I am sure....

“If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men. But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead.” 1 Corinthians 15:19-20a

In Adam, all have died….corrupted from the original design by the original sin of Adam and Eve. There’s simply no way around it, there’s no smoothing the brutal truth of that fact.

We have been condemned to die because of the introduction of sinfulness and rebellion against God, just as Lucifer has been before us. But, unlike the continued demand of Satan to be a god and to be given more than his due, we have an opportunity to turn from the corrupted nature of our humanity and become secured in the righteousness of Christ. There is nothing we can do to change our lot as those alienated from God, nothing that we can entice God closer with and definitely nothing that we can bribe ourselves into His Holy of Holies with…….there are no shadows in which we can hide in to cast our eyes upon God’s wondrous Holiness without Him knowing. There is nothing we can do to sneak past His righteousness and hide in the alleys of Heaven’s streets.

We come to a place where we come face to face with the great I AM and either are destroyed in our evilness or transformed by the blood of His Son’s holy and perfect sacrifice.

Some are blessed to be broken enough, humbled enough and wide-eyed enough to realize the magnitude of this experience. These are the like of Piper, Chan, Mueller, Mullins and others, some well known and others, many others, who will never be world widely proclaimed but whom have inspired a few who have inspired a few who have inspired a few……and so on, like Lucy, The Robynsons, Rings, and Barlow. (If you want some background, buy Francis Chan’s Crazy Love).

Honestly, how much do we live in the ‘fearful’ shadow of those we have raised into idol status, even at the antithesis of those idolized, and limped along inside the protective walls of our communities that we label with inspirational names and gaze out the doors with blind eyes to those who stand outside the walls and reinforce an image of who we are with inadequate (or unfortunately, correct) information on ‘those Christians.’ Francis Chan quotes a friend who said, “Christians are like manure: spread them out and they help everything grow better, but keep them in one big pile and they stink horribly.”

We either brutalize the leadership of the church in our criticisms or we are ignored by the leadership of the church for our criticisms, there is no middle ground for those who would call themselves Christians. I have done so, and when I speak of the problems of the church –I used to speak of it in terms of ‘they’ and ‘them’ rather than ‘us.’ It has been a long journey away from that, because when I have done that, even when I have spoken truth in what I said, I have limited God and ignored what He has called me to do. It is funny, He never said that I’d walk in the door of the many churches or ministries that I have been blessed to experience and find the validation of the Call immediately or even a few years down the road. He simply said “I want you to do this for me” and then started to work on preparing me for that service.

Funny thing is, it wasn’t to ‘fix’ His church or to correct the nature of humanity to corrupt instantly anything that God inspires.
Nor was it to convince through action or deed my credentials to perform the fearful work of speaking God’s word to those of the family, and to live it to those outside of the family.

Abraham, Isaac, Joseph, Moses and Paul didn’t need specialized training to do what God called them to do, nor did they suddenly have theological degrees in the hermeneutics of Gospel presentation. They didn’t micromanage the churches they were part of or even founded, demand support and adoration from the people who followed them. They weren’t perfect in all aspects, but constantly broken in recurring aspects of their humanity over and over.

It wasn’t to lead in areas that I am told to lead or to emboss my weaknesses in other areas to resemble strengths. It wasn’t to seek affirmation or acknowledgment of God’s ‘Hand upon Me” or to find that someone that had enough clout to make things happen. It wasn’t to do a wide variety of things simply to be doing those things. It wasn’t to seek a niche and defend it with tenaciousness.

It was to do what He had purposed me to do, to seek His will in that place and to step out in a crazy, audacious and totally insane way of trust into that place where I was totally not comfortable and totally afraid so that He could step in and do through me what He wants to do.

Pretty humbling when we think about how often we don’t do that stuff that He’s given us to do.

We worry about the church and how much it has lost its effectiveness in the world that is growing more and more immoral and separated from God each and every day. We have those of us who have the conviction of their own twisted theology that take it upon themselves to inspire hatred of Christians through their hatred of those who are not, and others who can turn a phrase sweetly and with honey dripping from the periods who have dramatically gutted the reality of Christianity to be more conformist to the other religious movements that man has inspired to compete with God.

We look at the pastor who doesn’t speak as eloquently as another, or leads a congregation smaller than a popular four-campus church pastor and even demand a level of perfection in those who aspire to follow God’s prompting with structurally-generic goals that may be impossible or incorrect for them to overcome.

We give these things as excuses to not do what we are called to do because of the messiness of the ‘church’ and its attitude towards us.

We live in the foolishness of man rather than the impossibilities of God.
And the world pities us because of this disconnection.

If one Christian, one who lives what Francis Chan calls ‘thinking biblically rather than conventionally’ and being part of a body ‘where radical living is becoming the norm’, then we no longer have to fear what the church has become, because simply the church that is of man’s construct (business model, seeker model, model of the model) is changed by the Church that is radically living in eternal sight regardless of its inhabited spaces. A Church that is inspired by, convicted under and transformed in Jesus Christ.

Francis Chan walked away from a ‘mega-‘ to start a ‘plant’ and has never been happier. Even the mega was transformed by his willingness and genuine pursuit of a God who met him a few steps into that passionate pursuit with a relentless will to transform him into a warrior without a home, country or membership outside of His identity. Chan isn’t the only one, there are others who step along the road to that selflessness desire to be radically transformed.

Some end up wandering into the rock-hard soil where their own skills and passions (or wounds) have lead them into hardened ground and have misled thousands and others have been brutalized by their very own congregations because of their crazy schemes to follow God’s will.

I’ve stopped worrying about what others say to do, or what others refuse to let me do because of some scrapped together goals of the Christian leader. I have realized when I am in purpose, when I am doing the work that I don’t feel I can do justice to and living in the fearfulness of disappointing someone I seriously love, that then I am doing those things that others say are lacking here or not seen there. It’s why I desire to be there, to do that work, and struggle with my pride and insolence when I have to leave it behind because……..

I need to convince no one of my ‘calling’ to God’s purpose, nor do I have to fight for the right to do such things. As I grow in trust, inspired by love and girthed by grace, I can simply walk into the opportunities of God’s provision; still struggling with aspects of my faith that may never truly be satisfied this side of Heaven, and watch God show up to make His will be done, His inspiration known and His pleasure at the participation of His son in the work at hand.

There is no set model, no definite structure or required training that fits each and every one of us. There is the absolute Truth and its fruitful pursuit that is evidenced either in great or small ways in our lives as we no longer subscribe to limiting God to our standards but inspire to conform to His.

We belong to a God who so radically loved us that He GAVE us His ONLY Begotten SON, that no one who desired the gift of Salvation should perish but would know everlasting life, not in the future but in the realization of living radically in love with a God who shows us that life in real ways each day.

That is what I know for sure…….as Michael W. Smith sings…….

“I like to think about the new creation/Things that God will do/So every now and then I stop and close my eyes/I enjoy the view/And the heart grows strong/And the fear grows weak/And I cannot wait for the new world to come to me/And while I dream/Oh, I pray for you/'Cause He wants you to go/I know"


And I will live my life and my faith like I believe.....in the suretity of His authority, truth and love.

All in or all out, there is no middle

“The LORD says: ‘These people come near to Me with their mouth and honor Me with their lips, but their hearts are far from Me. Their worship of Me is made up only of rules taught by men.” Isaiah 29:13

Through the first three chapters of Francis Chan’s book “Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God,” I was in a love-struggle relationship with this pastor. I loved the things he said that affirmed my opinions and thoughts about Christ, God, Christianity and the Church and struggled with some of the challenges he laid out in his videos and chapters of truly seeking to understand that God.

Then I hit the fourth chapter of the book and immediately I wanted to dislike or even be mad at Chan because it wasn’t simply a challenge nor a idea, he threatened my faith and dared me to jump off the cliff to grow deeper. “The American Church is a difficult place to fit in if you want to live out New Testament Christianity.” Francis Chan writes in the chapter entitled “Profile of the Lukewarm”, “The goals of American Christianity are often a nice marriage, children who don’t swear, and good church attendance.”

This I agreed on and Chan sucked me into the deep without my realization.

I didn’t even get off that page when Chan dares me….”Would you describe yourself as totally in love with Jesus Christ? Or do the words halfhearted, lukewarm, and partially committed fit better?”

It is interesting, as I grow more and more in my understanding (which is by no means ever going to be complete) of God’s identity…..which is the same as it was in the beginning of time, the more it seems I have to spend my time in dialogue with those who believe in the false religious systems of this world and man’s making correcting not the theology of following Christ but the incorrect usage of language, dialogue and logic.

Too often, what Chan says is the commonplace default of any Christian church, “worldly tolerance.” As I stall in the chapter 4 of Chan’s book, Crazy Love, I wonder if the church has become a breeding ground of ‘lukewarm Christians.’

And if I am in serious danger of becoming one myself with the season I’m experiencing.

It is interesting that God, being everything I know Him to be, is in no danger of being overwhelmed by the mystical religious systems that humanity has created throughout the ages; Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism and so on…..so many, even those who hide underneath the guise of ‘Christian’ faith but break the connection between God, His Word, His Spirit and His Mission….like the end-time professors who mislead many or the hate-filled protestors of the country’s heroic military at their funerals.

But He calls us to be ready to speak what we believe, to defend it, with kindness and love and the authority that we have as His children and Christ’s co-heirs. Often, we do it with an agenda of our own, to fill our pews and to prove we can handle the work. But, is that truly what it means and looks like to be engaged in the work of the great I AM?

It is easy to deflect from ourselves the attention of the verse above……but are we also ‘far from God’ in our hearts? And what does that look like?
I won’t break down what Francis Chan wrote in Chapter Four; the characteristics of the lukewarms, but they all point to a simple point.

You are either all in or all out.

There is no other religious system that creates such demand in such a way as Christianity does or readily exposes such middle ground straddling. You can separate most of the other human made and defined religious movements by the differences in the same theology that is exposed, but the universal (catholic…not to be confused with the Roman Catholic) church has foundational doctrines that cannot be ignored or altered but must be believed.

Dogmatic differences might exists but these are often on topics that go beyond the text that we know. I can walk into any biblically based and believing Church and find those foundations even if the worship and style of preaching is radically different from what I am used to. I can go to a different city and state, or even country and find the welcoming arms of family (extended eternal version) even though I have never met them.

Because we are all in, all pressing forward with a intensity and drive passion to pursue Christ and make Him known to those who engage in those false systems. With loving intensity and pure passion.

Not relying on our own opinions and agendas, but presenting the Gospel without alteration or abbreviation and then baptizing those who believe and training them in the faith. It’s not a hit and run, believe what you wish when you wish, but a mentorship that is for a lifetime. As we are grown, we turn and help others to grow.

There are some who this is a natural or God-given ability of discernment for finding those to disciple and those who are discipling them. For others, it is not. Do we leave those whom the natural ability to step into this discipling role has never been developed or do we arrange situations or point to people for them to engage and become invested in?

Are those who are weak in the discernment of disciples to mentor somehow lukewarm in their passions and love for the Messiah and God?

If I’m wandering from topic to topic and it doesn’t seem to make any sense or be connected in any way, I’m sorry. The last month has been a blend of all these various things and it seems to be culminating in Chan’s descriptive of ‘lukewarms.’ Which is why I’m stalled here.

I am challenged to things I am not feeling God’s demands on, but is it because of my own lukewarm desires or because I am passionately engaged in where God is leading. I am being questioned about the authority of my beliefs, as based on an authority beyond my own, and my willingness to speak them but am I doing it out of a sense of superior righteousness or resounding love? Am I truly following with everything I am or reserving the best for the lean times?

These are things that have me stalled and have me burning the campfire late into the night.

Even Francis Chan admits his characterizations aren’t all-inclusive or even a litmus test of whether or not we are truly Christians or simply ‘lukewarm water.’ As he points out, the bible tells us to examine our faith and test it. Pastor Chan says “We are all messed up human beings and no one is totally immune to the behaviors [of lukewarms or any other characterization in other chapters].”

“However,” he continues, “there is a difference between a life that is characterized by these sorts of mentalities and habits and a life that is in the process of being radically transformed.”

After all, Jesus didn’t follow His Father’s will in a lukewarm way and He doesn’t offer us that option.

He tells us to “Take up your cross and follow Me.”

The Prodigal Father with two sons.....

“The younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of the estate I have coming to me.' So he distributed the assets to them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered together all he had and traveled to a distant country, where he squandered his estate in foolish living……….But [the older son] replied to his father, 'Look, I have been slaving many years for you, and I have never disobeyed your orders, yet you never gave me a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when [the younger son] of yours came, who has devoured your assets with prostitutes, you slaughtered the fattened calf for him.' (Luke 15:12-13, 29-30 HCSB)

I knew this parable, now correctly identified theologically as “The Story of Two Sons”, as the Prodigal Son and have written on my blog about it. The worst thing in the world I ever heard was, “You are just like your father.” The first comment caused me, when I left home at the age of sixteen and turned my back on ‘The Church” to hate looking in the mirror because I was reminded of whom I looked like. Granted, my father was no saint and did a lot of things that were wrong but I understand him more and the wounds that he himself carried in the darkness of this world. Indeed, we were very much alike.

I left home at sixteen, boldly telling both my fathers (earthly as well as the heavenly) that I was done with them and would be a shining example of the problematic son that would only bring grief in the telling of who’s I was. A majority of my testimony I’ll probably never tell in one sitting because of the places I went and the darkness I wrapped myself up into. Much like the younger son, whom squandered the inheritance, I was for the majority of my life. I even squandered the financial inheritance my father sent me a few months after I left home. I was, in my opinion, everything my earthly father hated in one of his offspring. What I didn't know is that everyday my heavenly Father looked longingly down the road for my profile to crest the hill.

The greatest thing I ever heard on this earth was, “I was never, for one minute, ashamed of you.” I can remember sitting down in the living room of my earthly father’s trailer on the farm in Gladwin and telling him I had traveled up there to ‘bury the hatchet’ for my own sake, if not for him. I was tired of running away from myself because of who I reminded myself of and I was sorry that I had been a son of whom he was ashamed. The shock on his face, along with the words he spoke, was not what I had practiced for or expected. We didn't suddenly become close, hugging and weeping in each other’s arms and when he passed away a few months later, the intensity of the sorrow was partly for that lack of intimate love a father and son should have had…..but, that step was part of the journey I began to take to understand the man I knew as my father. To this day, I look in the mirror and thank God for the memory that presents itself to me of the man known as Ronald Lawrence Hutson.

I thought my connection to this parable ended there, but my heavenly Father taught me something in the last year that had me realize that this was not true.

Against my heavenly Father, I have been an older son too, especially in regards to the pursuit of His purpose for me. It has been a struggle, fighting the wounds of the past and dealing with the circumstances of my sinful life. I am very much older, physically, than my chronological age because of the abuses I once visited upon a body I didn't care for and the emotional scarring that was allowed in the darkness to tighten and limit my mental health. Much of the last year has been a ‘quieting’ of the ‘What about me?” syndrome that has haunted the lessons and discipling that the Lord has put me through, at my request, because I have surrendered all I am to His shaping. It has been hard, this redemption of my mind and soul, because I've struggled with the concept of love and mercy and grace…..and why, if I was ‘doing so well’ I still faced the struggles I did. Much like the older son, I wanted the bigger portion because I had done the ‘bigger’ growing.

The greatest thing I've ever heard from the Heavens is “"'Son,' he said to him, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.””

As always, I have learned, it is a choice that you have to make; both initially and continuously, whether you will remain outside the party in anger at the celebration of sibling or go inside to raise your heart in praise at what the Father has done.

And that is a prodigal move either way.

God moment....

“God, Your faithful love is so valuable that people take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They are filled from the abundance of Your house; You let them drink from Your refreshing stream, for with You is life's fountain. In Your light we will see light. Spread Your faithful love over those who know You, and Your righteousness over the upright in heart.” (Psalms 36:7-10 HCSB)

It is not that often, gathered with the immediate members of the vast family of God, that my mind wanders and my thoughts drift away from the course of the message being given or the lesson being taught. Because I so love to listen to the virtues of the Word and the imagery that He’s given to someone about a particular passage or thought that is being expounded upon. I used to be, in the earliest of my new life, particular about the whole ‘functionality’ of the pastorship and those who are put (or put themselves) into positions of leadership for a congregation simply because it was MY ears they were reaching and it was MY family in which they were ‘in charge.’ I’m probably not alone in that, and it is a sad state of affairs that the body is so fractured because of the human side of the equation…..we still tend to elevate those in pastoral, directorship and even elderships into extremely isolated pockets were only the godly can walk (or so we assume) and the righteous lounge without fear of eviction (or so we believe).

It is not that often even absent of the fellow believers that I know (even if they don’t know me) that I wander when approaching the manner of being in the Word. There have been only a few times, and a few choice places, where the ‘fortunate’ occurrence takes place….without my noticing, at least in the beginning…

I call them ‘God-moments’ because the clarity and profound peace that I feel during them can only mean He is very near……..molecules of air close…..

Worship was heightened for me today, I just couldn’t seem to stop smiling even as my heart was carried away by the essence of the songs…the words both meaningless and profoundly impacting, even though I’ve heard them before. The worship band, led by Marshall Mobley, performed both as they normally do (exceptional) and with an apparent brush of the divine whispering amongst the chords and strums, beats and depressions made on the musical instruments and interspersed among the amplified voices of the singers. It wasn’t that Nellie Fowles was helping or even that she gave a powerful reading from the Word, stepping boldly into a powerful song with a heart dripping with the passion brought on by the Holy Spirit…something I’ve seen her do, miles away behind some dark red doors in a environment called New York City.

Maybe it was her voice so burdened with a heart for God that tripped the ‘God moment’ for me, or at least started the turning of my world into the mystical, peaceful and charged place where God sits in the Holy of Holies. If so, I owe her a debt of thanks.

Maybe it was the heartfelt prayer before service, where I asked to be emptied of the blessings given before that moment so that all could be filled with an overwhelming, overfilling amount of the Spirit so that we were driven into the streets burning with the flame of the redeemed.

Maybe it was my son, as they read off the announcements today and the Bowery Street Mission trip was once again mentioned, who tugged on my arm and whispered as I leaned close, “You’re going there, Dad!”

Most likely, it was simply a matter of God’s success in getting and securing my attention beyond the realm of the physical and the mental. A firm grip on the hand of His son, a moment where the world was put on hold as we sat together and He displayed the wonders of the plans that He set aside for me even before the world I know began. A simple invitation to “Come, worship Me.”

I know it wasn’t Shannon Nielsen, the lead pastor for the church I go to called Mosaic A2, and his need today to expound upon the minutia of the story of Jacob, Leah and Rachel that is the central focus for the topic today from Tim Keller’s book, Counterfeit Gods….. how marrying your cousin and marrying more than one wife was not the ‘truth’ of the Bible but rather humanity’s customs at the time that bothered me to the point of drifting, though I was bothered by the necessity that seemed to overwhelm the meat of the topic today, “Love is not all you need”, by a defense of what was being read. A momentary thought of annoyance drifted in my mind and was gone, as was my centering on the voice coming from the stage.

I spotted Shannon Carey sitting down in the seats on the main level (I have taken to sitting in the back upper level, off to the side) and I was filled with a happiness for her, a certain and expressed ‘knowing’ that whatever God was facing with her, whatever dealings He whispered in her ears as she swam the mighty oceans of His Word or whatever prompting He was gently prodding her with was a great and mighty thing that is leading her closer and closer to the ‘sweet spot’ He’s reserved for her even before her world was begun. I would’ve loved to be a part of that, just to watch it unfold in the life of such a special daughter of God, but that seems to be a momentary, selfish wish that isn’t going to happen. Maybe it was meant to be but was altered by the wounds of this world, but I think it wasn’t meant to unfold other than the way it did. Still, I know our paths will cross again someday as God draws us both into the paths He would have us walk as we journey towards home. And in the end of it all, that is what matters. Today, that was a moment glimpsed that God gave me to settle a part of this life.

There were others in the group, this band of members that I fellowship with silently among the borders of their community, where I felt a heightened sense of “blam, there He is” or “Hoooray, He walks there”….. some that I have known and been known by and others who, though part of the same family and community, have never crossed that invisible line between seen and being known. But each seemed to glow with a certain light or a different posture that whispered “God’s there” to me.

For me, I was ensnared by the picture I carry in my bible from the Bowery trip last year, one of many that are stuck in the zippered outer compartment of my bible pack……..one of the Red Bowery Doors and nothing else.

I want to go back to behind those doors, I realized today, with a very intense and powerful desire. Tim Keller tells us to think about what we daydream and what whispers in the darkness of our sleep, for there are what the gods of our lives reside and drawn their enslavement of our hearts from. Even good things, born of a desire that shadows out God and replaces our relationship with Him for the objects hidden behind our mind’s eye. It is not my desire to go to the Bowery Street Mission because it’s a week away from the kids, family responsibility and a chance to travel; nor because I want to be preaching again at the famous Bowery Chapel where Presidents and other notable figures have stood and given God’s Word to the community there. In the intensity of the God-moment today, it was simply one reason and one reason alone.

To be joyfully broken by my God.

To be used as an instrument after being crafted again at His hand, to embolden and incite a community and to be a piece of the work that is being overseen by the Holy Spirit and those God has emplaced in that city to be His eyes, ears, hands and feet to a people who would turn from His salvation for the lack of experience.

The money needed to go will come, the ‘babysitter’ for the kids will be identified and the experience of the Bowery will once again grow me further and farther than I have been in a week for in the midst of the desire to be an instrument for the caring of His people, both the lost and the found, there is the welcomed opportunity to be shaped and molded by walking alongside Him in the work He is doing.

As the service wound down and the moment that I was given to walk hand in hand, step to step with my God faded into the backdrop of this reality, all I could do is whisper;

“Wow, what a great and mighty God is He……”

On the edge of faith and belief....

“God works through different people in different ways, but it is the same God who achieves His purpose through them all” 1 Corinthians 12:6 (PH)

It is not the job I expected, nor one that I suspect that I will particularly excel at, but it seems to be the job that God has made me wait for eleven months for before presenting it to me late one night as I perused Linked In, one of my network sites, and discovered a fact that I had missed in the ten months of really working the networking syndicates….they have a job section. I send in the ‘online’ application, honestly answering that I couldn’t pass a street test if required for employment (I have been in A2 since July and still am a newbie). They called the next day and we spend the rest of that day and the next chasing each other on the phone.

Thursday, phone interview….Tuesday, meeting with the Hiring Manager and a race to the Secretary of State for a Chauffeur license and driving record copy….then dropping the application off, with the quickly snapped ‘passport’ quality photos, at the “Taxi Officer” of Ann Arbor Police Department, Officer Clock….

Monday, a call from Officer Clock saying he needed my chauffeur license copy. When I brought it in, he asked me to wait and came back with my application approved. A paid cabby license later and I’m officially licensed to be a taxi driver in the city of Ann Arbor. Tomorrow I call Betty and let her know I can attend training starting on Monday coming.

This is not what I was expecting…..ministry job aside.

There is no grace period here, no cushion of mercy that should I fall upon this ‘face for radio’ mug that will not cause further damage. I spend all of my funds on the licensing, running around and such…..I’m literally 180 miles from empty and there are some mighty bills due by mid-month. I had to go out and get pick through some ministry’s clothing bank for some work pants….they didn’t have any shirts…..and I can only hope the car maintains for a few more months until I can get it fixed. If for some reason, any reason, I can’t make this job work…….it is going to be a pretty big crater when I crash.

Not the beginnings I expected either……..dreaming aside.

It is no surprise to me how my secular life has followed my spiritual one. As one continued to fail, so did the other. I have come a long way from where I was six and a half years ago, when on Valentine’s day, God truly opened my heart and all the nastiness that a dying heart can gush out. He started me on a journey that day, a journey that has not ever worked out the way I imagined it would from the moment I surrendered; one that still twists through the valleys and the swamps of this wilderness with amazing dexterity and suddenness. Some would say I appear to be no further along that I was on the blustery February day, but I know that’s not true. Some would say that I’m worse off now that I ever was way back then. Maybe, but then one could say that Christ felt the same way when He hung on the cross and cried out to a Father that turned away from Him. Maybe I am worse off, but then that simply makes me that much closer to the prize.

As I have learned to subsist on a meager shadow of what I once earned, I have mirrored a meager fare in the spiritual life as well….slowly wearing off the edge of desire to be in ministry service in God’s church. As I have let go of those things I wanted above all else when I was employed, I began to give up those things I wanted above all else in the spiritual as well.

I should not be here in this place…….in all honesty.

As my beliefs have strained to the breaking point, both in my professional and spiritual abilities, I have let them go…..snapping them against the cruel taskmaster of faith and reality…..and they haven’t come rebounding back. I stand here on sheer ice, in both worlds, waiting for the breaking tearing that will signify my doom where my faith dies and my professional ability prove inadequate to the task.

I am at a point where I cannot encourage, sustain or support myself anymore, both in the spiritual and the secular world.

I am at a point where God has the clear opportunity to use this ‘different’ job to show me a ‘different’ work to do for Him…..

The job has changed, the life has changed and even my faith has changed……

But He stayed the same.

Integrity of faith

"We say, then, that faith must not be inert and alone. Rather, it should be accompanied with investigation. For I do not say that we are not to inquire at all." Clement of Alexandria (C.195, E), 2.446.

I sit here alone, in this home that friends have helped make for me and two of my three children. Time to reflect and ponder the incalculables of this life, this place and the methods and means that have brought me here.

I sit staring at a photograph that was taken four years before my firstborn son, Malcolm, was born. You can't tell it by the photo, but my wisdom teeth had been removed in the middle of the night by an upset Dental officer who was on-call when the emergency happened. One of the wisdom teeth had gotten impacted or something like that....it was killing me.

Anyway, you can't really see the puffed up cheeks unless you really look.

It is a simple photo taken by all the military recruits, not just in the Navy, but in all the other services as well. It is to symbolize the transition from civilian to military, a rite of passage that has happened throughout this nation's history even before it could be documented in such a fashion. I look at that young man, twenty-three years old, and wonder where the passion in his eyes disappeared to, where the hint of happiness drifted away to and where the freshness in his (closed mouth, but still noticeable) smile went to.

You can see it in the eyes of that young sailor, the belief in the system that created the military might that helped protect a nation's birth and its journey through the painful growth years. You can see the patriotism that drove the young man to 'jump ship' on his civilian life and be something meaningful and powerful as a military man.

You can see a little bit of the father in that young man, there's a small photo of him in the corner of the frame (covering a tear in the photographic paper) that was taken at the USO in Hawaii when the father served. You can see the similarities in their posture, look and appearance, even though the periods in which they served are vastly different.

The father served in Korea and Vietnam, the son during Desert Storm.

I stared at that photo for a few hours today at this desk.......

A verse drifts across my thoughts as I ponder that fresh, crazily young man staring at me with a smirk about the absurdity of the photo....(trying not to smile so you won't see the red-bloody mouth). Robert McGee opens his book, The Search for Significance, with it.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24 NIV

We know this verse, or at least the more largess picture of the chapter of 139....it is about the 'ever-present God,' who knows our every thought and the meaning in our words all before we even think to utter them....for we cannot hide from Him, even if we choose to and it is those who harbor 'wicked ways' that fills the psalmist with loathing even as he recognizes the 'possibility' of them existing within himself. He surrenders that hidden part of him to God, to thoroughly investigate and exercise those 'wicked ways' so that he may know 'permanent peace.'

How many of us truly surrender those hidden places to the light of God? How many of us go to our friends, our pastors and our congregations....those places where God's accountability is supposed to exist and pour our brokenness out, our fears and failures? We don't, because we know humanity will disappoint us and the church will destroy us if we don't appear to be making progress in the journey of believing in God, about God and life with God.

Much like that young man believed in the rightness of entry into the US Navy.....
Life has not happened the way that young man once believed it would......he had left that legalistic God presented to him in his youth behind...this was the concrete step into a future he believed he was entitled to, capable of and worthy of.

That was before.........

Much like that young man, reality has set in on my faith. Reality.....those impossibly high mountains that stand in the path that I have journeyed on these almost forty-three years. Mountains of painful childhood, ignorant adulthood and wounded fatherhood. Mountains of broken relationships, isolated love and rejected emotions. Mountains of inept financial management and stupid choices. Mountains that Christ said I could move with a mustard seed of faith.

If they haven't moved, then it would be 'christian' to assume that my faith is non-existent. Never existed, cut off at conception and born deathly still in the hospital of this world......burned in the incendiaries of the corruption it spawns.

After all, the great faithful....those who 'get it' walk confidently in their lives; yes, some even on days other than Sunday and when they boldly proclaim the purposes to which God has called them....they are surrounded by those who would 'help God' along with the plans......they don't want those 'chosen' to sit in the filthy and muck of this world for long.

After all, they can live vicariously through the abilities of the 'chosen ones.' God wouldn't leave someone in the muck and mire and require those 'benefactors' to sit there with them and learn from their sorrows or pains. Nope, if there was faith operating in that darkness, well....the God of Israel and Christians would lift the 'chosen' up and rinse him clean with the blood.

There wouldn't be any need to discuss the 'darkness' or the 'hidden wicked places' that haunt the faithful's life....to condone such utterances would be foolish and unwise. To be significant in the Body of Christ, one has to be seemingly perfect and totally silent about their broken hearts and disillusioned dreams. They cannot experience joy amid sorrow and peace amid chaos. They should know only the joy and blessings of being one of Jesus' saved.

Yet......faith remains within me for who Christ is and was, and the authority, power, wrath and love of the God who is His Father and by adoption, my own.

It is that faith that beckons me in this place where God has become silent and the fire burns smaller as the fuel is consumed and darkness encroaches.

It is that faith that has me prostrate on my stomach in the night, pouring my heart out to this God that I know hears, even as I recognize that I don't listen too well.

It is that faith that gets me up each day even as my humanity quails at the thought of another day spent in the agonies of this life.....dealing with 'my stuff',' as one mentor put it.

Sitting in the mire of my muck......

It is the integrity of my faith.

upon the ruins of Jerusalem's walls...discouragement is not of God's people

Before I begin my blog today, I just wanted to post a call to prayer from George from Worthy News Ministries that he put on the bottom of his devotional today: In times such as these, we need to focus more and more on Yeshua haMashiach (Jesus the Messiah) and call upon our Father’s mercy and grace in the days ahead………

Friends, this is a warning to all of us -- it is time to PRAY!!!

We have entered into the time period on the Hebraic calendar between Rosh HaShana (Head of the Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), which is known as the Days of Awe. It dawned on me this morning that perhaps this year will give new meaning to the term. I'm not sure if you realize it but this week's events have the potential of changing the course of history as we know it. As believers, we need to be united in prayer more than ever before.

Thursday: Obama will become the first American president to chair its 15-member Security Council. He is expected to push a UN nonproliferation resolution which is designed to bring all nations into a binding agreement. In the resolution it calls for the right of all states to pursue peaceful nuclear energy -- including Iran. It also calls for all states to sign Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) agreement. This is key because Israel is one of four nations that still has not signed the agreement and understandably so, since the UN is so biased against the Jewish state. (Personal note: it is interesting that Obama would push this stance with the speeches given by Iran’s and Libya’s leaders that accuse the world’s nations of handling them as second-rate nations. Iran still continues to claim a non-military use for the military grade uranium that it is making….)

Friday: A G-20 economic summit representing 85% of the world's economy will be led by President Obama in Pittsburgh. Meanwhile, in Washington D.C. Muslims will be gathering for their first ever "prayer meeting" where there are expected to be up to 50,000 to be in attendance.
Please keep these points in prayer this week and don't forget to keep us in your prayers here in Israel as well.
Your family in the Lord with much agape love,

George, Rivka, Elianna & Obadiah
Currently in the Negev Desert, Israel

Last night I had a prompting of the Spirit to go to church….a surprising development given my recent church history and the struggle I am having with risking myself in another fellowship, though I have met and worshipped with a range of styles since moving back to Canton from Holly. From the comfortable to the new……each has its own disappointments and encouragements, style and worship but each has a biblically sound teaching platform.

A friend on Facebook, the pastor of Thrive Church in Texas, mentioned that in conversations with other families in similar stages of searching for a home church that one phrase kept cropping up….and it perfectly describes my heartfelt desire for the next home God leads us to in this season of the journey: Life-giving.

Neither Mosaic A2 (the new church plant in Ann Arbor) or Life Church in Canton had Wednesday night programs when I checked their websites; Life was going to the North Pointe church, my friend Chris Birtles’ church that I will attend on Saturday (I have experience with NP, and the River of Faith was under the campus leadership of one of NP’s brothers), on some ‘ultra-church’ field trip for some of the youth, but there was nothing else.

Only Berean Bible Church, my friend Tim’s church, had Wednesday night programs: Awana for the two fifth graders and a middle school program called Thrive for the other two…..and a bible study for the men.

With the kids settled into their respective programs, I was directed to the men’s bible study group….They were doing a study on a book written by Dr. David Jeremiah on the book of Nehemiah. The topic for last week was fear……this week, it was discouragement.

God, indeed, in His wisdom and provision knew exactly what I needed to be reminded of and how to send me in the direction of where it would be spoken.

Nehemiah is told by Hanani, one of his brothers, who came from Judah that “those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire.”
Nehemiah was distressed about the condition of his people and his capital city…..and fasted praying to God about this burdening sorrow:

“"O LORD, God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father's house, have committed against you. We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses. Remember the instruction you gave your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the nations, but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name.' "They are your servants and your people, whom you redeemed by your great strength and your mighty hand. O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man." I was cupbearer to the king.” Nehemiah 1:5-11 (NIV)

Nehemiah was an employee of King Artaxerxes, and was held in good regard apparently as we can tell by the King’s reaction when Nehemiah sees him after this tragic news; a) that he would notice his servant’s unhappiness and sorrow, b) He would ask why instead of exercising the option to kill him because he was unhappy near the King and c) He would not only give permission but provision and equip Nehemiah to rebuild Jerusalem’s walls. As Nehemiah departed, he recognized God’s hand in even a pagan’s heart to affect the work that He had burdened His servant for.

God has shown me time and time again that He will provision in amazing and logic-defying ways His servants for the work He’s enticed them to join with Him in.

Nehemiah organizes and sets forth to undertake the rebuilding of the capital city’s walls……He gives an accounting of who did what in Chapter 3. Such work wasn’t embraced by all of the pagan people in the area….most ridiculed the Jewish people…..Sanballat the Horonite, in front of his associates and the army of Samaria, was incensed and angry saying…”What are those feeble Jews doing? Will they restore their wall? Will they offer sacrifices? Will they finish in a day? Can they bring the stones back to life from those heaps of rubble—burned as they are?" Tobiah the Ammonite joked even more, “What they are building—if even a fox climbed up on it, he would break down their wall of stones!"

And even as the work progressed, nearing completion, it raised even more dissention among the pagan enemies of Israel…..Sanballat, Tobiah, the Arabs, the Ammonites and the men of Ashdod began plotting against Jerusalem and its people.

God has brought it about as I progress under the teaching and instruction of the Holy Spirit opposition and ridicule from those opposed or not in sync with God’s word or purpose and have come against me as I push against the ‘corporate mentality’ of the postmodern church………..

Dr. Jeremiah points out four temptations that are usually the precursor to the sin of discouragement……

1) Fatigue, mental and/or physical.

2) Frustration.

Nehemiah 4:10-11 The people of Judah…faced with opposition from the pagan nations surrounding them as they rebuilt the walls of Jerusalem cry out, “The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall. Also our enemies said, ‘Before they know it or see us, we will be right there among them and will kill them and put an end to the work.”

These first two can usually go hand-in-hand, one on top of the other….as you get frustrated, you get tired or as you get tired, you get frustrated. The builders were facing the ridicule of enemy nations and turned to the pile of rubble before them, lamenting that no apparent progress had been made….and time was running out in their opinion before an enemy would attack them.

3) Failure (fear or attitude of failure)

Also in v10 above, the Israelites show the fear of failure, that they aren’t going to be able to build fast enough to thwart the enemy………

4) Fear

Nehemiah 4:11-12. “Also our enemies said, "Before they know it or see us, we will be right there among them and will kill them and put an end to the work." Then the Jews who lived near them came and told us ten times over, "Wherever you turn, they will attack us."”

They didn’t know when the enemy would attack and knew that when it came, they would be overwhelmed with no protective walls…..

Discouragement is the antithesis of what God built us to be and what the rebirth of salvation delivers into our hearts as we continue the journey towards the gates of the New Jerusalem……and the battle grows more intense, the enemy seems to have superior forces arrayed against the children of God.

We elect politicians who mouth godly intentions while their actions draw us further and further away from God’s plan…..we speak the truth, that Christ is the only way to salvation and are twisted into a corner with the new definition of tolerance…..more and more faithful are falling to false doctrines, couched with enough gospel verses to sway the shallow believer and beset the more mature, we label them good under the banner of ‘love’ and condemn those who are led astray……more and more third world countries are under the battle of fatigue, hungry and persecution with more and more believers imprisoned, tortured and killed for the refusal to turn from the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob…….future generations will never breath air because of the increased support of the secular world of abortion and the legislative laws bring us to a ‘master race’ mentality of who is allowed to breath air and who must die, be controlled and prevented from giving birth and more discriminatory, punishing legislation being passed to restrict Christianity……the economy is floundering and the governmental answer is to indebt the future generations…..

We are in discouraging times and the division between the pilgrims of this world and its permanent inhabitants grows daily in ways that years ago we would have scoffed at the possibilities……as we look at the rubble of what was once our protection in the secular world…once so bold and strong in the lives of the people…now lying tumbled and burn upon the ground, we are turning more and more away from the God of our faith and depending upon the workings of man and the ‘religious’ leadership that proclaims a stunted gospel….love everyone and we’ll all get to heaven in our own ways, don’t be offensive and above all, don’t speak absolute truth….define what truth is for you and allow that to be your guide.

Is it any wonder why more and more Christians are falling into apostasy? We believe in strength in numbers and gather ourselves into mega-churches we run like businesses…afraid of not making our ‘budgets’ and looking for spectacular and inviting ways to draw more ‘tithe’ givers of financial strength into our pews. We look less and less to healing those who are wounded, discipling those who are looking, and empowering those who have become apostles into commissioning others into the faith.

And we say, “Look, it’s obviously working…..the money is fine and the service is drawing more and more into our doors! We had to add “ADDITIONAL” services!!!!!”

The remnant is becoming disillusioned by the remaining rubble that lies around the modern church and is giving in to discouragement as the enemies of God’s plan threaten persecution and destruction…….there is just too much to do, there’s just too few to do it, and the enemy is making progress despite our best efforts!!

We all need to step into the story of Nehemiah and look to his example of how ‘sold-out-to-God’ people fight against discouragement. As Dr. Jeremiah points out, there are five God-given weapons to combat the enemy’s plan against the plan God has burdened His people with:

1) Cry out to God.
2) Continue to do the work God has called us to do.
3) Concentrate on the ‘big picture.’
4) Claim the encouragement provided in the promises God has given.
5) Carry the burdens of others as they carry your burdens….don’t carry your own.

”Hear us, O our God, for we are despised. Turn their insults back on their own heads. Give them over as plunder in a land of captivity. Do not cover up their guilt or blot out their sins from your sight, for they have thrown insults in the face of the builders.” Nehemiah 4:4-5 (NIV). Nehemiah doesn’t complain about the insults against him or the people but against God’s plan….giving it to God to handle in His way.

Even as the enemies grumbled and threatened, Nehemiah and his countrymen continued to follow God’s plan full-heartedly, building 25,000 yards (25 football fields) worth of wall half of its original height. Nehemiah 4:6.

He expected and prepared his people for the attacks against the people, rallying them with the encouragements that God had promised His children and walked as he talked, giving all he had in dedication to the call God had placed upon him….

“"Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." When our enemies heard that we were aware of their plot and that God had frustrated it, we all returned to the wall, each to his own work. From that day on, half of my men did the work, while the other half were equipped with spears, shields, bows and armor. The officers posted themselves behind all the people of Judah who were building the wall. Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, and each of the builders wore his sword at his side as he worked. But the man who sounded the trumpet stayed with me. Then I said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "The work is extensive and spread out, and we are widely separated from each other along the wall. Wherever you hear the sound of the trumpet, join us there. Our God will fight for us!" So we continued the work with half the men holding spears, from the first light of dawn till the stars came out. At that time I also said to the people, "Have every man and his helper stay inside Jerusalem at night, so they can serve us as guards by night and workmen by day." Neither I nor my brothers nor my men nor the guards with me took off our clothes; each had his weapon, even when he went for water.” Nehemiah 4:14b-23 (NIV)

When he would be discouraged, when he would be burdened by the task, Nehemiah did not isolate himself and take his portion..wishing for more. He bore the burdens of his people, making their burdened problems and situations his own. He led, again, as he spoke…giving his full focus and effort to the purpose God had set him to. He reinforces the vision with his dedication…inspiring the people through carrying their burdens and affecting change as he was given the authority to do. But he went further, sacrificing his own for the sake of his people:

“Now the men and their wives raised a great outcry against their Jewish brothers. Some were saying, "We and our sons and daughters are numerous; in order for us to eat and stay alive, we must get grain." Others were saying, "We are mortgaging our fields, our vineyards and our homes to get grain during the famine." Still others were saying, "We have had to borrow money to pay the king's tax on our fields and vineyards. Although we are of the same flesh and blood as our countrymen and though our sons are as good as theirs, yet we have to subject our sons and daughters to slavery. Some of our daughters have already been enslaved, but we are powerless, because our fields and our vineyards belong to others." When I heard their outcry and these charges, I was very angry. I pondered them in my mind and then accused the nobles and officials. I told them, "You are exacting usury from your own countrymen!" So I called together a large meeting to deal with them and said: "As far as possible, we have bought back our Jewish brothers who were sold to the Gentiles. Now you are selling your brothers, only for them to be sold back to us!" They kept quiet, because they could find nothing to say. So I continued, "What you are doing is not right. Shouldn't you walk in the fear of our God to avoid the reproach of our Gentile enemies? I and my brothers and my men are also lending the people money and grain. But let the exacting of usury stop! Give back to them immediately their fields, vineyards, olive groves and houses, and also the usury you are charging them—the hundredth part of the money, grain, new wine and oil." "We will give it back," they said. "And we will not demand anything more from them. We will do as you say." Then I summoned the priests and made the nobles and officials take an oath to do what they had promised. I also shook out the folds of my robe and said, "In this way may God shake out of his house and possessions every man who does not keep this promise. So may such a man be shaken out and emptied!" At this the whole assembly said, "Amen," and praised the LORD. And the people did as they had promised. Moreover, from the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when I was appointed to be their governor in the land of Judah, until his thirty-second year—twelve years—neither I nor my brothers ate the food allotted to the governor. But the earlier governors—those preceding me—placed a heavy burden on the people and took forty shekels of silver from them in addition to food and wine. Their assistants also lorded it over the people. But out of reverence for God I did not act like that. Instead, I devoted myself to the work on this wall. All my men were assembled there for the work; we did not acquire any land. Furthermore, a hundred and fifty Jews and officials ate at my table, as well as those who came to us from the surrounding nations. Each day one ox, six choice sheep and some poultry were prepared for me, and every ten days an abundant supply of wine of all kinds. In spite of all this, I never demanded the food allotted to the governor, because the demands were heavy on these people.” Nehemiah 5:1-18 (NIV)

As Nehemiah progressed in the purpose to which God had set his heart to, he was more and more wary of the attack of the enemy…..Shemaiah tried to make Nehemiah give up because of intimidation….telling Nehemiah “Let us meet in the house of God, inside the temple, and let us close the temple doors, because men are coming to kill you----by night they are coming to kill you.” (Nehemiah 6:5 NIV). Shemaiah had been hired by Tobiah and Sanballat to create a bad name for Nehemiah and discredit his words of encouragement…..

How often do we, in the body, do the same thing…..we follow those leaders who whisper that we are being intolerant, unloving, and offensive by speaking the truth….the rhetoric is toned down, hell isn’t mention and the wages of sin…well, let’s just talk about the loving side of God rather than His wrath. We must water down the truth so that we can get the people in the doors…..we must not vote our faith but vote our hopes…..we cannot oppose the government in the democratic way but must accept what they deem is best for us……we run to our 'temple' and close the doors, creating the very reputation we've spoken against in times past and creating the image that our encouragement is not to be heeded......

We need to be like Nehemiah....

Nehemiah saw through the deception and uttered words we should be crying out against the opposition to the Truth, even those in the body who have become fearful and discouraged in the face of the massive rubble of this world:

“"Should a man like me run away? Or should one like me go into the temple to save his life? I will not go!"” Nehemiah 5:11a (NIV).

And in fifty-two days, the walls of Jerusalem were rebuilt…..

What could God do with a body that is not discouraged despite the pile of rubble that has been created from the once-strong walls of the church, dedicated to rebuilding those walls under the threats, insults and intimidations of the enemy and glorifying God by that work He has purposed us all to do.

We can only do it now as the Israelites did in Nehemiah’s time.......Gather together, fasting and wearing sackcloth….confessing our sins and the wickedness of our forefathers in the body…reading from the Word of God and worshipping His mercy, grace and authority in our lives and the work of the church and recalling the promises and provisions of our God to His people, if we will only follow Him:

“"You are the LORD God, who chose Abram and brought him out of Ur of the Chaldeans and named him Abraham. You found his heart faithful to you, and you made a covenant with him to give to his descendants the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Jebusites and Girgashites. You have kept your promise because you are righteous. You saw the suffering of our forefathers in Egypt; you heard their cry at the Red Sea. You sent miraculous signs and wonders against Pharaoh, against all his officials and all the people of his land, for you knew how arrogantly the Egyptians treated them. You made a name for yourself, which remains to this day. You divided the sea before them, so that they passed through it on dry ground, but you hurled their pursuers into the depths, like a stone into mighty waters. By day you led them with a pillar of cloud, and by night with a pillar of fire to give them light on the way they were to take. You came down on Mount Sinai; you spoke to them from heaven. You gave them regulations and laws that are just and right, and decrees and commands that are good. You made known to them your holy Sabbath and gave them commands, decrees and laws through your servant Moses. 15 In their hunger you gave them bread from heaven and in their thirst you brought them water from the rock; you told them to go in and take possession of the land you had sworn with uplifted hand to give them. But they, our forefathers, became arrogant and stiff-necked, and did not obey your commands. They refused to listen and failed to remember the miracles you performed among them. They became stiff-necked and in their rebellion appointed a leader in order to return to their slavery. But you are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore you did not desert them, even when they cast for themselves an image of a calf and said, 'This is your god, who brought you up out of Egypt,' or when they committed awful blasphemies. Because of your great compassion you did not abandon them in the desert. By day the pillar of cloud did not cease to guide them on their path, nor the pillar of fire by night to shine on the way they were to take. You gave your good Spirit to instruct them. You did not withhold your manna from their mouths, and you gave them water for their thirst. For forty years you sustained them in the desert; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen. You gave them kingdoms and nations, allotting to them even the remotest frontiers. They took over the country of Sihon king of Heshbon and the country of Og king of Bashan. You made their sons as numerous as the stars in the sky, and you brought them into the land that you told their fathers to enter and possess. Their sons went in and took possession of the land. You subdued before them the Canaanites, who lived in the land; you handed the Canaanites over to them, along with their kings and the peoples of the land, to deal with them as they pleased. They captured fortified cities and fertile land; they took possession of houses filled with all kinds of good things, wells already dug, vineyards, olive groves and fruit trees in abundance. They ate to the full and were well-nourished; they reveled in your great goodness. But they were disobedient and rebelled against you; they put your law behind their backs. They killed your prophets, who had admonished them in order to turn them back to you; they committed awful blasphemies. So you handed them over to their enemies, who oppressed them. But when they were oppressed they cried out to you. From heaven you heard them, and in your great compassion you gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies. But as soon as they were at rest, they again did what was evil in your sight. Then you abandoned them to the hand of their enemies so that they ruled over them. And when they cried out to you again, you heard from heaven, and in your compassion you delivered them time after time. You warned them to return to your law, but they became arrogant and disobeyed your commands. They sinned against your ordinances, by which a man will live if he obeys them. Stubbornly they turned their backs on you, became stiff-necked and refused to listen. For many years you were patient with them. By your Spirit you admonished them through your prophets. Yet they paid no attention, so you handed them over to the neighboring peoples. But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God. Now therefore, O our God, the great, mighty and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love, do not let all this hardship seem trifling in your eyes—the hardship that has come upon us, upon our kings and leaders, upon our priests and prophets, upon our fathers and all your people, from the days of the kings of Assyria until today. In all that has happened to us, you have been just; you have acted faithfully, while we did wrong.” Nehemiah 7 (NIV)

Burdened by the race…..

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV)

"Temptation is a suggested short cut to the realization of the highest at which I am --- not towards what I understand as evil, but towards what I understand as good." Oswald Chambers writes in My Utmost For His Highest. "Temptation is something that completely baffles me for a while; I do not know whether the thing is right or wrong. Temptation yielded to is lust deified, and is a proof that it was timidity that prevented the sin before. Temptation is not something we may escape, it is essential to the full-orbed life of a man…….God does not save us from temptations; He succours us in the midst of them."

One might wonder why the race Paul speaks of in Hebrews and the explanation of Temptation by Chambers would be put together in today's blog that I write. I would wonder to, if I was still amazed how God draws my attention to various things to get a point across that I've yet to grasp.

George, of Worthy News Ministry in Israel, sent the devo for the Hebrews verse today. "I bet you're tired today. You are done…..overworked, overstressed, overwhelmed." He concludes his devo. "But be encouraged! Just when you think you can't run any further, you can! C'mon! Press through and press on for the great prize! God is with us, strengthening our feeble knees and moving us in the right direction!!"

I have become so tired of the stresses that living in this world surely bears upon each one of us, and the additional stresses that come from being a single parent, and the additional stresses of being a parent of a special needs child. It is amazing to me how dimly even the church family views a single parent, especially of the male persuasion, and the unique position they find themselves in, either by design, by life or the surrendering of another to the temptations of sin. There isn't a ministry in the whole body of the church that has addresses the single parent father. And, if they do not have 'everything organized', they are overlooked and isolated from the body. Often they are the silent ones who glide through the church experience in silence…..never letting anyone know of their situation because of the stigma attached to single fatherhood. Add to that a special needs child and the simplified expectation of fellowship becomes a complicated dance….

The burden got heavier last night as I sat outside…my son came up to me and asked, "Dad, can I talk to you?"

My son has transferred into the Plymouth-Canton School district and is going to school with his cousin at Central. Not even a week later, last night, my son sat down and cried his hurting heart out because of the bullies who have classified him as different and begun to verbally abuse him. Even the 'friend' he had made rejected him and doesn't talk to him anymore. My son, the most compassionate and caring person in the world, is isolated because of his disability. He wants to quit, he doesn't want to go to school anymore and doesn't want to face the bullies who have hurt him so much. And I couldn't help him…..couldn't protect him from this, even though I know the pain he feels and the hurt confusion as to why there are those who reject that which could be the best thing they've experienced – a compassionate friend.

All I could tell him is something that, at the time, seems so inadequate for his pain. "You are MY son. I love you. It doesn't matter what others say or do, you are my BELOVED son, with whom I am very proud." I told him I won't let him give up on himself by tucking his tail between his legs and whimpering out of the room. I told him, "You are MY son and are strong. You will walk out of that room (we are in the process of transferring him to a better suited environment for his learning, ironically) with your head held high and smile at your tormentors when you leave."

We prayed, that God would show my son the strength and love he has been given, that God would move in the bully's life and show him compassion and that the transfer we will be investigating today will happen quickly. And comfort returned, for the time, to my son's face and his heart. I had taken it upon my own.

Later, as I finished the email to his teachers, vice-principal and principal, I sat there weary. It will only get worse, I know, as the compulsion of the world to categorize and despise my son because of his cognitive impairment, to keep that compassionate and loving heart open…..wounded at it is prone to be….and his eyes on the prize to which he surrendered himself willingly to so many easters ago. With everything else that has happened; having to move to Canton, stay with family, and the burdens of financial problems that seem to never end….this.

I wish that I could find the parents of this bully, sit them down and slap some sense into them. As much as I can't take credit for my son's loving nature, he has learn some of the compassion and caring from me, just like the bully has learned to treat others that are different from him as a verbal punching bag from his. They are always watching, always drawing their clues on behavior accepted and unaccepted. Possibly, the parents would be surprised to hear their little boy is being cruel and would find reason to doubt that it is learned behavior…..as they shun a wheel chaired quad, shunt slanted eyes away from the Down's child or ridicule the handicapped grandmother. It doesn't make it any easier that physically, there is no sign of my son's situation….only when he speaks and other small behavioral things; the way he runs, his memory….

Added to that is the fact he is a Christian; not some run-of-the-mill, momentary attempt, but a living breathing and loving member of the body of Christ. Persecution is coming, even within the body, because of what he has been taught, what he believes.

Sometimes this race seems to stretch so long, so far and the rockiness of the path twists ankles, stubs toes and wounds the feet. Surely, under all this, it is okay to stop running, stop striving for that elusive prize (at those times so it seems) that lies forever over that last hilltop, that last mountain rise…surely the temptation to walk is understandable and acceptable. Surely it was never meant to be so hard.

As I was driving to work this morning, a memory bubbled up from my mind…..Father Ronald Corl. I met the Father when we lived in Detroit, on Hazelton that butts up to the entrance at the St. Paul Monastery where he had just become the Rector. The fence that surrounds the property now was put there in large part to us kids of the neighborhood who would play on the grounds, much to Brother Pat (the head groundskeeper)'s dismay and it was one day while we were playing that we crossed the path of Father Ron, who was just moving in to assume his new duties.

He taught me a love for reading, the walls of his room where covered with books and books…..He taught me acceptance and even was teaching me to be a catholic. I helped him with baptisms, weddings, and other Roman Catholic traditions. But, it was one day as we were running in Hines Park (another thing he taught me, and my older brother Larry) and it came to the point where Larry and I usually stopped, walking to cool down, and where Father Ron kept on running. That day, I didn't stop and kept on running….every muscle in my body wanted to stop, every fiber of my being cried out with the unaccustomed pain….but I refused to stop, I was mad that day…either at my brother or at Father Ron….I don't remember now….and I fed that anger into the pain…pushing my body harder….

It was years later that I would realize what Father Ron saw that day as he ran beside me……a determination to not quit…..that he said he prayed my faith would one day realize. I was told this as I was going into my senior year at Leesburg High. Father Ron and I lost touch when we moved from Hazelton and stayed in contact infrequently until I moved to Florida…..he had been transferred to Orlando some year prior. We met and that was when he told me that; it had stayed with him so many years that impression. He would die from cancer well before that prayer could be realized.

But it wasn't the impression that hit me today, it was that moment in time; as my body was screaming stop and my mind refused to listen….that plateau….where my body surrendered itself to the control of the mind and I pushed past that limit….one I thought I couldn't pass.

And God spoke as that memory arose….."Jim, my dear child….you are MY son…why do you want to give up, tuck your tail between your legs and whimper out of the church? You are so much more than the perception they have of you, you are MY son and beloved….if you go, you will go as My child, your head held high and a compassionate smile on your face for those who persecute you….those who reject you….those who refuse to believe that I have empowered you to speak My word."

The heart God has given me is prone to be hurt, leaving it out on my sleeve as I do fully exposed to the elements of the human condition of self-(whatever). There will be those who are intimidated by my heart…who are scared, jealous or spiteful because I chose to live in the assurance of the finish line. The temptation is and always will be to reach that limit, and to stop running, stop trying and stop hurting. If I surrender to it…if I don't refuse to allow its control, I will, as Chambers says "deify the lust" the temptation holds for the sake of self-protection, only to find that I have become exposed to the sin of selfishness. The road that leads down is self-fulfilling and deadly, for it will choke off the life that I seek to save.

As George relates in his devo, the Athenians in 490 B.C. defeated the Persians under King Darius 1 on the plains near Marathon. The runner, carrying the victorious news to the Greek people ran 26 miles full out, holding nothing back, and when he had delivered the good news, he died. There was times, as any marathon runner since can attest to, when the strength of your training, the preparation of your body and the level of your skill will be reached…..they will plateau. It is those who push through, who look at that plateau and press on, enduring through that limit to reach for the victory prize, that achieve new levels of strength, preparation and skill. We don't compete as the physical athletes do for a prize of trophies or medals, endorsement deals and wealth. We reach for the uncorruptible crown.

It is in that moment of plateauing, where we can't simply go on….the darkness is too deep, the pain to hard to endure and then end not in sight…..that God shows us the joy we have awaiting for us, the strength He's given us to endure and the peace to go the distance, any distance, full out with nothing reserved.

As George is fond of ending his devos with, "There is much work to be done!"

As my son struggles in this situation at school, with those who would bully and persecute him for his special needs, I can run along side him…..pushing him to overcome that plateau where he would give up and endure to reach the end of the race we both run. I can only do it, though, if I run with him….giving him my experience and love to push past it, to endure it and to be totally surrendered to the end.

As my Father in Heaven has taught me so well this past year……..whispering encouragement and love, demanding my best as He shows me I can reach beyond my imposed limits to reach new levels of faith, belief, love, understanding and compassion. He doesn't carry me, He runs alongside me……"I've run this race before, Jim, and I finished…..You are of My blood, you are of My spirit and you are My creation…..keep on…keep on"

As with my son, those who watch this drama with the bully take place will witness his strength, his compassion and his resolve to stand….maybe they will stand in their time too, maybe they will think twice about being a bully. Either way, he will stand.

As with me, my life stands as a testimony to God's grace, mercy and strength….His provision, His love and His desire for me. Maybe they will realize His love and be saved, maybe they will listen to the next Christian who comes to speak with them…..but they will hear.

As for me and my house, we will run the race fully until it is done with the news of the victory that Christ secured for us over our rightful punishment of sin.

Until we achieve the crown.

Joy...the fabric of hope, love and peace...deep in my heart

“So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” (John 16:22 NIV)

The kids are safely ensconced in their individual schools, Sara at Farrand and Casey at Central, and I have met with the Teacher Consultant regarding Casey’s IEP. It looks like Central will not be able to give him the support he needs for his cognitive impairment which means he’ll have to move over to Discovery. Life goes on, its struggles never far from mind and its demands never ceasing in my ear. Sorrows and heartaches beat in tune with my heart……the future doesn’t look bright, even without shades.

A friend of mine on Facebook, Kimberly Cash-Tate, writes a devotional “Colored in Christ” and the most recent was “I’ve got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy…..” She references the verse above and says this, “God didn’t give us joy just to feel giddy. It fortifies us. It helps us endure. Like Jesus, believers know that this life on earth isn’t all there is, no matter the trial. We’ve got an eternity set before us.”

I look at the life that I have lived so far upon this world and I, quite frankly, am amazed that I have survived so far…even still today…both life in general and the attempts that I made to try and exit out early. Sometimes, it isn’t amazement but a sullen sorrow that I have. Sometimes I wonder if God is playing some cosmic game where I am the pawn with the big old red target plastered on my back…..customized for everything possible that could go wrong, be difficult or painful. It is very natural for me to withdraw from the world, to protect me and my children from the difficulties that are presented to us and the ignorant attitudes that can be so viciously applied from those who seem to have no regard for the well-being of those they should. Others, brave enough to step into the chaos of the life that this part of the Hutson family lives, are disrupted and don’t seem to fare too well for too long because of the myriad of complexities and relational defects that plague my children and break my heart. They fall away into the annals of the past, sad reminders of what could have been and what is not.

Sometimes, stumbling around in this darkness that permeates the world…..not so much casting out the junk, that ‘stuff’ that God is working on, but moving it around so that, in my own broken, dysfunctional way I can move….for the sake of my children…I break further and feel more and more unable to overcome the major mountains of my life, straddled as they are with the Goliaths of my deepest fears. Even as I fall to my knees, overwhelmed with depression and heartbreak, as that anvil of living slams into me again and again to bury me in the dirt from whence I was formed…..I cannot escape that knowledge that God is good, merciful and graceful…..even in the depth of my despair, I cannot escape that fact that God is…..GOD.

At times like those, that knowledge haunts me….doesn’t give me peace….doesn’t give me strength…it hangs like that undesired diagnosis from the Doctor: incurable cancer, stage 4, and only months to live.

You can’t escape its complications, its connotations….God exists and isn’t going away, even if you move to that state down south of the everglades called Denial.
He is unmovable, unshakeable and totally undeniable……there is no way to ignore that pink elephant that sits in the corner of the room…..even denying His voice doesn’t do any good….in the middle of the tempest, battered back and forth by the mighty waves, pummeled by the merciless gale and listening to the stressed joints of your vessel straining to the point of sheering….you can’t deny Him.

That knowledge keeps you fighting against the gales of this life; struggling even as the ship fills to the bottom of the gunwales with icy cold, black water of the depths….even as the masts of your dreams come crashing upon the deck of harsh reality….even as your world is reduced to a small life raft bobbing on the vast open waters…..even when it seems all hope is gone…..it drives you beyond yourself and its hopelessness.

Some call it the unshakeable ‘human’ spirit….that essence of humanity that has driven us from the protoplasmic wiggly mess to grow legs, grow through the centuries’ march to that complex form that we currently inhabit as a ‘twenty-second century’ construct of mankind….or, to be PC, Humankind…

According to those, it is such ‘drive’ that has brought us through the dark ages and the industrial age into the technological age…..it is the driving force that causes us to invent, to question and to divine our place in this universe……That ‘human spirit’…..it is the reason why abortions continue to decimate entire populations and races, why abnormal and psychological/physiological behaviors continue to destroy the fabric that stitches the myriad of complex human personalities and cultures together and pulls apart the entire cohesiveness of the ‘societal’ makeup of the species called homo sapiens.

It’s ugly, broken and corrupted head was first reared in the Garden and it has been slowly killing itself ever since. It’s driving force isn’t ‘being’, ‘who am I’ and ‘why am I here,’ it is to create a way so that it can deny the truth, that we are created beings who corrupted ourselves through sin and are in need of salvation that only that Creator can effectively deliver to us. If we can only prove the illogical probability of our own ‘chance’ existence, we will have effectively proven the concept of a Creator is false and therefore our own corruption is a figurative thing, individually defined. We will be the unlikely, undesigned Masters of the Universe……and the source of our own destruction when such illogic becomes logical.

Some call it the ‘collective consciousness’, that massive cerebral mystical being….made up of all of us, mini-gods, self-aware, self-evolved and self-determining. It is what brought humanity from the oozing fields of prehistoric life into the upright forms today, highly intelligent and socially evolved. It is the “CC” that is driving humanity to the ‘next level’ of consciousness…..when we will become one with the cosmic and float among the stars in a mental/spiritual return to that protoplasmic organism of our creation……the ultimate circle of life; birth, life, evolution, expansion into the cosmic……never-ending and definitely non-fatal.

Those who fail to achieve the higher consciousness will simply be absorbed.

None of it answers everything….nothing explains its existence in the primordial ooze before words could be shaped to explain its concept. It is there, as if designed and grafted into our being, the fiber of our physical/mental/spiritual totality of our being collectively called human---which works independently and co-dependently together for a purpose designed by something other than ourselves. It drives us to supersede our ‘animalistic’ instincts for the sake of the other, to seek beyond ourselves and to care for the wounded, hurting and broken of our species…..beyond the ‘conscious human spirit’ that calls for survival of the fittest….

As if, in our design there was given a measure of this stuff…..that drives us to find more of it within ourselves, our world and those around us.

It isn’t love; unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another or the warm attachment, enthusiasm, devotion or affection for another……

It isn’t hope, for hope without it is nothing except a statement, a wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment that is absent of any life…..

It isn’t peace, for without it peace is nothing but a fragile individualized inner contentment or serenity that is unsustainable in the harsh light of day…….

It entices us into places we have been hurt before, if only to feel it’s temporary and brief warmth again for a short time…….

It dares us to love, to hope and to be peaceful in this midst of being in a self-serving, individual world that cuts us daily, wounds us weekly and demands everything from us............

It rallies against our ‘human spirit’, is indefinable by our ‘consciousness’ and defies our attempts to create it unreliant upon anything else that may cause its collapse. It exists where it shouldn’t, moves us into places we may not want to go and propels us to do more than we might be comfortable doing; for others and the society as a whole. And sometimes it is a deep river within the protected walls of our heart.

But, when we experience it…..it is an intense, ecstatic and exultant happiness that renews our hope, sweetens our love and brings peace in the chaos. It allows us to experience an undeniable reason to keep fighting, keep struggling and keep working towards its embrace again….laughing madly in the face of the tempest. When felt, it vibrates within the fibers of our being, physiologically and psychologically, as if we’ve touched upon that which we were designed to continually feel, to be in a state of each and every moment of our lives…..it makes us feel ALIVE

It’s name is Joy…………………

From the joy of our Father, we were created…..to live and to be in relationship with Him. From the joy of the Father and the Son, the sorrow of the Cross was endured…..for the joy that would be reborn from its sadness and corruption would bring humanity back into His arms, in relationship with Him.

From joy, we strive to live a ‘Christ-like’ life, forsaking our comfort; peace and measure for the sake of helping others find that joy….a sustained, living and breathing happiness that comes from an indefinable source….God. Even in the midst of our sorrows, it is the smile that comes to our face as we;

Hear the whispered words, “I love you”, from our children……………………………………….

Think of the beating heart of a unborn child that beats within a woman’s body.........................

Feel the tender embrace of another after the brutality of our peers……………………………..

Know we are truly, deeply and powerfully loved in measures we do not deserve…………….

It brings us to a group of fellow ‘like-minded’ fellow human beings, in various sizes and shapes, to lift our voices (and sometimes our hands) above the impoverished state of our world to raise high our thankfulness, hopefulness and happiness to a Father who loves us, a Son who died for us and a Spirit that struggles for us each day of our sorrowful lives.

It is what creates, breathes life into and endures the ability to struggle through the trials, tribulations and sorrows because of the knowledge of its existence in a God who created us, died for us and beckons us back to His arms. Who holds, for a little while, His righteous wrath so that His desire that none should perish but all know the happiness of eternal life.

It is that knowledge that, even as we live in sorrowful grief, that sustains the hope and belief that we will be back in those arms again…..as soon as we see the face that is it source and we know upon that day………..

Our Joy will never cease………

because our Savior has come back to make it complete.

I have joy, joy, joy, joy deep in my heart….deep in my heart….deep in my heart