to our lives?

After all, the Great Commission says, “Go and preach the Good News for a few days, making a few disciples of all you’ve been taught……”

Doing that which is good is not good in excess, right? And, after all, we only get a few opportunities to live sin-free before we are discarded into the ‘mistake’ pile.

Unfortunately, the current and the past church models (read post-Acts church here) are inherently human and therefore run with human assumptions and expectations. Many of these fall far beyond the scope and the breath of the Gospel intent and description.

Seven times anything in the modern church is a very hard thing to see replicated in anything that requires forgiveness and restoration, or entry into the messy lives of people repeated times.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, the models used are working…..churches are building grand buildings in which to house the worship, educational, outreach, children’s, youth and various vehicles and conveyances that once hauled everything to and from a temporary rental location.

They have acres of land cultivated and amazingly tranquil for those long walks pondering the visage of God.

The church down the road from me, a mega-sized church across from another denomination’s mega-church, is like a beacon in the sea of nighttime darkness…….spot lights and other lighting blaze against the night as the church lies locked up, waiting for the staff to arrive in the morning and be about the Lord’s business.

The Crystal Palace……Saddleback…..Willow Creek…..Mars Hill…….

Hundreds of thousands flock to these leaders and hear the Word preached, sometimes it’s even the Word of God rather than a remix of their own version of what the Bible says in the postmodern, emergent sense.

And yet, when the multitudes walk out of the doors, they are blind to the very mission field that starts inches from its thresholds.

But, my opinion on the state of the ‘Christian’ church and the leadership isn’t something new, it is the same as it was a year ago and a year before that.

What’s changed is my opinion of the human factor in the model of God’s church. When humanity comes to do ‘God’s work,’ it is instantly corrupted and hopelessly flawed.

The best intentions last for a while, the purpose and mission statements are actually believed and lived for a time. Then humanity takes over and we get the success stories of Willow Creek, Northridge, and others. Even then, some of these megas seem to stumble along in the truth somehow for a time….but the corruption of establishing and implementing a business model for a God-endeavor always gears the heart towards human ability and God leaves the building.

But, you forgive seven times seventy and fight alongside the remnant to bring the congregational body back on task for what God has purposed the church and its members for.

You forgive the slights, the disappointments and the hurts because you realize that humanity even in the corporate sense of the word is corrupted even in the best of circumstances and we all are limping towards the prize, the final destination of those who believe and have confessed that Jesus Christ is Lord.

Maybe that is where I’m hung up at and why in this desperate and frightening time, I want to tuck into myself and curl up in my room, far away from the world and its darkness, far from the sinfulness of those whom claim to be perfect and isolated from the one thing I know is truth even as my faith struggles with this fragile humanity…..that God is God and I am not, that Christ is King and died for me and that the knowledge imparted of the Absolute Truth of the Way cannot be denied.

Seven times Seventy.

Forgiveness, loving, hoping; any fruit of the Spirit I believe can be inserted in the place of forgiveness….and still the verse and intent is the same.

And yet, we question how many times we have to ‘endure’ something before we can escape it; love, relationships, heartache, pain, suffering and a montage of other ‘things’ that plague us in this life.

We never question however, how many times we can ask forgiveness for our sins.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for this whole ‘Christian community’ thing because I’m one of the broken, the stupidly confused that just don’t ‘get it,’ or that 'needy' one that just won't ever be happy with what comes his way.

Why?

I’ve hit the brick wall one too many times and finally brain damage has set in. Slamming my head against the wall, confused by the old nature that quails before the new and frightened by the decisive alienation that has happened too many times in "God's Church" where it is a judgment before mercy, condemnation before grace. Where the counter is going over into double or triple digits in the bean counters clickers.

Community is the greatest thing I fear in this ‘family’ of God-fearing people because it is that very ‘community’ that has caused me the most damage. Or maybe I’m just too damaged for such a community and invariably trip over their well-intending feet.

You leave yourself transparent, you are beggin' for a hurting.

George Mueller said that when God is ready to invite you into the things that He is doing in you, around you and ultimately through you, you experience a ‘crisis of faith’ where the beliefs that you have existed with for however long suddenly aren’t enough to reach that next step and so, in the absence of supporting evidence, you have to stretch yourself out on faith and faith alone.

A few of my friends say that God is doing something in my life, prepping me for the next major step in the purpose……

The majority say I’m neglecting my responsibilities; to my family, my community and my God.

And I want to throw in the towel…….

How many more times am I going to be at this place; between the reality of my beliefs and the impossibility of my faith, a finely sharpened point that I can balance upon ever so briefly before I fall; one way or the other…….

It is possible that Dylan was part prophet when he lamented that “the answer my friend is blowing in the wind….”

This is my life....

".......shame of face belongs to us today—to every individual of Judah, to the inhabitants of Jerusalem, to our kings, to our rulers, to our priests, to our prophets, and to our ancestors. We all have sinned before the Lord and disobeyed him. We have not listened to the voice of the Lord our God, to walk in the Lord’s commandments which he laid out before us. From the day that the Lord brought our ancestors out of the land of Egypt till this very day we have been disobedient to the Lord our God. We have acted carelessly, not paying attention to his voice. Clinging to us to this very day are the misfortunes and curse which the Lord prescribed to his servant Moses on the day that he brought our ancestors out of the land of Egypt in order to give us a land flowing with milk and honey. We have not listened to the voice of the Lord our God as given in all the words of the prophets whom he sent to us. Each one of us followed the intent of his evil heart by serving other gods and by doing what is evil in the sight of the Lord our God." Baruch 1:15-22

Just a little historical note before we continue, Baruch is from the Apocrypha...books of the Old Testament included in Roman Catholic and Orthodox Bibles, considered deuterocanonical (added to the eariler canon). It is not certain why the term which means 'hidden things' was applied to these texts but they are considered less authorative than the other biblical books due to their late origin (c. 300 BC to AD 100). They are not included in the Hebrew Bible and most Protestant Bibles.

Some thirteen books comprise the Apocrypha: I and II Esdras, Tobit, Judith, the Rest of Esther, the Wisdom of Solomon, Ecclesiasticus (which is also entitled the Wisdom of Jesus the Son of Sirach), Baruch, the Letter of Jeremiah, the Additions to Daniel, the Prayer of Manasses, and I and II Maccabees. At the Council of Carthage (397), it was decided to accept the Apocrypha as suitable for reading and in 1548 the Council of Trent recognized the Apocrypha, excepting I and II Esdras and the Prayer of Manasses, as having unqualified canonical status.

Many early Church Fathers, Augustine among them, put these books on a par with the rest of the Old Testament and quoted them equally, even Jerome (who wanted to exclude them from the Latin bible he was commissioned to translate) often quoted the Apocrypha without distinguishing it from the Hebrew canon.

"Scholarly biblical criticism has shown the presence of the same literary forms in both proto- and deuterocanonical writings." D. H. Wallace concludes in his article Apocrypha, Deuterocanonical Books, "The Apocrypha have something in common with what came before them and with what followed them; they therefore act as a link between the Old and the New Testaments and so help us to understand both."

I just thought the warning that Baruch gives in this apocrypha text was accurate for what the Christian church has become in the world today. It strikes me as prophetic in its utterance.

We have wandered far from our God and the blessings that He would have bestowed upon this nation and its people. We have sought out compromise and 'tolerance' to all things but those things of God and have developed an almost fearful adversion to addressing the sin in our lives and the lives of those around us rather than culturizing a 60s version of a lovefest in religious circles today.

But I'm not going on a discussion about the church and its problems; the church will alway have problems so long as there are humans in charge of it. When, and only when, we step back and allow God to be the focus and Jesus Christ the Head of the Church, then will the Church achieve the level of missional thinking and relational love that it needs to be an effective and power arm, leg, hand and feet of the Lord Jesus Christ, as it was meant to be.

Why bother? The Church will continue to do what it has done throughout the ages, progress further and further into a relationship with the world that has little revelance and truth in what God has said and did in this world.

I wish I could say that I've walked away from the disappointment that always haunts any dealing with humans, but I haven't. I've come to accept that there is no church truly following the dictates and lessons of Christ, for if it was......revival would be a state of condition not a mere word in the language. I've come to acknowledge that I will never be full accepted in whatever God has called me to do in that fellowship.

It no longer matters.

People will tell you they love you, no matter what, but then leave you in silence as you battle through the week. They will tell you that they want to be your friends, yet reject the help you want to give in the trials of their lives as they struggle. They will tell you that they will pray for you and forget as they grasp the hand of another with a connection that they need or want.

I can stare at the limitations that I have in my life and agree with those who say I shouldn't pursue a pastorship or utter a word on the stage of a church...for surely they, knowing my imperfections, would stand up and walk out of the 'hallowed' halls of the church of their making and declare me a hypocrite. I can look at my situation, missing the opportunities to be obedient in what God has provided me to do in His purpose, and declare myself unfit to do anything for God. Or I can take a page from Screwloose's lectures and apply it.

"It is in present time that a human's life is lived, and his ethics expressed in action. It is in present time that the human will must operate, choosing 'now' acts which set the course of his future life." (Will: Practical Paralysis; Screwloose lectures)

As I fail in some aspects of my life, I can be trapped in the sorrow of the moment and held nailed to the cross of other's makings by the decisional impact of their words. I can proclaim their version of me to be the most accurate and dispose of God's more pure, more honest assessment of me that I have become in the new life given to me under the blood of Christ.

I can listen to Christ's words and decide to follow them, even as I struggle to realize the full impact of being the man He wants me to be, the impact for the kingdom that He has equipped me to be and the warrior that He has provisioned me to be.

"If you continue in My Word, then are you My disciples indeed; and you shall know the Truth and the Truth make you free." John 9:31-32 KJV

My faith will never be arrogantly secure in what it thinks it knows and my beliefs will never be the single most motivation for what I do. It is rather simple, when I look at it through the eyes of Christ......in obedience I will walk even as in my humanity I fall.

I will continue to strive for that goal that is set before me, in the heavenly planbooks of the Almighty God. I will face trials and disappointments, rejection and selective love. I will hurt, I will bleed and I will sorrow.

And in that, I will know joy and peace, comfort and happiness, and love so complete that to realize it will mean to never let it go. It is my choice, it is my desire and it is my intention. Surrender of my will to the One who saved me and follow into the darkness where He would lead for the sake of those whom I was meant to testify with the brutality of my life.

As Switchfoot sings......

"This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"

That is who I want to be, a disciple yoked in the identifying yoke of my Messiah.
Following the Truth in my imperfection, perfected in the trials of this life.

Integrity of faith

"We say, then, that faith must not be inert and alone. Rather, it should be accompanied with investigation. For I do not say that we are not to inquire at all." Clement of Alexandria (C.195, E), 2.446.

I sit here alone, in this home that friends have helped make for me and two of my three children. Time to reflect and ponder the incalculables of this life, this place and the methods and means that have brought me here.

I sit staring at a photograph that was taken four years before my firstborn son, Malcolm, was born. You can't tell it by the photo, but my wisdom teeth had been removed in the middle of the night by an upset Dental officer who was on-call when the emergency happened. One of the wisdom teeth had gotten impacted or something like that....it was killing me.

Anyway, you can't really see the puffed up cheeks unless you really look.

It is a simple photo taken by all the military recruits, not just in the Navy, but in all the other services as well. It is to symbolize the transition from civilian to military, a rite of passage that has happened throughout this nation's history even before it could be documented in such a fashion. I look at that young man, twenty-three years old, and wonder where the passion in his eyes disappeared to, where the hint of happiness drifted away to and where the freshness in his (closed mouth, but still noticeable) smile went to.

You can see it in the eyes of that young sailor, the belief in the system that created the military might that helped protect a nation's birth and its journey through the painful growth years. You can see the patriotism that drove the young man to 'jump ship' on his civilian life and be something meaningful and powerful as a military man.

You can see a little bit of the father in that young man, there's a small photo of him in the corner of the frame (covering a tear in the photographic paper) that was taken at the USO in Hawaii when the father served. You can see the similarities in their posture, look and appearance, even though the periods in which they served are vastly different.

The father served in Korea and Vietnam, the son during Desert Storm.

I stared at that photo for a few hours today at this desk.......

A verse drifts across my thoughts as I ponder that fresh, crazily young man staring at me with a smirk about the absurdity of the photo....(trying not to smile so you won't see the red-bloody mouth). Robert McGee opens his book, The Search for Significance, with it.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24 NIV

We know this verse, or at least the more largess picture of the chapter of 139....it is about the 'ever-present God,' who knows our every thought and the meaning in our words all before we even think to utter them....for we cannot hide from Him, even if we choose to and it is those who harbor 'wicked ways' that fills the psalmist with loathing even as he recognizes the 'possibility' of them existing within himself. He surrenders that hidden part of him to God, to thoroughly investigate and exercise those 'wicked ways' so that he may know 'permanent peace.'

How many of us truly surrender those hidden places to the light of God? How many of us go to our friends, our pastors and our congregations....those places where God's accountability is supposed to exist and pour our brokenness out, our fears and failures? We don't, because we know humanity will disappoint us and the church will destroy us if we don't appear to be making progress in the journey of believing in God, about God and life with God.

Much like that young man believed in the rightness of entry into the US Navy.....
Life has not happened the way that young man once believed it would......he had left that legalistic God presented to him in his youth behind...this was the concrete step into a future he believed he was entitled to, capable of and worthy of.

That was before.........

Much like that young man, reality has set in on my faith. Reality.....those impossibly high mountains that stand in the path that I have journeyed on these almost forty-three years. Mountains of painful childhood, ignorant adulthood and wounded fatherhood. Mountains of broken relationships, isolated love and rejected emotions. Mountains of inept financial management and stupid choices. Mountains that Christ said I could move with a mustard seed of faith.

If they haven't moved, then it would be 'christian' to assume that my faith is non-existent. Never existed, cut off at conception and born deathly still in the hospital of this world......burned in the incendiaries of the corruption it spawns.

After all, the great faithful....those who 'get it' walk confidently in their lives; yes, some even on days other than Sunday and when they boldly proclaim the purposes to which God has called them....they are surrounded by those who would 'help God' along with the plans......they don't want those 'chosen' to sit in the filthy and muck of this world for long.

After all, they can live vicariously through the abilities of the 'chosen ones.' God wouldn't leave someone in the muck and mire and require those 'benefactors' to sit there with them and learn from their sorrows or pains. Nope, if there was faith operating in that darkness, well....the God of Israel and Christians would lift the 'chosen' up and rinse him clean with the blood.

There wouldn't be any need to discuss the 'darkness' or the 'hidden wicked places' that haunt the faithful's life....to condone such utterances would be foolish and unwise. To be significant in the Body of Christ, one has to be seemingly perfect and totally silent about their broken hearts and disillusioned dreams. They cannot experience joy amid sorrow and peace amid chaos. They should know only the joy and blessings of being one of Jesus' saved.

Yet......faith remains within me for who Christ is and was, and the authority, power, wrath and love of the God who is His Father and by adoption, my own.

It is that faith that beckons me in this place where God has become silent and the fire burns smaller as the fuel is consumed and darkness encroaches.

It is that faith that has me prostrate on my stomach in the night, pouring my heart out to this God that I know hears, even as I recognize that I don't listen too well.

It is that faith that gets me up each day even as my humanity quails at the thought of another day spent in the agonies of this life.....dealing with 'my stuff',' as one mentor put it.

Sitting in the mire of my muck......

It is the integrity of my faith.

As Christ said, "They shall know you by how you love one another" A blessing from a sister in Christ....

I've heard this song in relation to Olympic athletes - perhaps the 1996 Olympics, of which I was a particular fan). I think of you as that athlete. You are running one of the most challenging marathons I have heard of. You are trying to do your best, in obedience to God's leading, to keep your head above water, only to find yourself sinking with every effort you make. Do not be discouraged, beloved brother. God is not done with you yet!

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

Here is what Paul wrote, about YOU:
I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:3-6)

Take heart, dear brother! God will lift up your head. Your eyes are focussed on the prize - achieving the impossible dream, reaching the unreachable star - with a heart overflowing with love for the lost and wounded in this world, so that they will be blessed in heaven eternally. Do not be discouraged by circumstances. They seem so definitive, though, don't they? But look at Sarah. She conceived in old age. And Elizabeth had been barren. And Mary yet a virgin! God seems to be blind to earthly circumstances, not of discompassion, but to the obstacles.

upon the ruins of Jerusalem's walls...discouragement is not of God's people

Before I begin my blog today, I just wanted to post a call to prayer from George from Worthy News Ministries that he put on the bottom of his devotional today: In times such as these, we need to focus more and more on Yeshua haMashiach (Jesus the Messiah) and call upon our Father’s mercy and grace in the days ahead………

Friends, this is a warning to all of us -- it is time to PRAY!!!

We have entered into the time period on the Hebraic calendar between Rosh HaShana (Head of the Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), which is known as the Days of Awe. It dawned on me this morning that perhaps this year will give new meaning to the term. I'm not sure if you realize it but this week's events have the potential of changing the course of history as we know it. As believers, we need to be united in prayer more than ever before.

Thursday: Obama will become the first American president to chair its 15-member Security Council. He is expected to push a UN nonproliferation resolution which is designed to bring all nations into a binding agreement. In the resolution it calls for the right of all states to pursue peaceful nuclear energy -- including Iran. It also calls for all states to sign Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) agreement. This is key because Israel is one of four nations that still has not signed the agreement and understandably so, since the UN is so biased against the Jewish state. (Personal note: it is interesting that Obama would push this stance with the speeches given by Iran’s and Libya’s leaders that accuse the world’s nations of handling them as second-rate nations. Iran still continues to claim a non-military use for the military grade uranium that it is making….)

Friday: A G-20 economic summit representing 85% of the world's economy will be led by President Obama in Pittsburgh. Meanwhile, in Washington D.C. Muslims will be gathering for their first ever "prayer meeting" where there are expected to be up to 50,000 to be in attendance.
Please keep these points in prayer this week and don't forget to keep us in your prayers here in Israel as well.
Your family in the Lord with much agape love,

George, Rivka, Elianna & Obadiah
Currently in the Negev Desert, Israel

Last night I had a prompting of the Spirit to go to church….a surprising development given my recent church history and the struggle I am having with risking myself in another fellowship, though I have met and worshipped with a range of styles since moving back to Canton from Holly. From the comfortable to the new……each has its own disappointments and encouragements, style and worship but each has a biblically sound teaching platform.

A friend on Facebook, the pastor of Thrive Church in Texas, mentioned that in conversations with other families in similar stages of searching for a home church that one phrase kept cropping up….and it perfectly describes my heartfelt desire for the next home God leads us to in this season of the journey: Life-giving.

Neither Mosaic A2 (the new church plant in Ann Arbor) or Life Church in Canton had Wednesday night programs when I checked their websites; Life was going to the North Pointe church, my friend Chris Birtles’ church that I will attend on Saturday (I have experience with NP, and the River of Faith was under the campus leadership of one of NP’s brothers), on some ‘ultra-church’ field trip for some of the youth, but there was nothing else.

Only Berean Bible Church, my friend Tim’s church, had Wednesday night programs: Awana for the two fifth graders and a middle school program called Thrive for the other two…..and a bible study for the men.

With the kids settled into their respective programs, I was directed to the men’s bible study group….They were doing a study on a book written by Dr. David Jeremiah on the book of Nehemiah. The topic for last week was fear……this week, it was discouragement.

God, indeed, in His wisdom and provision knew exactly what I needed to be reminded of and how to send me in the direction of where it would be spoken.

Nehemiah is told by Hanani, one of his brothers, who came from Judah that “those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire.”
Nehemiah was distressed about the condition of his people and his capital city…..and fasted praying to God about this burdening sorrow:

“"O LORD, God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father's house, have committed against you. We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses. Remember the instruction you gave your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the nations, but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name.' "They are your servants and your people, whom you redeemed by your great strength and your mighty hand. O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man." I was cupbearer to the king.” Nehemiah 1:5-11 (NIV)

Nehemiah was an employee of King Artaxerxes, and was held in good regard apparently as we can tell by the King’s reaction when Nehemiah sees him after this tragic news; a) that he would notice his servant’s unhappiness and sorrow, b) He would ask why instead of exercising the option to kill him because he was unhappy near the King and c) He would not only give permission but provision and equip Nehemiah to rebuild Jerusalem’s walls. As Nehemiah departed, he recognized God’s hand in even a pagan’s heart to affect the work that He had burdened His servant for.

God has shown me time and time again that He will provision in amazing and logic-defying ways His servants for the work He’s enticed them to join with Him in.

Nehemiah organizes and sets forth to undertake the rebuilding of the capital city’s walls……He gives an accounting of who did what in Chapter 3. Such work wasn’t embraced by all of the pagan people in the area….most ridiculed the Jewish people…..Sanballat the Horonite, in front of his associates and the army of Samaria, was incensed and angry saying…”What are those feeble Jews doing? Will they restore their wall? Will they offer sacrifices? Will they finish in a day? Can they bring the stones back to life from those heaps of rubble—burned as they are?" Tobiah the Ammonite joked even more, “What they are building—if even a fox climbed up on it, he would break down their wall of stones!"

And even as the work progressed, nearing completion, it raised even more dissention among the pagan enemies of Israel…..Sanballat, Tobiah, the Arabs, the Ammonites and the men of Ashdod began plotting against Jerusalem and its people.

God has brought it about as I progress under the teaching and instruction of the Holy Spirit opposition and ridicule from those opposed or not in sync with God’s word or purpose and have come against me as I push against the ‘corporate mentality’ of the postmodern church………..

Dr. Jeremiah points out four temptations that are usually the precursor to the sin of discouragement……

1) Fatigue, mental and/or physical.

2) Frustration.

Nehemiah 4:10-11 The people of Judah…faced with opposition from the pagan nations surrounding them as they rebuilt the walls of Jerusalem cry out, “The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall. Also our enemies said, ‘Before they know it or see us, we will be right there among them and will kill them and put an end to the work.”

These first two can usually go hand-in-hand, one on top of the other….as you get frustrated, you get tired or as you get tired, you get frustrated. The builders were facing the ridicule of enemy nations and turned to the pile of rubble before them, lamenting that no apparent progress had been made….and time was running out in their opinion before an enemy would attack them.

3) Failure (fear or attitude of failure)

Also in v10 above, the Israelites show the fear of failure, that they aren’t going to be able to build fast enough to thwart the enemy………

4) Fear

Nehemiah 4:11-12. “Also our enemies said, "Before they know it or see us, we will be right there among them and will kill them and put an end to the work." Then the Jews who lived near them came and told us ten times over, "Wherever you turn, they will attack us."”

They didn’t know when the enemy would attack and knew that when it came, they would be overwhelmed with no protective walls…..

Discouragement is the antithesis of what God built us to be and what the rebirth of salvation delivers into our hearts as we continue the journey towards the gates of the New Jerusalem……and the battle grows more intense, the enemy seems to have superior forces arrayed against the children of God.

We elect politicians who mouth godly intentions while their actions draw us further and further away from God’s plan…..we speak the truth, that Christ is the only way to salvation and are twisted into a corner with the new definition of tolerance…..more and more faithful are falling to false doctrines, couched with enough gospel verses to sway the shallow believer and beset the more mature, we label them good under the banner of ‘love’ and condemn those who are led astray……more and more third world countries are under the battle of fatigue, hungry and persecution with more and more believers imprisoned, tortured and killed for the refusal to turn from the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob…….future generations will never breath air because of the increased support of the secular world of abortion and the legislative laws bring us to a ‘master race’ mentality of who is allowed to breath air and who must die, be controlled and prevented from giving birth and more discriminatory, punishing legislation being passed to restrict Christianity……the economy is floundering and the governmental answer is to indebt the future generations…..

We are in discouraging times and the division between the pilgrims of this world and its permanent inhabitants grows daily in ways that years ago we would have scoffed at the possibilities……as we look at the rubble of what was once our protection in the secular world…once so bold and strong in the lives of the people…now lying tumbled and burn upon the ground, we are turning more and more away from the God of our faith and depending upon the workings of man and the ‘religious’ leadership that proclaims a stunted gospel….love everyone and we’ll all get to heaven in our own ways, don’t be offensive and above all, don’t speak absolute truth….define what truth is for you and allow that to be your guide.

Is it any wonder why more and more Christians are falling into apostasy? We believe in strength in numbers and gather ourselves into mega-churches we run like businesses…afraid of not making our ‘budgets’ and looking for spectacular and inviting ways to draw more ‘tithe’ givers of financial strength into our pews. We look less and less to healing those who are wounded, discipling those who are looking, and empowering those who have become apostles into commissioning others into the faith.

And we say, “Look, it’s obviously working…..the money is fine and the service is drawing more and more into our doors! We had to add “ADDITIONAL” services!!!!!”

The remnant is becoming disillusioned by the remaining rubble that lies around the modern church and is giving in to discouragement as the enemies of God’s plan threaten persecution and destruction…….there is just too much to do, there’s just too few to do it, and the enemy is making progress despite our best efforts!!

We all need to step into the story of Nehemiah and look to his example of how ‘sold-out-to-God’ people fight against discouragement. As Dr. Jeremiah points out, there are five God-given weapons to combat the enemy’s plan against the plan God has burdened His people with:

1) Cry out to God.
2) Continue to do the work God has called us to do.
3) Concentrate on the ‘big picture.’
4) Claim the encouragement provided in the promises God has given.
5) Carry the burdens of others as they carry your burdens….don’t carry your own.

”Hear us, O our God, for we are despised. Turn their insults back on their own heads. Give them over as plunder in a land of captivity. Do not cover up their guilt or blot out their sins from your sight, for they have thrown insults in the face of the builders.” Nehemiah 4:4-5 (NIV). Nehemiah doesn’t complain about the insults against him or the people but against God’s plan….giving it to God to handle in His way.

Even as the enemies grumbled and threatened, Nehemiah and his countrymen continued to follow God’s plan full-heartedly, building 25,000 yards (25 football fields) worth of wall half of its original height. Nehemiah 4:6.

He expected and prepared his people for the attacks against the people, rallying them with the encouragements that God had promised His children and walked as he talked, giving all he had in dedication to the call God had placed upon him….

“"Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." When our enemies heard that we were aware of their plot and that God had frustrated it, we all returned to the wall, each to his own work. From that day on, half of my men did the work, while the other half were equipped with spears, shields, bows and armor. The officers posted themselves behind all the people of Judah who were building the wall. Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, and each of the builders wore his sword at his side as he worked. But the man who sounded the trumpet stayed with me. Then I said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "The work is extensive and spread out, and we are widely separated from each other along the wall. Wherever you hear the sound of the trumpet, join us there. Our God will fight for us!" So we continued the work with half the men holding spears, from the first light of dawn till the stars came out. At that time I also said to the people, "Have every man and his helper stay inside Jerusalem at night, so they can serve us as guards by night and workmen by day." Neither I nor my brothers nor my men nor the guards with me took off our clothes; each had his weapon, even when he went for water.” Nehemiah 4:14b-23 (NIV)

When he would be discouraged, when he would be burdened by the task, Nehemiah did not isolate himself and take his portion..wishing for more. He bore the burdens of his people, making their burdened problems and situations his own. He led, again, as he spoke…giving his full focus and effort to the purpose God had set him to. He reinforces the vision with his dedication…inspiring the people through carrying their burdens and affecting change as he was given the authority to do. But he went further, sacrificing his own for the sake of his people:

“Now the men and their wives raised a great outcry against their Jewish brothers. Some were saying, "We and our sons and daughters are numerous; in order for us to eat and stay alive, we must get grain." Others were saying, "We are mortgaging our fields, our vineyards and our homes to get grain during the famine." Still others were saying, "We have had to borrow money to pay the king's tax on our fields and vineyards. Although we are of the same flesh and blood as our countrymen and though our sons are as good as theirs, yet we have to subject our sons and daughters to slavery. Some of our daughters have already been enslaved, but we are powerless, because our fields and our vineyards belong to others." When I heard their outcry and these charges, I was very angry. I pondered them in my mind and then accused the nobles and officials. I told them, "You are exacting usury from your own countrymen!" So I called together a large meeting to deal with them and said: "As far as possible, we have bought back our Jewish brothers who were sold to the Gentiles. Now you are selling your brothers, only for them to be sold back to us!" They kept quiet, because they could find nothing to say. So I continued, "What you are doing is not right. Shouldn't you walk in the fear of our God to avoid the reproach of our Gentile enemies? I and my brothers and my men are also lending the people money and grain. But let the exacting of usury stop! Give back to them immediately their fields, vineyards, olive groves and houses, and also the usury you are charging them—the hundredth part of the money, grain, new wine and oil." "We will give it back," they said. "And we will not demand anything more from them. We will do as you say." Then I summoned the priests and made the nobles and officials take an oath to do what they had promised. I also shook out the folds of my robe and said, "In this way may God shake out of his house and possessions every man who does not keep this promise. So may such a man be shaken out and emptied!" At this the whole assembly said, "Amen," and praised the LORD. And the people did as they had promised. Moreover, from the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when I was appointed to be their governor in the land of Judah, until his thirty-second year—twelve years—neither I nor my brothers ate the food allotted to the governor. But the earlier governors—those preceding me—placed a heavy burden on the people and took forty shekels of silver from them in addition to food and wine. Their assistants also lorded it over the people. But out of reverence for God I did not act like that. Instead, I devoted myself to the work on this wall. All my men were assembled there for the work; we did not acquire any land. Furthermore, a hundred and fifty Jews and officials ate at my table, as well as those who came to us from the surrounding nations. Each day one ox, six choice sheep and some poultry were prepared for me, and every ten days an abundant supply of wine of all kinds. In spite of all this, I never demanded the food allotted to the governor, because the demands were heavy on these people.” Nehemiah 5:1-18 (NIV)

As Nehemiah progressed in the purpose to which God had set his heart to, he was more and more wary of the attack of the enemy…..Shemaiah tried to make Nehemiah give up because of intimidation….telling Nehemiah “Let us meet in the house of God, inside the temple, and let us close the temple doors, because men are coming to kill you----by night they are coming to kill you.” (Nehemiah 6:5 NIV). Shemaiah had been hired by Tobiah and Sanballat to create a bad name for Nehemiah and discredit his words of encouragement…..

How often do we, in the body, do the same thing…..we follow those leaders who whisper that we are being intolerant, unloving, and offensive by speaking the truth….the rhetoric is toned down, hell isn’t mention and the wages of sin…well, let’s just talk about the loving side of God rather than His wrath. We must water down the truth so that we can get the people in the doors…..we must not vote our faith but vote our hopes…..we cannot oppose the government in the democratic way but must accept what they deem is best for us……we run to our 'temple' and close the doors, creating the very reputation we've spoken against in times past and creating the image that our encouragement is not to be heeded......

We need to be like Nehemiah....

Nehemiah saw through the deception and uttered words we should be crying out against the opposition to the Truth, even those in the body who have become fearful and discouraged in the face of the massive rubble of this world:

“"Should a man like me run away? Or should one like me go into the temple to save his life? I will not go!"” Nehemiah 5:11a (NIV).

And in fifty-two days, the walls of Jerusalem were rebuilt…..

What could God do with a body that is not discouraged despite the pile of rubble that has been created from the once-strong walls of the church, dedicated to rebuilding those walls under the threats, insults and intimidations of the enemy and glorifying God by that work He has purposed us all to do.

We can only do it now as the Israelites did in Nehemiah’s time.......Gather together, fasting and wearing sackcloth….confessing our sins and the wickedness of our forefathers in the body…reading from the Word of God and worshipping His mercy, grace and authority in our lives and the work of the church and recalling the promises and provisions of our God to His people, if we will only follow Him:

“"You are the LORD God, who chose Abram and brought him out of Ur of the Chaldeans and named him Abraham. You found his heart faithful to you, and you made a covenant with him to give to his descendants the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Jebusites and Girgashites. You have kept your promise because you are righteous. You saw the suffering of our forefathers in Egypt; you heard their cry at the Red Sea. You sent miraculous signs and wonders against Pharaoh, against all his officials and all the people of his land, for you knew how arrogantly the Egyptians treated them. You made a name for yourself, which remains to this day. You divided the sea before them, so that they passed through it on dry ground, but you hurled their pursuers into the depths, like a stone into mighty waters. By day you led them with a pillar of cloud, and by night with a pillar of fire to give them light on the way they were to take. You came down on Mount Sinai; you spoke to them from heaven. You gave them regulations and laws that are just and right, and decrees and commands that are good. You made known to them your holy Sabbath and gave them commands, decrees and laws through your servant Moses. 15 In their hunger you gave them bread from heaven and in their thirst you brought them water from the rock; you told them to go in and take possession of the land you had sworn with uplifted hand to give them. But they, our forefathers, became arrogant and stiff-necked, and did not obey your commands. They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them, even when they cast for themselves an image of a calf and said, 'This is your god, who brought you up out of Egypt,' or when they committed awful blasphemies. Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the desert. By day the pillar of cloud did not cease to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night to shine on the way they were to take. You gave your good Spirit to instruct them. You did not withhold your manna from their mouths, and you gave them water for their thirst. For forty years you sustained them in the desert; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen. You gave them kingdoms and nations, allotting to them even the remotest frontiers. They took over the country of Sihon king of Heshbon and the country of Og king of Bashan. You made their sons as numerous as the stars in the sky, and you brought them into the land that you told their fathers to enter and possess. Their sons went in and took possession of the land. You subdued before them the Canaanites, who lived in the land; you handed the Canaanites over to them, along with their kings and the peoples of the land, to deal with them as they pleased. They captured fortified cities and fertile land; they took possession of houses filled with all kinds of good things, wells already dug, vineyards, olive groves and fruit trees in abundance. They ate to the full and were well-nourished; they reveled in your great goodness. But they were disobedient and rebelled against you; they put your law behind their backs. They killed your prophets, who had admonished them in order to turn them back to you; they committed awful blasphemies. So you handed them over to their enemies, who oppressed them. But when they were oppressed they cried out to you. From heaven you heard them, and in your great compassion you gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies. But as soon as they were at rest, they again did what was evil in your sight. Then you abandoned them to the hand of their enemies so that they ruled over them. And when they cried out to you again, you heard from heaven, and in your compassion you delivered them time after time. You warned them to return to your law, but they became arrogant and disobeyed your commands. They sinned against your ordinances, by which a man will live if he obeys them. Stubbornly they turned their backs on you, became stiff-necked and refused to listen. For many years you were patient with them. By your Spirit you admonished them through your prophets. Yet they paid no attention, so you handed them over to the neighboring peoples. But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God. Now therefore, O our God, the great, mighty and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love, do not let all this hardship seem trifling in your eyes—the hardship that has come upon us, upon our kings and leaders, upon our priests and prophets, upon our fathers and all your people, from the days of the kings of Assyria until today. In all that has happened to us, you have been just; you have acted faithfully, while we did wrong.” Nehemiah 7 (NIV)

Burdened by the race…..

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV)

"Temptation is a suggested short cut to the realization of the highest at which I am --- not towards what I understand as evil, but towards what I understand as good." Oswald Chambers writes in My Utmost For His Highest. "Temptation is something that completely baffles me for a while; I do not know whether the thing is right or wrong. Temptation yielded to is lust deified, and is a proof that it was timidity that prevented the sin before. Temptation is not something we may escape, it is essential to the full-orbed life of a man…….God does not save us from temptations; He succours us in the midst of them."

One might wonder why the race Paul speaks of in Hebrews and the explanation of Temptation by Chambers would be put together in today's blog that I write. I would wonder to, if I was still amazed how God draws my attention to various things to get a point across that I've yet to grasp.

George, of Worthy News Ministry in Israel, sent the devo for the Hebrews verse today. "I bet you're tired today. You are done…..overworked, overstressed, overwhelmed." He concludes his devo. "But be encouraged! Just when you think you can't run any further, you can! C'mon! Press through and press on for the great prize! God is with us, strengthening our feeble knees and moving us in the right direction!!"

I have become so tired of the stresses that living in this world surely bears upon each one of us, and the additional stresses that come from being a single parent, and the additional stresses of being a parent of a special needs child. It is amazing to me how dimly even the church family views a single parent, especially of the male persuasion, and the unique position they find themselves in, either by design, by life or the surrendering of another to the temptations of sin. There isn't a ministry in the whole body of the church that has addresses the single parent father. And, if they do not have 'everything organized', they are overlooked and isolated from the body. Often they are the silent ones who glide through the church experience in silence…..never letting anyone know of their situation because of the stigma attached to single fatherhood. Add to that a special needs child and the simplified expectation of fellowship becomes a complicated dance….

The burden got heavier last night as I sat outside…my son came up to me and asked, "Dad, can I talk to you?"

My son has transferred into the Plymouth-Canton School district and is going to school with his cousin at Central. Not even a week later, last night, my son sat down and cried his hurting heart out because of the bullies who have classified him as different and begun to verbally abuse him. Even the 'friend' he had made rejected him and doesn't talk to him anymore. My son, the most compassionate and caring person in the world, is isolated because of his disability. He wants to quit, he doesn't want to go to school anymore and doesn't want to face the bullies who have hurt him so much. And I couldn't help him…..couldn't protect him from this, even though I know the pain he feels and the hurt confusion as to why there are those who reject that which could be the best thing they've experienced – a compassionate friend.

All I could tell him is something that, at the time, seems so inadequate for his pain. "You are MY son. I love you. It doesn't matter what others say or do, you are my BELOVED son, with whom I am very proud." I told him I won't let him give up on himself by tucking his tail between his legs and whimpering out of the room. I told him, "You are MY son and are strong. You will walk out of that room (we are in the process of transferring him to a better suited environment for his learning, ironically) with your head held high and smile at your tormentors when you leave."

We prayed, that God would show my son the strength and love he has been given, that God would move in the bully's life and show him compassion and that the transfer we will be investigating today will happen quickly. And comfort returned, for the time, to my son's face and his heart. I had taken it upon my own.

Later, as I finished the email to his teachers, vice-principal and principal, I sat there weary. It will only get worse, I know, as the compulsion of the world to categorize and despise my son because of his cognitive impairment, to keep that compassionate and loving heart open…..wounded at it is prone to be….and his eyes on the prize to which he surrendered himself willingly to so many easters ago. With everything else that has happened; having to move to Canton, stay with family, and the burdens of financial problems that seem to never end….this.

I wish that I could find the parents of this bully, sit them down and slap some sense into them. As much as I can't take credit for my son's loving nature, he has learn some of the compassion and caring from me, just like the bully has learned to treat others that are different from him as a verbal punching bag from his. They are always watching, always drawing their clues on behavior accepted and unaccepted. Possibly, the parents would be surprised to hear their little boy is being cruel and would find reason to doubt that it is learned behavior…..as they shun a wheel chaired quad, shunt slanted eyes away from the Down's child or ridicule the handicapped grandmother. It doesn't make it any easier that physically, there is no sign of my son's situation….only when he speaks and other small behavioral things; the way he runs, his memory….

Added to that is the fact he is a Christian; not some run-of-the-mill, momentary attempt, but a living breathing and loving member of the body of Christ. Persecution is coming, even within the body, because of what he has been taught, what he believes.

Sometimes this race seems to stretch so long, so far and the rockiness of the path twists ankles, stubs toes and wounds the feet. Surely, under all this, it is okay to stop running, stop striving for that elusive prize (at those times so it seems) that lies forever over that last hilltop, that last mountain rise…surely the temptation to walk is understandable and acceptable. Surely it was never meant to be so hard.

As I was driving to work this morning, a memory bubbled up from my mind…..Father Ronald Corl. I met the Father when we lived in Detroit, on Hazelton that butts up to the entrance at the St. Paul Monastery where he had just become the Rector. The fence that surrounds the property now was put there in large part to us kids of the neighborhood who would play on the grounds, much to Brother Pat (the head groundskeeper)'s dismay and it was one day while we were playing that we crossed the path of Father Ron, who was just moving in to assume his new duties.

He taught me a love for reading, the walls of his room where covered with books and books…..He taught me acceptance and even was teaching me to be a catholic. I helped him with baptisms, weddings, and other Roman Catholic traditions. But, it was one day as we were running in Hines Park (another thing he taught me, and my older brother Larry) and it came to the point where Larry and I usually stopped, walking to cool down, and where Father Ron kept on running. That day, I didn't stop and kept on running….every muscle in my body wanted to stop, every fiber of my being cried out with the unaccustomed pain….but I refused to stop, I was mad that day…either at my brother or at Father Ron….I don't remember now….and I fed that anger into the pain…pushing my body harder….

It was years later that I would realize what Father Ron saw that day as he ran beside me……a determination to not quit…..that he said he prayed my faith would one day realize. I was told this as I was going into my senior year at Leesburg High. Father Ron and I lost touch when we moved from Hazelton and stayed in contact infrequently until I moved to Florida…..he had been transferred to Orlando some year prior. We met and that was when he told me that; it had stayed with him so many years that impression. He would die from cancer well before that prayer could be realized.

But it wasn't the impression that hit me today, it was that moment in time; as my body was screaming stop and my mind refused to listen….that plateau….where my body surrendered itself to the control of the mind and I pushed past that limit….one I thought I couldn't pass.

And God spoke as that memory arose….."Jim, my dear child….you are MY son…why do you want to give up, tuck your tail between your legs and whimper out of the church? You are so much more than the perception they have of you, you are MY son and beloved….if you go, you will go as My child, your head held high and a compassionate smile on your face for those who persecute you….those who reject you….those who refuse to believe that I have empowered you to speak My word."

The heart God has given me is prone to be hurt, leaving it out on my sleeve as I do fully exposed to the elements of the human condition of self-(whatever). There will be those who are intimidated by my heart…who are scared, jealous or spiteful because I chose to live in the assurance of the finish line. The temptation is and always will be to reach that limit, and to stop running, stop trying and stop hurting. If I surrender to it…if I don't refuse to allow its control, I will, as Chambers says "deify the lust" the temptation holds for the sake of self-protection, only to find that I have become exposed to the sin of selfishness. The road that leads down is self-fulfilling and deadly, for it will choke off the life that I seek to save.

As George relates in his devo, the Athenians in 490 B.C. defeated the Persians under King Darius 1 on the plains near Marathon. The runner, carrying the victorious news to the Greek people ran 26 miles full out, holding nothing back, and when he had delivered the good news, he died. There was times, as any marathon runner since can attest to, when the strength of your training, the preparation of your body and the level of your skill will be reached…..they will plateau. It is those who push through, who look at that plateau and press on, enduring through that limit to reach for the victory prize, that achieve new levels of strength, preparation and skill. We don't compete as the physical athletes do for a prize of trophies or medals, endorsement deals and wealth. We reach for the uncorruptible crown.

It is in that moment of plateauing, where we can't simply go on….the darkness is too deep, the pain to hard to endure and then end not in sight…..that God shows us the joy we have awaiting for us, the strength He's given us to endure and the peace to go the distance, any distance, full out with nothing reserved.

As George is fond of ending his devos with, "There is much work to be done!"

As my son struggles in this situation at school, with those who would bully and persecute him for his special needs, I can run along side him…..pushing him to overcome that plateau where he would give up and endure to reach the end of the race we both run. I can only do it, though, if I run with him….giving him my experience and love to push past it, to endure it and to be totally surrendered to the end.

As my Father in Heaven has taught me so well this past year……..whispering encouragement and love, demanding my best as He shows me I can reach beyond my imposed limits to reach new levels of faith, belief, love, understanding and compassion. He doesn't carry me, He runs alongside me……"I've run this race before, Jim, and I finished…..You are of My blood, you are of My spirit and you are My creation…..keep on…keep on"

As with my son, those who watch this drama with the bully take place will witness his strength, his compassion and his resolve to stand….maybe they will stand in their time too, maybe they will think twice about being a bully. Either way, he will stand.

As with me, my life stands as a testimony to God's grace, mercy and strength….His provision, His love and His desire for me. Maybe they will realize His love and be saved, maybe they will listen to the next Christian who comes to speak with them…..but they will hear.

As for me and my house, we will run the race fully until it is done with the news of the victory that Christ secured for us over our rightful punishment of sin.

Until we achieve the crown.

“God is not a man, that He should lie. He is not a human, that He should change His mind. Has He ever spoken and failed to act? Has He ever promised and not carried it through?” Numbers 23:19 (NLT)

My neighbor at work in the shop, “Junior” (as I call him), was telling me today about the repair to the roof of his new home that he has recently purchased. He said that as the roofers were walking on his roof, they would pause, shake their heads and proceed to rip out the boards underneath. As he watched the boards sail off the roof, he said, many were so badly rotten that they literally crumpled in the air, others were so warped they wobbled as they descended….the repair is going to require more than was originally estimated when the shingles covered the boards. My thought, sadly, wasn’t empathy for this young man and the adventures of home ownership but one of self-pity….”If only I had that problem.”

Yesterday was my birthday, the physical one. Forty-two years ago this day, a baby boy was born.

And, as is usually my practice on this day, I look back at my life….some twelve years past where I thought it would end…..and wonder about the journey I’ve travelled so far and the journey I have yet to go before I arrive before that great white throne of judgment and receive my ‘review’ of what I have done with what God has given to me.

And the struggles that I face…..even today, smack up against the deadline of the secular world and fully exposed to defeat yet again. With a mustard seed of faith…..crying out to the Lord for salvation from the distress yet again. Will He come through or will He finally shake His mighty head in sadness and let go……..
God is not a man, human or bound by anything other than His righteousness and holiness.

He is mighty and powerful indeed to save. Even a wretch like me.

Some people look at my life and where I am now; shaking their heads. I drive a car that has seen better days years ago. I have no degree, no ‘highly’ skilled job to match my desires, talents and skills. I have no home even, having fallen upon the graces of family….living in a home that is not my own and burdening someone else with the needs of my family. My bank account is seriously vacant and my financial outlook grimmer than a necessary roof repair….I have broken relationships and children who have had to grow up beyond their years…..I struggle with smoking, with depression and self-depreciating self-image…

And yet, on this day of my physical birth….I can only look back, even in the face of the burden of possibly being without a ‘legal’ car by the end of the day because of insurance and plates that expire and no funds to obtain their renewal……and see a God that is so much more than human eyes can behold and human minds can encompass.
And who has spelled out the proof of His love, the might of His grace and the redemptive peace of His mercy throughout history and even in the smaller story of my own life…time and time and time again.

Even in the midst of this latest deadline; I hope for an outcome that would not only rescue me from this disaster but would bring Him undeniable glory through the testimony of its resolution……or that the darkness of the road ahead is the one He has set my feet to and that my movement into its inky blackness would speak of His love and peace that is mine to have, if only I trust in Him.

But to testify to His power, to show His grace and to live in His mercy…we have to live exposed…and willing, by human hands and words, to be wounded. Honor scars, John Eldridge calls them…..the infliction of which bear no difference from the painful wounds of our hearts outside of Christ’s salvation.

“Have you ‘renounced secret and shameful ways’---the things that your sense of honour will not allow to come to the light? …………….. Is there a thought in your heart about anyone which you would not like to be dragged into the light?” Oswald Chambers asks us today in My Utmost For His Highest. “Renounce it as soon as it springs up; renounce the whole thing until there is no hidden thing of dishonesty or craftiness about you. Envy, jealousy, strife---these things arise not necessarily from the disposition of sin, but from the make-up of your body which was used for this kind of thing in days gone by.”

Today, forty-two years ago, a baby boy was born to Sharon Lee Nitchie and Ronald Lawrence Hutson. Shortly thereafter, the heart of that little boy was brutally murdered unconsciously and consciously at the hands of his parents….. At the age of sixteen, abandoned by a church that refused to step up and defiant of a father whom chose to live a life beyond the focus of children, that now-teenager left home and moved in with his birth mother for a week, then his half-sister for a few months, eventually living on his own during his senior year of High School, turning his back upon God and this religiosity called “Christianity.” Renouncing everything and anything to do with “God”, this young man departed into a life that would leave many quivering in their shoes and ill with contempt. It is hard to live life when your heart has been stilled…..and you are unaware of a life flowing around you when your ambition is to kill the body as the soul is by the age of thirty.

Drugs, immoral behavior, theft, alcohol abuse and involvement in things that would be questionable for even the hardiest of criminally-driven minds were my attempts….and they all failed in the self-set purpose they were engaged for.
Five years ago on February 14th, 2004 that boy was redeemed by the blood of the Lamb and the grace of the Father in Heaven….and took the first steps on a journey that has stepped into the darkness of a wounded soul…and found peace in the midst of exposure. My life is disrupted, disturbed and disorientated; completely worthless but in the hands of the Creator who made it ‘wonderfully and fearfully’, naming me before I was even born and purposing me to the work He has set aside to do with me for the sake of His glory.

I have been blessed, even if the only blessing I can see is the love of a Savior that was so powerfully felt within the fabric of His being that He allowed Himself to be sacrificed upon a cross, nailed brutally with iron nails through the human flesh He set aside His rightful place to assume by my own hands. I cringe when the image of that hammer driving the nails through His flesh plays in my mind.

Yet, even in those times of open rebellion and defiance when I walked willfully away from Him, His promise and His purpose….He stood there and offered the protection of a father’s love…..until that day He knew I would turn around and seek Him once more in the summer of my youth. He waited and rejoiced once He saw me walking over that hill and didn’t even wait for me to complete the miles to the front door of the home He’s kept for me before His arms wrapped themselves around me, His robe tightly wrapped around my shoulders and His love flowing over me like waves of cleansing rain…..tears of joy that once were tears of sorrow and pain for the son who wandered so far from home’s warmth and grace.

Where I am only fit to be a servant in my Father’s house, He would throw a banquet…..where I am only fit to slop the pens of the pigs and livestock, He would cloak me in finest silks…..where I am even unfit to tie the sandals on His feet, He would bend down and wash the grime and filth of the journey in this decayed and corrupt world from my feet.

I have nothing to give and yet He looks at me with the eyes of a Master Craftsman and nods His head….”This is what I was looking for when I first took you from the clay of the ground, and I can do much with this.”

He has begun that developing work; shaping this burnt, misshapen and brittle wood into the vision He holds in His eye for it. Whittling dependency on worldly things here, cutting off decayed and corrupted material there, sanding off the sharpness of an edge here and there…..listening with a craftsman’s ear to the story that the wood has to tell…one He knows from its beginnings…….working as He knows to do towards the final work of beauty that He sees already formed.

I am far from where the finished piece is, but I am being shaped by the Father’s hands.

That is why I struggle despite the certainty of my doubts, why I move into the darkness of a small and narrow way and why I desire nothing more than to stand before those seeking, those hungering and those thirsting for His truth and speak it from personal experience; the hope that flows within me that He has begun a work in me and will not stop until He is finished.

On that day, however many birthdays on this world I have yet to celebrate….I want to stand before Him in judgment and know that I am the beautiful work He has made in me, that those who stand with me that I have come across in this journey were blessed by my testimony, empowered by my sorrow and impacted by my love for His work.
That is my purpose, to which I have given my life freely to Him to be used as He sees fit. To serve others that they might see Him.

“Do not use deception,” that is, resorting to what will carry your point. This is a great snare. You know that God will only let you work in one way, then be careful never to catch people the other way………………..” Chambers concludes his devotion for today, “For you to do a certain thing would mean the incoming of craftiness for an end other than the highest, and the blunting of the motive God has given you. Many have gone back because they are afraid of looking at things from God’s standpoint. The great crisis comes spiritually when a man has to emerge a bit farther on than the creed he has accepted.”

Fully exposed…….in the midst of this deadline, where the doubt of my flesh war with the assurance of my spirit, I will stand; praying for God’s provision and understanding His authority to answer in His way, His timing and His plan….even to the point of my distress in the physical. I will continue to praise Him if the plane continues to the ground…..I can do nothing else.

Because on this day forty-two years ago, a baby boy was born…..and is walking closer and closer to home in the arms of his loving Savior.

There was no resolution for the mountain that I face....but I am confident in the Lord to do what He has purposed to do in this situation and bring me to greater testimony about the power, grace and love of our Father in Heaven.