“Joseph, a Levite and a Cypriot by birth, whom the apostles named Barnabas, which is translated Son of Encouragement, sold a field he owned, brought the money, and laid it at the apostles' feet.” [Act 4:36-37 HCSB]
Some people say to follow the fruit back to see what spiritual gifts you have been given by the Spirit to use for the sake of the Kingdom and the mission of all of those in the family of God. It is in the evidence of what has been done that what can be done is visible to expand upon and grow into an orchard of fruitful trees. They often use that in justification of the mega-church or multi-church phenomenon that has overtaken the Western Christian faith in the postmodern world.
We love successful things, tangible and concrete metrics to measure the effectiveness of our God’s investment in our lives. And it makes great business sense as well, which is the typical ‘structural’ integrity of our church system, whether it is fundamentalist Baptist, nondenominational bible-believing, missional Protestant or Roman Catholic. What chaos would ensue if we didn’t follow a successful model?
We want it in our leaders as well, that unblemished and unaltered image of success; pews or seating filled to capacity, a worship style that has them swaying in their seats and clapping out loud and a sermon that fits the needs of everyone without offending anyone. It’s a condition of the American dream; success. We don’t want those who aren’t successful by the standards set or at all to ever be in charge of something as important as the church we’ve worked so hard to establish. We fracture, angrily lash out or are heartbroken when one of the “leaders” of the universal church falls or goes off into unbiblical grounds.
We defend those who preach a gospel absent of total, absolute truth like Rob Bell and Joel Osteen "because its not hurting anyone" while crucifying those who have been isolated to the accountability of brothers and sisters around them to the point of falling into sin "because they've fallen from grace". We cheer and clap as those who have committed sin daringly stand in defiance of Scripture and proclaim themselves healed and yet keep underfoot those who openly struggle with worldly things……for they aren’t allowed to speak God’s word.
Makes me wonder if there are any Barnabas’ left in the postmodern Westernized Church of Christianity.
I know there are, because I have seen them. They aren’t the ones who grace the leadership team, spending 65% of the church’s budget to pay for their salaries and those of the rest of the team. They aren’t the ones who typically lead the ministries that are customized by the leadership to reach the ‘maximum’ people. They aren’t the ones who are visible in the church social functions or outreach events or tithing accountability.
They aren’t the ones who sit in the pews, nod at the appropriate times and dutifully clap when a worship song is done particularly well. They aren’t vocal in church dissension and don’t usually argue their cases before the authorities that be. They are silent, unassuming and dedicated to a cause that defies church walls and is unrealized by social circles.
They are the ones who are always there in the church, always doing something within its walls to encourage those who are in power positions to thrive, to do the job right that God has graced them to have and to make the mission of primary and utmost importance. They are the ones who never say no, even when they would rather take a break from volunteering and maybe be served for some time instead. They are the ones who step up when stepping up gives them nothing except a heartfelt thanks.
They are the ones who encourage those who are in better positions than they to keep on when the going gets rough and who impart the knowledge gained from their own failures for the sake of someone else’s triumphs. They very seldom sit down in a meeting or silent during discussions.
They wear their hearts on their sleeves and their lives on their shoulders. They take slights and insults, bear misery and denials and grudgingly give up on God inspired dreams when faced with opposition. They allow the lives they themselves would rather have to be lived through those who are in better positions to live them and yet they never say a word to anyone. They struggle in their weaknesses and acknowledge them for the benefits of others to avoid or draw comfort from them while encouraging those who struggle with things that aren't as bad (on the human scale).
Barnabas, the Encourager, was still active in the Lord’s work in 55 A.D., though we are not told what or where he is. Church tradition says that both Barnabas and John Mark “continued their missionary work and Barnabas became the first Bishop of Salamis, his native city, where he is said to have been martyred and secretly buried by his cousin Mark” (Meinardus 1973: 11; Acts of Barnabas). Barnabas was active in ministry in Rome, Alexandria in Egypt and Caesarea in Judea, according to The Recognitions of Clement (1994: 78-80; Zahn 1907: 459, footnote 2).
To the west of the ancient ruins of Salamis there is a Greek Orthodox monastery dedicated to Barnabas and a tomb in the surrounding area that is said to be his.
Dr. D. Edmond Hiebert notes this about this man, “Barnabas stands out as one of the choicest saints of the early Christian Church. He had a gracious personality, characterized by a generous disposition, and possessed a gift of insight concerning the spiritual potential of others. He excelled in building bridges of sympathy and understanding across the chasms of difference which divided individuals, classes, and [ethnic groups]. He lived apart from petty narrowness and suspicion and had a largeness of heart that enabled him to encourage those who failed and to succor the friendless and needy. He did have his faults and shortcomings, but those faults arose out of the very traits that made him such a kind and generous man – his ready sympathy for others’ feelings and his eagerness to think the best of everyone” (1992: 52).
Do you know someone in your church fellowship who is like that? Who stands firmly in the shadows of those who need or have to shine brighter for the sake of all those who stand in the darkness? Can you see the weaknesses that they have being a part of who they are valued as?
I know a few Barnabas’……
They don’t grace the stage on Sunday, power the glorious worship in the beginning or even drive the ministries in the Church walls or without. They are there, they are unseen mostly but always sought out when things need to be supported with prayer, with time/money tithing or even physically. They never quit even when they long to be encouraged.
They are our safety net in a world that would abuse us.
They are a reflection of God's desire for us.
And that is more valuable than any success we could have.
Showing posts with label blessings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blessings. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 4
Thursday, November 11
Veteran's Day
“All the believers kept meeting together, and they shared everything with each other. From time to time, they sold their property and other possessions and distributed the money to anyone who needed it. The believers had a single purpose and went to the temple every day. They were joyful and humble as they ate at each other's homes and shared their food.” Acts 2:44-47a (GW)
I don’t often attend Veteran Day ceremonies. I am not one of the veterans who have seen combat nor am I one of the many who stay in the services until they retired. My older brother, Larry, did retire from the military and is serving as a missionary in Germany with the Navigators. My younger brother saw combat and just reenlisted again.
It is days like today that I wish I had spent my time in and retired from it. It is days like today where I realize what is the very essence of community and who does it better than anyone else. The community of veterans; those who served in combat, those who trained for it, those who were stationed in ‘hot’ spots and those who spent their time stateside developing the tools of war….this community takes all who wear the uniform and honors them as brothers and sisters. Today is not just about the fallen, because in this community the fallen are never far from the thoughts of those still alive. Today is about the living, the combat-seasoned and the trained, coming together to have a nation that they served with their honor and with their sacrifices serve homage to them, patriots who tend the tree of freedom.
Today at Concordia University, I was honored to stand next to a WWII veteran, a Vietnam veteran, a Persian Gulf (combat) veteran, a Afghanistan veteran and a Iraq veteran. Most of them from the Navy, but a few Marines to round out the group. We talked about our experiences, whether combat or not, and the camaraderie that existed between us flowed not because of our openness but our understanding of the ‘experience of the uniform’ that we shared….not because we’ve known each other before but because we honor the fellowship of the American military member.
It doesn’t take a gathering like the beautiful ceremony offered by Concordia today for Veterans to nod and shake hands, nor does it take a day to be honored by those who are fellow citizens. All it takes is the knowledge of the membership that is conferred upon each and every military member the moment they take the pledge to serve and step from the world of the civilian into the world of the military. Once crossed, you don’t ever go back.
Oh, you grouse and complain…..you bicker and grunt under the load of the environment of being in the military…you struggle to live in two worlds, one shrouded by the protection gained from the other….you worry in the combat zones of your loved ones at home even as they worry about you in the combat zone…..you aren’t asked to sacrifice, because it was asked of you when you pledged to defend the Constitution, to go where your country sends you and to obey the lawful orders of those in leadership over you……it is expected that you will honor your pledge, and you do.
In the end of it, some serve quietly and silently reabsorb back into the world that continues on even as a new class of military men and women take the pledge to serve…..some come back, broken and bruised, having experienced the worse of combat. No matter where or how, the military member comes home changed, for better or worse and they will never be the same.
Today is the day where the citizens of this nation come together and recognize those who have ever donned the uniform of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force or Coast Guard…. Active duty or Guard or Reserve. Today the fellowship of the Uniform is recognized under the flag of freedom by those who live under its shadow. Today, today….this nation gives back a little bit of what it took for the service rendered under the green, the blue, the white and the grey.
Today, my fellow Americans, is VETERAN’S DAY!
Monday, November 1
The year
"As I saw the ship staggering and plunging among these roaring caverns, it seemed miraculous that she regained her balance, or preserved her buoyancy. Her yards would dip into the water; her bow was almost buried beneath the waves. Sometimes an impending surge appeared ready to overwhelm her, and nothing but a dexterous movement of the helm preserved her from the shock." Washington Irving, The Sketch-Book of Geoffrey Crayon.
I’ve tried for the last week or so to write this blog. For some reason, I get going on it and then look at what I’ve written and hit the delete button. I’ve done that often lately as I’ve tried to write for the blog…..if you are reading this and notice such things, my numbers have truly dropped off. It’s funny, with being unemployed for the last year, as of Nov 13th, you would think that I’d have all the time in the world to write and some people would say that’s all I’ve probably done instead of being hard-core job searching and willing to take anything to be employed again. As with salvation, the proof is in the fruit and there has been no fruit from the writing tree in months.
It has been quite a year.
I thought I had found a ministry partner and found out that ‘love’ is fleeting unless it is really true. I have watched two communities of believers react in different ways to the situation my family has struggled through in the last year since the call on the phone telling me that my job was no longer there. I have had friends struggle with the situation; not wanting to ‘enable’ me to be lazy but also not wanting to be cruel in their accountability of supporting me in the job search. I have experienced sorrow and joy, peace and discontentment and disillusionment with insight. And, it has (as in all journeys) brought me here. And, as in all things human and fragile, here is not where or what I thought I would be.
I love the sea. I think that it was part of my genetic makeup that went wildly out of control. My grandfather was a Navy vet of WWII. He had entered the service as an enlisted man and they commissioned him as soon as they discovered he was a Detroit Diesel Engineer. They put him in charge of a PT training squadron out of Florida. My grandmother said she would look out to the sea and see the squadron on maneuvers, knowing as soon as they turned into the canal that she could start dinner because he’d be home by the time she was finished with it. My father, a storekeeper, was in during the Korean war and served as a driver for the Director of Navy Intelligence in Japan. I served in the Navy myself as a Damage Controlman.
It has been a difficult year.
My image of myself; that core-ness of who I am took a devastating blow that November day last year. A shot amidships right at the magazine storage. And, despite my best attempts in the days that followed I slowly sank lower into the waves and took on water. No longer was I heading toward a destination but I was in a fight for my very survival. Far from land, far from assistance and well into the locker of Davey Jones……I truly gave up for a while. Oh, I floated up the dream of Seminary and finding the wealth of support that would get me and my family through the three years or four (max) that it would take to get my Masters of Divinity degree that would ‘legitimize’ my calling in the faces of those in charge of the human side of church. Or going back to school to get that degree that was the reason for my demise.
But in a world where my future was traded in the past for the moment of survival that I gained, such were only mere momentary measures that failed almost as soon as they were implemented. And, as each attempt was stripped away, the hardened ‘image’ of a visceral man who has survived for so long….even despite himself, was shaken and wiped away layer by layer. Soon, the young boy who had set sail so long ago in the passage of time was the only thing left.
Standing waist deep on the deck of the ship in the sea.
Love….a endeavor I was ill-equipped to undertake and a temptation that I thought was conquered that merely was forgotten in the dailiness of being upon the sea of this world. Community, that strange island passed on the port bow full of the rumors and tales of a strange people so outrageous that it had to be impossible. Future?, a mere moment-to-moment thing devoid of any grace or grandeur. Merely a teasing distraction to the water filling the cracks and crevasses of the hull, a temporary filling of the sails fallen to the deck and a fractional movement forward.
A boy standing on the water-filled deck facing the impossibility of overcoming the storm, alone, knowing that all that he thought was real was simply an illusion of his sinful and depraved mind.
Often, when we are faced with such complete and utter destruction, we beg whatever we have to and promise whatever we have to and grab whatever hand we see presented to get ourselves out of the situation at least for a moment so that we can breathe and ponder its immensity so that we can face what we have to do to never come to that place again. I know, because I have been here before and I have done the same thing.
Add to that the picture of the rest of the crew, incapable of doing the work themselves and relying on you to see them through……picking up on your fear and your isolation that causes them to pull away from you and cling to those who can give them peace in the troubling winds…… that moment comes when the house of cards that is you falls apart and scatters to the floor, trampled on in the urgency of the situation.
A boy standing on the water-filled deck up to his neck.
Not exactly the future I had envisioned staring out of the second story attic of the world of my childhood as the sounds of Johnny Horton extolling the tale of the Bismarck. Not exactly the man that I envisioned myself becoming in the glories and battles of the open sea.
There was no sudden ‘salvation’ on the horizon this year, no sudden insight that enabled me to bring about victory from defeat or a miracle born of ingenuity that would make you shake your head in the amazing simplicity of it. No, merely a little boy frightened beyond his days slapping at the waves that threat to overwhelm him and a deep-soul burden cry of disillusionment and fear shouted to the unseeing sky.
And in that moment of my despair, where I have realized that I cannot do what needs to be done by myself and the pride that once made my backbone so ramrod straight was imaginary and useless; then…….
We moved out of my family’s house that was stressing everyone and moved into a place of our own…….friends providing the funds to buy and renovate it.
We are settling into school and healing from the wounds we have caused each other in the dark of the storm………
And my faith, once that jewel that adorned my crown, has been discarded in the light of its uselessness……………………..
Even in the reality of being guided by the hand on the helm of my life, that God/Man that commands the seas to calm or rage, hasn’t shaken me as much as losing my faith.
It brings me back to the moment in time when I was strapped into a harness with a thin, two inch piece of rope wrapped around the metal mast of the ship and told to climb the 40 foot thin pole that was jokingly called a main mast to replace the top running light on the port side arm. With the sea tossing it in a two to three inch arc through the air. It took me a half an hour to do what the deck hands, the Bosun Mates, would’ve done in ten minutes.
Fear caused my limbs to freeze, the nearness of danger my heart to race and the impossible heights that I was called to go making me wish to be someplace else……..
That moment, each and every step I took or movement I made, where I overcame the fear, danger and uncomfortableness to reach the next rung, the next jump of the rope or to reach over dependent only upon the support I had judged inadequate……..that moment I am reliving today.
That moment in-between the flight of dreams and the reality of gravity……and the realization that you’ve reached it.
God is passing by and my eyes fear to look up, even if it is only to see His back…………
God has given me a bucket and the sheer foolishness of bailing the entirety of the ocean with a five quart bucket makes me want to cry……….
But I bail because I have nothing left but the reality of who God is and the promise that He has made to me and you………even in the neck-deep water that has washed over our gunwales………..
Whether the ship slips beneath the cold waves and disappears from the air of this world……..or some miraculous salvation comes over the horizon……..
I bail….
Because from the helm comes the chant of promise, the declaration of love and the eternal future……..
“I know the plans I have for you…..plans to prosper you and not to harm you………”
“Plans to give you a future and a hope….”
So, even as I bail the depth of my depravity and sinful temptations that have sunk me so low into the world……..
Even as I struggle to fellowship with the community of God and have those who are so inclined to walk alongside the truth in my life…..
My belief in God grows stronger even as my faith weakens…..and my heart sings……
"Make music to praise the LORD, you faithful people who belong to him. Remember his holiness by giving thanks. His anger lasts only a moment. His favor lasts a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but there is a song of joy in the morning." Psalm 30:4-5 GW
Monday, September 14
Trusting blindly so that I may see......
“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10
A brother in Christ sent this verse to me…..it was part of his morning devo and he just felt led by God to send it to me for encouragement as I come up against a deadline for a need…..a ‘necessary’ cog in the wheel that keeps my family rolling on through this journey home…..that comes due on Tuesday..and no clue how the provision will be made for its resolution……but I am sure, even if this cog has to be temporarily done without that our God will move in ways that I scarce imagine…either moving others within the body to intervene in the need, as He has in the past or to make a way to garner the necessary components to give me the ability to address it myself.
Either way, the surpassing greatness of our God will be evident in the working out of this situation.
It impacted me…….this short, three-verse section of the second letter to the Corinthians from our dear apostle Paul…..in ways the Spirit had yet to show me as I left work on Friday and headed home.
My struggles and trials aren’t without purpose, unless I refuse to learn from them. It doesn’t mean once the lesson is learned that the struggles will cease, but that as we build upon the lessons learned, the struggles consume less of our time and mind in bearing through them as we should. We stop listening to the weakeness of our flesh and begin to use the unsurpassed great power that God imparts to us….in these corrupted bodies through the treasure of a new heart fine-tuned to God’s. Joy becomes our song, peace our drum beat and grace our daily measure…….
“Simplicity is the secret to seeing things clearly.” Oswald Chambers writes in My Utmost For His Highest. “A saint does not think clearly for a long while, but a saint ought to see clearly without any difficulty. You cannot think a spiritual muddle clear, you have to obey it clear……the reasoning capability comes afterwards, but we never see along that line, we see like children; when we try and be wise we see nothing.” (Matthew 11:25)
God calls us not to blind obedience, but to obedience born from the realization of His faithfulness and glory when we are yet still blind……because our flesh wants to see the realm we journey through and not the spiritual world we live in or the home we journey towards. We fight against our old nature because of the corruption of this world but we transform our obedience with the indwelling of the Spirit…the hope lived in a broken world.
I may fall come tomorrow night as the cog that is ‘necessary’ to my family’s journeying is stopped by the need I have, but God never will.
And I may not be able to see why, in the foggy mist of the future, this has happened without intervention but I am trusting, because of the love and the promises that God has already given and caused fruition in my life that this is within His grasp to control and therefore He is calling me to step blindly into that future, seeking His voice and His presence there.
Ginny Owens says it best in her song, If You Want Me To………
“The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear…..And I don't know the reason why You brought me here. But just because You love me the way that You do, I'm gonna walk through the valley……If You want me to……Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step. And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet. So if all of these trials bring me closer to you, then I will walk through the fire……….if You want me to…..It may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world that's not my home. But You never said it would be easy……You only said I'd never go alone…… So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself. And I can't hear You answer my cries for help, I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through and I will go through the valley……. if You want me to…..Cause when I cross over Jordan, I’m gonna sing I’m gonna shout. I’m going to look into Your eyes and see You never let me down…..So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You. And I will walk through the valley…if You want me to. Yes, I will walk through the valley if You want me to.”
My life speaks of falling without permanence and failure without loss of hope. Blindly I will step into the mist of the future, trusting God to be there where I can’t yet see and having made provision for me already within the plans He has set in motion through, around and in my life.
Simply trusting in my Father’s love to see me home……
A brother in Christ sent this verse to me…..it was part of his morning devo and he just felt led by God to send it to me for encouragement as I come up against a deadline for a need…..a ‘necessary’ cog in the wheel that keeps my family rolling on through this journey home…..that comes due on Tuesday..and no clue how the provision will be made for its resolution……but I am sure, even if this cog has to be temporarily done without that our God will move in ways that I scarce imagine…either moving others within the body to intervene in the need, as He has in the past or to make a way to garner the necessary components to give me the ability to address it myself.
Either way, the surpassing greatness of our God will be evident in the working out of this situation.
It impacted me…….this short, three-verse section of the second letter to the Corinthians from our dear apostle Paul…..in ways the Spirit had yet to show me as I left work on Friday and headed home.
My struggles and trials aren’t without purpose, unless I refuse to learn from them. It doesn’t mean once the lesson is learned that the struggles will cease, but that as we build upon the lessons learned, the struggles consume less of our time and mind in bearing through them as we should. We stop listening to the weakeness of our flesh and begin to use the unsurpassed great power that God imparts to us….in these corrupted bodies through the treasure of a new heart fine-tuned to God’s. Joy becomes our song, peace our drum beat and grace our daily measure…….
“Simplicity is the secret to seeing things clearly.” Oswald Chambers writes in My Utmost For His Highest. “A saint does not think clearly for a long while, but a saint ought to see clearly without any difficulty. You cannot think a spiritual muddle clear, you have to obey it clear……the reasoning capability comes afterwards, but we never see along that line, we see like children; when we try and be wise we see nothing.” (Matthew 11:25)
God calls us not to blind obedience, but to obedience born from the realization of His faithfulness and glory when we are yet still blind……because our flesh wants to see the realm we journey through and not the spiritual world we live in or the home we journey towards. We fight against our old nature because of the corruption of this world but we transform our obedience with the indwelling of the Spirit…the hope lived in a broken world.
I may fall come tomorrow night as the cog that is ‘necessary’ to my family’s journeying is stopped by the need I have, but God never will.
And I may not be able to see why, in the foggy mist of the future, this has happened without intervention but I am trusting, because of the love and the promises that God has already given and caused fruition in my life that this is within His grasp to control and therefore He is calling me to step blindly into that future, seeking His voice and His presence there.
Ginny Owens says it best in her song, If You Want Me To………
“The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear…..And I don't know the reason why You brought me here. But just because You love me the way that You do, I'm gonna walk through the valley……If You want me to……Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step. And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet. So if all of these trials bring me closer to you, then I will walk through the fire……….if You want me to…..It may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world that's not my home. But You never said it would be easy……You only said I'd never go alone…… So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself. And I can't hear You answer my cries for help, I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through and I will go through the valley……. if You want me to…..Cause when I cross over Jordan, I’m gonna sing I’m gonna shout. I’m going to look into Your eyes and see You never let me down…..So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You. And I will walk through the valley…if You want me to. Yes, I will walk through the valley if You want me to.”
My life speaks of falling without permanence and failure without loss of hope. Blindly I will step into the mist of the future, trusting God to be there where I can’t yet see and having made provision for me already within the plans He has set in motion through, around and in my life.
Simply trusting in my Father’s love to see me home……
Sunday, August 23
Tranquility….is not a sea on the moon
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV)
There are those, in the interests of healing and training those who follow, that will remove the heartfelt responses of this journey from the discussion of their story for this very reason…the heart, the human corrupted heart, is deceitful above all else and its reasoning for being so is well beyond the understanding of man. Dealing, they decide, with the emotional and beating pain of the heart is beyond where God would have us go, far beyond what we could understand and therefore something to be cut out and removed from our Christian walk. Love becomes a hardened, lifeless shell in the context of our humanity, for love is the very thing we cannot abide in….it is simply too painful.
And we develop a mechanism to prevent the heart from feeling, a switch as one friend put it today, where we think with the logic of our minds rather than the feeling within our heart. And it is that switch that throws us into alienation from God; the God of love, the God of grace, the God of mercy and the God of our creation. And, in that disconnection, we find that logic will not survive and the benefit of tranquility becomes the thing we most fear.
I speak from experience, but I speak it in faith because my heartfelt cry isn't, "Lord, Lord come….." but "Dear Father, help my unbelief….in what I believe."
I came away from the meeting today with my brothers, those men who refuse to let go of this heart and refuse to accept the logic of my argument that I cannot be worthy of what God entices me to be because I am disrupted, and far from the realization of what logically a life surrendered to Christ would or should be. They called out to that heart today….and its sorrow lay heavy upon the ground between us, its pain disturbing the peaceful tranquility of the gathering. When I tried to switch from the emotional disruption of my heart, they called me back……
And, in the midst of the disturbance of that movement, they glimpsed the beating wounded heart and sang of its worthiness to feel, to live and to experience the tranquility of God's peace in the disorder of chaos that logic brings. God doesn't call us to a 'measure of a man' that lies within the logic of society's demandiness….a wealth of possessions, finances and relationships devoid of feeling and disturbed eddies of our living in the broken world of this place…..but of a nourishing, illogical movement of love within a heart reborn…..a replacement heart, born in love and moved by compassion, unselfish movement and a power that is not orderly in its use but alive in justifiable use through unselfish living 'to bless.'
The world operates upon the value of logic; if we don't buy things, then others cannot buy things with the money that comes from our 'consumer confidence'. If we do not allow the government to support the needs of the uninsured, we are being calloused and uncaring. If we trust in God, we will not vote according to our beliefs and values, but put those aside under the title of "God will what God wills." Tolerance is not living our faith, but refusing its voice in the lives around us.
The church, in its missional duty to reach out to the world, has been corrupted by that very logic: if you are saved, instant and definable change takes place. If you continue to feel pain, it is because you do not love logically as Christ loved, loves or will love. There is a formula for corporate worship, a logic in counting the numbers to define the worthiness and effectiveness of a ministry. If, logically, you are not attracting the numbers, you are doing something wrong. There is a way to heal anyone, no matter the wound and there is a step by step process by which true growth within the family of God can be discerned. It doesn't require relationship, only training, and in that logic lies the death of the church that Christ entrusted to His disciples and them to those who followed on down through the ages to you and I today. Instead of a God who is both logical and illogical, emotional and unemotional; loving and unloving……we have constructed a god definable by the self-serving logic of our humanity. And doomed the sheep to which we are all called on a personal level to shepherd into being shepherds themselves.
Our belief becomes a coat of many colors and as interchangeable as the clothes we don in the morning.
We become a logical people who live in the chaos of a fallen, broken world dysfunctional…..and fearful of the tranquility that exists in a one on one relationship with God as lived in the relational state with other believers.
I don't speak of a logical assumption based on my experience, but to that heart that beats within me….changed by God….that I have been silently starving in the logical justification of my experience and judgmental attitude towards myself. I'm scared of tranquility because I don't know how to live with it when my experience tells me that I will only know the chaos of being unworldly in this life. If I do not let the beloved son bleed, I cannot feel and I can rationalize my unbelief away in the shadow of my belief. Logically I can assume that there is no growth, and therefore no real conversion, because of the lack of worldly stability in my life. And, as one friend said in a previous blog, I challenge the will of God in the face of my own unwillingness to be peaceful in the storm. I try and fix that which I've destroyed by the logic of my unbelief and am challenged by my faith and experience to believe in a God who is unbelievably emotional in His enticement.
I can speak with the dismayed logic of Peter in the face of Christ's emotional statement of the flock scattering, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will." And even when Christ specifically pointed out Peter's logical betrayal, Peter still replied with the logic of his masculinity and pride, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." But, in the silence of this world's movement against its Savior Peter was faced with his self-protecting logic and fulfilled the prophesy of Christ….denying Him three times. And in the failure of his logic, he realized the painful wound it had created in his heart, withdrawing to weep bitterly in the face of its realization.
When Jesus appears to His disciples after the Resurrection, upon the shores of Galilee where Peter had retreated with the logical conclusion that he was unworthy to be the 'rock upon which I will build My church', again Christ used His heart to speak against the logic of Peter's choice…."Simon, son of John, do you truly love me?" Three times, the exact number of times Peter's logical denial scourged the heart of Christ, Christ asked him to show that love by feeding His sheep…..and Peter had nothing to say except the logical response of "You know I love you" until the wall was breached and the emotional longing of his heart was exposed……to which he cried out with heartbreaking feeling, "Lord, you know above all things; you know that I love you."
Maybe I'm not making sense today as I try and write about what I learned today, in the silence that I attributed to God's abandonment in this season ending portion of my life, where everything that I had built slowly implodes into the unknown. I have less than a week to pack and be moved, again into a place that is so much less than logically I should provide as a man…..disrupted and battered about by the storms of my life, created and not created by my own hand or the hands of others……..rowing against the tide of my own destruction because illogically that slim hope remains that God is real, that God is worthy and that God stands at the helm of this battered vessel and guides me into the fury of the storm.
In the fury of my logic, God steers me to the storm of its creation to face the illogical emotion of my heart…..to fight the logic that this time, this final time, He will not come to my aid for I have proven myself logically not worth saving with the emotional cry of my heart to be loved, to be valued and to be rescued from the chaos of my making.
In the logic of my crisis of belief where I am broken by the realization that I cannot expect more than the chaos that my life is, God sits…..
Answering my emotional and wounded cry of a heart born to feel the depth and grace of His illogical love with the thing I most logically fear……
Tranquility in the arms of the Father who created me, who calls me and who has plans for me that I was born to do…..
Being the Image Bearer of a complete God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob…….
Who weeps for His people and desires our hearts, hearts reborn through the blood of Christ.
"Worship the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest Commandment. And the second is like it; Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40 (NIV)
An illogic, complete love born outside the logic of our own realization, realized in the illogical service of emotional relationship with others against the logic of our minds.
Monday, August 17
Prayer
It all depends on what you can do and how much you are willing to compromise to make the situation work. Here is the mobile home that I can afford to live in so that I can move closer to my family so that I can keep my job and yet have help with the kids…….
Sometimes the provisions that God has for us don't look like what we imagine. Pray that I can be accepted by the mobile home park that has the one I can afford….and that we can make the move soon.
Thursday, June 4
Greater are they who are with me than those who stand against me...
"And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do? And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. And Elisha prayed, and said, LORD, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the LORD opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha." (2 Kings 6:15-17 KJV)
The journey this last few weeks has been an exciting time of hearing God entice me to go beyond where I've carved out a foxhole and actually enter into the 'dead man zone' to engage the enemy alongside Him. He's shown me that He's equipped me; the shield, sword, helmet, boots, and breastplate and endowed me with the spiritual conditioning to handle the chaotic and fluid environment of the battlefield. He's there, having called me to engage in life at its messiest for the sake of His glory. Stepping out of that foxhole Saturday was full of the expectation I'd be bowled over by the proverbial bullet....................
But the field of battle is still raging around me as I look to God and wipe the sweat from my brow, grateful that He is indeed alongside me......as He said He would be.......
Monday it was about the love the Father has for me, the beloved son and the man he was meant to become. That song, "To Make You Feel My Love" by Garth Brooks, a secular song used to convey a greater sense of God's love for me....over and over again on the hour trip home.......
Tuesday it was about endurance, living for Him even in the brokenness and stress of this world. The song, "I Just Can't Give Up" by MaryMary, encouraging me to travel up that next mountain, with the vision of Christ standing on the other side, His arms ready to catch me and provide me nourishment for the next mountain, that next valley.
I played softball with the church league that night.....we came from behind to within two of the winning team's score...and the coach was encouraging us that we're getting better, working as a team. As my son and I travelled back home, God used that example to again reinforce His invitation to join Him where He is working around me for the glory of the Kingdom. "You're getting better, you're starting to work with Me. I'm so proud of you!"
Wednesday, on the way home from work God kept bringing the event from the second book of Kings with Elisha and his servant to my mind, saying...."Do you want your eyes opened so that you can see the provision I have made for you?" I had woke up Wednesday morning much like that servant...running around (in my mind) and recalling all the things I had to worry about; the finances, the vehicle, the family and the relationships in my life.
God stopped me with that image of the host surrounding the prophet, who could see them, and the servant who (until Eisha prayed for sight) could not. Would I be the servant who was panicing or the prophet who saw clearly the provisions made in the reality of the enemy's approach? I asked for sight and spent the rest of the trip home content....singing at the top of my voice the praises of my King.....hey, I was alone in my own vehicle...though I'm sure many of the other drivers questioned my sanity....
My son, upon my arrival home, ran up to the mailbox and grabbed the mail. In typical fashion, he divided the mail as he's seen me do so many times and said, "Here, Dad, these are for you."
One was a small letter envelope and the other a full-sized yellow padded envelope, both from brothers in the ministry I am a member, as well as a participant, in..... I looked at my son and said, "Let us see God's provision for us. If it's a letter of support and edification...that will carry us through. If it's another provision, then we are doubly blessed." I opened the smaller, from the brother I spoke with on Monday for a time about everything happening. The check would cover some of the deficit and I looked to my son and said, "God has provided for us, bubba. We are truly blessed." I felt contentment, for if this was truly the provision made then surely the remainder would be worked out in His plan also.
My son, who always wants to know the interesting things his dad gets in the mail, asked me what the other envelope, from one of my mentors in the ministry was. I told him I didn't know, but whatever it was would be of benefit for us whether it was a simple letter or a magazine/article/book that would bring us closer to God and help us weather the storm. I opened it up and reached inside, pulling out a couple of denomination bills. Blessed again, I thought, as I dropped it back in and gathered my things to head inside the house to feed both of us before the bible study that night at church.
With the way things were, I figured we'd best make a quick run up to the bank to deposit the check and whatever else had come in. I went into the living room and flipped the envelope over....a pile of twenties fell out on the end table. I was stunned. As I finished counting the bills, tears flowed down my face...my God indeed had answered all the needs....
We went out and got the car alignment done and the money deposited in the bank. The rent is covered, the necessary repairs to the car, covered. And I can regain that confidence that I move into a purpose that God has set aside for me and calls me too. Again, as He is able God called me to join Him in the work He is doing around me, trusting in Him to provide and to give me strength to continue.
It is not an army of Heavenly Host gathered around me in strong numbers, it is my brothers.....who call me to be what God has shaped me to be.....and will not leave a man behind.
And they that be with me are greater than those that stand against me.
"For our God is an awesome God. He reigns from Heaven above, with wisdom power and love....OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The journey this last few weeks has been an exciting time of hearing God entice me to go beyond where I've carved out a foxhole and actually enter into the 'dead man zone' to engage the enemy alongside Him. He's shown me that He's equipped me; the shield, sword, helmet, boots, and breastplate and endowed me with the spiritual conditioning to handle the chaotic and fluid environment of the battlefield. He's there, having called me to engage in life at its messiest for the sake of His glory. Stepping out of that foxhole Saturday was full of the expectation I'd be bowled over by the proverbial bullet....................
But the field of battle is still raging around me as I look to God and wipe the sweat from my brow, grateful that He is indeed alongside me......as He said He would be.......
Monday it was about the love the Father has for me, the beloved son and the man he was meant to become. That song, "To Make You Feel My Love" by Garth Brooks, a secular song used to convey a greater sense of God's love for me....over and over again on the hour trip home.......
Tuesday it was about endurance, living for Him even in the brokenness and stress of this world. The song, "I Just Can't Give Up" by MaryMary, encouraging me to travel up that next mountain, with the vision of Christ standing on the other side, His arms ready to catch me and provide me nourishment for the next mountain, that next valley.
I played softball with the church league that night.....we came from behind to within two of the winning team's score...and the coach was encouraging us that we're getting better, working as a team. As my son and I travelled back home, God used that example to again reinforce His invitation to join Him where He is working around me for the glory of the Kingdom. "You're getting better, you're starting to work with Me. I'm so proud of you!"
Wednesday, on the way home from work God kept bringing the event from the second book of Kings with Elisha and his servant to my mind, saying...."Do you want your eyes opened so that you can see the provision I have made for you?" I had woke up Wednesday morning much like that servant...running around (in my mind) and recalling all the things I had to worry about; the finances, the vehicle, the family and the relationships in my life.
God stopped me with that image of the host surrounding the prophet, who could see them, and the servant who (until Eisha prayed for sight) could not. Would I be the servant who was panicing or the prophet who saw clearly the provisions made in the reality of the enemy's approach? I asked for sight and spent the rest of the trip home content....singing at the top of my voice the praises of my King.....hey, I was alone in my own vehicle...though I'm sure many of the other drivers questioned my sanity....
My son, upon my arrival home, ran up to the mailbox and grabbed the mail. In typical fashion, he divided the mail as he's seen me do so many times and said, "Here, Dad, these are for you."
One was a small letter envelope and the other a full-sized yellow padded envelope, both from brothers in the ministry I am a member, as well as a participant, in..... I looked at my son and said, "Let us see God's provision for us. If it's a letter of support and edification...that will carry us through. If it's another provision, then we are doubly blessed." I opened the smaller, from the brother I spoke with on Monday for a time about everything happening. The check would cover some of the deficit and I looked to my son and said, "God has provided for us, bubba. We are truly blessed." I felt contentment, for if this was truly the provision made then surely the remainder would be worked out in His plan also.
My son, who always wants to know the interesting things his dad gets in the mail, asked me what the other envelope, from one of my mentors in the ministry was. I told him I didn't know, but whatever it was would be of benefit for us whether it was a simple letter or a magazine/article/book that would bring us closer to God and help us weather the storm. I opened it up and reached inside, pulling out a couple of denomination bills. Blessed again, I thought, as I dropped it back in and gathered my things to head inside the house to feed both of us before the bible study that night at church.
With the way things were, I figured we'd best make a quick run up to the bank to deposit the check and whatever else had come in. I went into the living room and flipped the envelope over....a pile of twenties fell out on the end table. I was stunned. As I finished counting the bills, tears flowed down my face...my God indeed had answered all the needs....
We went out and got the car alignment done and the money deposited in the bank. The rent is covered, the necessary repairs to the car, covered. And I can regain that confidence that I move into a purpose that God has set aside for me and calls me too. Again, as He is able God called me to join Him in the work He is doing around me, trusting in Him to provide and to give me strength to continue.
It is not an army of Heavenly Host gathered around me in strong numbers, it is my brothers.....who call me to be what God has shaped me to be.....and will not leave a man behind.
And they that be with me are greater than those that stand against me.
"For our God is an awesome God. He reigns from Heaven above, with wisdom power and love....OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wednesday, May 6
God's love and facing the giant
"The LORD your God wins victory after victory and is always with you. He celebrates and sings because of you, and he will refresh your life with his love." The LORD has promised: Your sorrow has ended, and you can celebrate." (Zephaniah 3:17-18 CEV)
The giant that I face, that relational wound that has been exacerbated and deepened by those both within the Body of Christ and without, is staring at me with hunger in its beady little eyes; so many cower in fearful trembling behind me, others who have had at least some 'success' with relations (with their wives, husbands, children, friends, co-workers, etc.). The ones who should be shoving themselves aside in an effort to get to this giant first. Armed with only a sling and a few handy stones that I've gathered from the valley floor, I approach this giant of mine; custom-made you might say by the one who used to know me so very well in the dark days of my life before God impacted me. I don't want to be hear, let alone dare think that I, simply a un-victorious man, can knock this big guy down….permanently. I don't move because I want to see what will come, but because the very existence of this giant is an abomination to the God I am called to serve; it stands in the way of fulfilling the purpose to which I was called.
But the one everything that has always failed me, that has made me live a life as a ghost; weightless and without substance, lies within the muscular arms of this big, big giant and gleams from the eyes of his unibrow forehead. Self-contempt, unworthiness to be valued, and foolish of daring to dream. I face this giant to get by him, in one way, but in another to stand for what I know is right; God is a relational being and He wants me. That realization, in and of itself, is equally as impactful to cause my legs to give out beneath me and bring me to my knees. The God, I AM, delights in me to the degree of a favored son. He loves to rejoice in me, as I struggle to my feet and face life with Him by my side. He calls me to ministry, surely. But not just a ministry to teach, to empower, and to testify but also a ministry to show that love, that empowering strength, and humility that comes from a fully-realized unworthiness to partake of such love. To show that, to live that, and to be that.
There is no victory I alone can obtain here upon this dusty and dark valley floor; I simply have not enough true strength to do it, nor do I truly think that I can conform my mind past the very real realization that this is going to hurt and hurt deeply. On my own, I am simply a shepherd boy with a simple toy weapon foolish enough in his own folly to face the end of his life in foolish expectation. But, the measure of this man; far from wealth, strength, and stature lies simply in my heart; a heart given fully in the pursuit of this God who loves me so much.
Within this verse, I find encouragement and comfort; the gentle whispering of a Mighty and Powerful God who can surely smote this giant like a fly, erasing the fear and trembling that he causes and the depth of pure fright that embraces every fiber of my being, calling me to speak in His Truth and in His defense to this burden and wound that has shaped every relationship that I have tried within this journey of my life and failed at; He whispers victory after victory throughout His word and the lives of the saints that have traveled before me. "This I can do," He whispers to my soul, "But, for My glory and for the sake of you my child, I shall empower you to find victory over this foe in the fullness of time. Until then, stand." It doesn't overwhelm my fear but empowers my feet to move because my Savior is in me; supporting my failing limbs and guiding the stone to the cup of the sling; rotating my arm in ever increasing arcs, the whir of the weapon so simple and lightweight in my hand piercing the air like a siren.
"Immanuel", God with us, is far mightier than this giant and far more concerned with the state of His children to a degree greater than any human capability. Jehovah, in the midst of my sorrows, is sufficient security, full of unspeakable joy, and providential in His presence. This Almighty God, mighty to save, came to the earth as a man and became a 'man of God's right hand' being fully God and fully human, empowered through the will of His Father, my Father, to be my strength and savior. He can deliver me in ways I would never imagine He would even want to so that I may be saved, to the utmost degree that only He can; beyond all human logic and reasoning.
A Savior, in the fullness of His Father's design, came to earth not to 'do His best' to complete His Father's will but to deliver His people from the hands of their enemies, support and live the Truth as His Father set forth, and leave as He overcame death's grip a Mighty Counselor to assist His people in every service or duty that He has empowered them to render to those who are lost, seeking them out in the darkness of their sinfulness and bring them under counsel and covenant to the fullness of that purchased salvation as it will be applied freely, fully and without end. There are many victories that I have experienced in the fullness of my journey; otherwise to be standing here, lips parched and legs securely locked in a supporting stance would simply be impossible against the sinfulness of this giant and the knowledge of his master.
And he rejoices in me; a sinner who was saved, a man who struggles against the wounds of his past and forsakes a worldly comfort for the satisfaction of standing unevenly and with inner trembling before his giants. Christ, who is the begotten Son of the Most High, rejoices in me….and is joyful of my weakness, happy of my failures that bring me closer to His love which is manifested in the rest and peace that no earthly power can overcome, change or separate me from. I stand before my giant not because of some ill-conceived glory seeking thought or an assurance that I will indeed triumph over this unsightly and ungodly authority. No, I stand because of love…..a love that delights, entices, and empowers me to believe in my unbelief; to reach for hands unseen and a hope secured.
He sings because of His love for me; a joyful and delighted voice that echoes in the halls of Heaven from the throne. He rejoices in my victories and expresses strength to stand again after my failures. He sings a song of the chosen, redeemed, and those to whom He has called to clothe them with His righteousness and grace. It is "his love of complacency and delight," John Gill writes, "which is the source of all the grace and glory He bestows upon them."
Some brethren accuse me of seeking the glory of my trials in the eye-gawking 'victim' mentality, others accuse me of self-glory seeking. I have been called, they say, to work where and when the Church authorizes you to and in the capacity we've discerned is appropriate for the level of 'santicification' which we perceive evident in your life; barely there, but none the less there. Keep keeping the faith, they say, for God will give to us a heart of wisdom regarding your path. Just wait like the rest of us, content to let this giant bluster about foolishly. As the giant of all of our lives stand before the vast and mighty army of the Most High, they preach caution and Kumbaya love….discussing the 'rewards' offered for facing this giant with longing and yet fearful, too fearful, to take it on. A mighty army brought to a halt because they are afraid; the world, after all, is bigger than they…..and it's ugly. Can't they hear the singing, the joyful proclamation of His love and the call, the enticement to join Him in the battle?
Maybe their pride of a life achieved, illusionary in its rewards and its comfort, that they don't want to risk it all to stand in front of their giants and rather hide behind the armor of their King sounding like a chorus of jingle bells ……fear, self-doubt, and the sheerness of the size of those giants keeping them frozen in place. Maybe they think that there is no victory here, standing in front of this giant of theirs insulting their King, their Church, and themselves; veteran warriors of the battles of old…… They wonder what a small boy, who stinks of sheep and long labor, can do with just a sling and some stones. They can't see the victories already gained, the triumphs already spoken in the land of their countrymen, and sung by their King.
They whisper the words of the enemy, championing the cause of his kingdom and disillusioning the authority of their countrymen to stand boldly and without fear before the giants in their own lives. They mock the love and righteousness of their King.
Others stand, facing their own giants whose shadows darken the landscape of their lives and taunt them with intimate knowledge of their failures and weaknesses….and they shout encouragement, their words echoing the song of love that comforts my heart, their edification finally coming to deafen ears; You have a heart for God, you have victory through Him and are able to stand through His strength, for His time, in a love that knows no circumstance, no situation, or no place where it cannot go, where it cannot abide, and where it cannot give you comfort and peace.
"Never give up," these shepherds say, "Never surrender but to the King!"
Surely the aches of the failures; the bloodied knees, scrapped elbows, and wounded hearts they share and know of its victorious defeat of my peace from its bleeding. They've shared that journey, in parts and ways unique to them, but surely they know of my inadequacies to be here before this giant….surely they know I'm a failure even at shepherding….a flock unattended by me to follow through with my father's wish to provide bread to his favored sons……some of whom don't even want its warm and nourishing substance. Me, I'm just a simple shepherd, dirty from the toil of isolated work and the sorrows of isolation. Surely if I was a mighty warrior as they are, some adorned in the fitted armor of the King and others in the various stages of becoming as their brethren…….I'd be the same; either adorned in armor or visible in the process of its formation on my powerful frame rather than dressed in stinking, filthy woolen cloth that scratches the sensitive sores of an life lived in the wilds….instead of the mighty swords they swing with confidence and finesse, I've a simple sling…..and pebble stones gathered from the ground as my 'fearful weapon'.
Who am I, that they would include me in their number? What do they see, beyond the simplistic adornments of a shepherd boy, that burdens their hearts to cry out in the midst of their own lives, their own burdens, and their own struggles to me? Who do they look at when they stare at my face, cratered with the sorrows and tracked with the tears of pain? What causes them to speak of leading, of mighty deeds already done, and victories yet to unfold?
The shadow of my giant looms over me where I stand, darkness falling in the middle of the day as his enormous size blots the sun from my sky. He laughs at me, calling me by my name…foreboding echoing in the acidity of his words as he promises yet another failure…yet another sorrow….and a whole lotta pain……. He laughs at my foolishness, "Am I a dog that you would send a stick before ME?????" in a booming voice that drowns out even the sweet and tender mercies of that joyful song I've been listening to……..the swinging sling slows, the weight of the situation crushing down upon me as surely this giant's immense sword will cleave me in two much like a toothpick…. As surely as if it was the deepest of winters, even the sun's warmth has disappeared into the darkness that is my despair, bringing cold pain to the aches of battles long ago, of sorrows once forgotten, and of wounds healed and unhealed that chafe the surface of my exposed heart.
The illogic of my heart, at war with my broken, logical mind, has brought me to this place, to this battlefield dotted with the giants of so many…..my mind has ceased screaming at the illogical hope that my heart increases its grip upon in this wintry landscape. An ember of the flame, the heat of its power and warmth attended to by a heart ravaged as if it is its source of beating, despite the desire of the mind to stop…to run into the depth of the deepest ocean and be done with it. The heart beats on and as long as it beats, the ember remains.
It is this ember, this 'mustard seed' of faith that I drop into the stilled cup of the sling at my side. It is with without assurance of victory, without hope of 'overcoming' that I look up at the giant in the distance and calculate the time to cover its broad field…and begin to run……kind of skipping, actually, as the giant begins to walk towards me, shaking the very soil of the desert floor beneath is feet……..my sling gaining speed with each step, I can do no less than to cast my faith into the face of my fear and hope for a victorious blow so that I can once again here that loving song of a joyful Savior and the echoing love of the Most High……..
"Your great victory will be seen by every nation and king; the LORD will even give you a new name." (Isaiah 62:2 CEV)
I am James, a jewel in the eyes of my Father God, Authentic in my faith, Mighty in my weakness, Encouraging in my testimony, and having a Story to tell……..with a heart like David's, seeking after my God and a life burdened for the souls yet sung of by Christ; a kinsman to the Begotten Son of the Most High, I AM. ……that is my new name. A name given to me by a Father who knew and loved me before I was born enough to send my Kinsman, Jesus Christ, down to take my place for the punishment of my sins.
I am James, son of Ronald L.; brother to Larry J., Stacy L. and Robin A.; father to Casey L. and Sara E.; brother in Christ to those in whom the Lord is well pleased! With a lineage and family like that, how can I not do anything else than to struggle on towards the hope assured and the promise eternal?
I can only trust in the Lord's love and worship the honor of its embrace……knowing that:
"The LORD is pleased only with those who worship him and trust his love." (Psalms 147:11 CEV)
The giant that I face, that relational wound that has been exacerbated and deepened by those both within the Body of Christ and without, is staring at me with hunger in its beady little eyes; so many cower in fearful trembling behind me, others who have had at least some 'success' with relations (with their wives, husbands, children, friends, co-workers, etc.). The ones who should be shoving themselves aside in an effort to get to this giant first. Armed with only a sling and a few handy stones that I've gathered from the valley floor, I approach this giant of mine; custom-made you might say by the one who used to know me so very well in the dark days of my life before God impacted me. I don't want to be hear, let alone dare think that I, simply a un-victorious man, can knock this big guy down….permanently. I don't move because I want to see what will come, but because the very existence of this giant is an abomination to the God I am called to serve; it stands in the way of fulfilling the purpose to which I was called.
But the one everything that has always failed me, that has made me live a life as a ghost; weightless and without substance, lies within the muscular arms of this big, big giant and gleams from the eyes of his unibrow forehead. Self-contempt, unworthiness to be valued, and foolish of daring to dream. I face this giant to get by him, in one way, but in another to stand for what I know is right; God is a relational being and He wants me. That realization, in and of itself, is equally as impactful to cause my legs to give out beneath me and bring me to my knees. The God, I AM, delights in me to the degree of a favored son. He loves to rejoice in me, as I struggle to my feet and face life with Him by my side. He calls me to ministry, surely. But not just a ministry to teach, to empower, and to testify but also a ministry to show that love, that empowering strength, and humility that comes from a fully-realized unworthiness to partake of such love. To show that, to live that, and to be that.
There is no victory I alone can obtain here upon this dusty and dark valley floor; I simply have not enough true strength to do it, nor do I truly think that I can conform my mind past the very real realization that this is going to hurt and hurt deeply. On my own, I am simply a shepherd boy with a simple toy weapon foolish enough in his own folly to face the end of his life in foolish expectation. But, the measure of this man; far from wealth, strength, and stature lies simply in my heart; a heart given fully in the pursuit of this God who loves me so much.
Within this verse, I find encouragement and comfort; the gentle whispering of a Mighty and Powerful God who can surely smote this giant like a fly, erasing the fear and trembling that he causes and the depth of pure fright that embraces every fiber of my being, calling me to speak in His Truth and in His defense to this burden and wound that has shaped every relationship that I have tried within this journey of my life and failed at; He whispers victory after victory throughout His word and the lives of the saints that have traveled before me. "This I can do," He whispers to my soul, "But, for My glory and for the sake of you my child, I shall empower you to find victory over this foe in the fullness of time. Until then, stand." It doesn't overwhelm my fear but empowers my feet to move because my Savior is in me; supporting my failing limbs and guiding the stone to the cup of the sling; rotating my arm in ever increasing arcs, the whir of the weapon so simple and lightweight in my hand piercing the air like a siren.
"Immanuel", God with us, is far mightier than this giant and far more concerned with the state of His children to a degree greater than any human capability. Jehovah, in the midst of my sorrows, is sufficient security, full of unspeakable joy, and providential in His presence. This Almighty God, mighty to save, came to the earth as a man and became a 'man of God's right hand' being fully God and fully human, empowered through the will of His Father, my Father, to be my strength and savior. He can deliver me in ways I would never imagine He would even want to so that I may be saved, to the utmost degree that only He can; beyond all human logic and reasoning.
A Savior, in the fullness of His Father's design, came to earth not to 'do His best' to complete His Father's will but to deliver His people from the hands of their enemies, support and live the Truth as His Father set forth, and leave as He overcame death's grip a Mighty Counselor to assist His people in every service or duty that He has empowered them to render to those who are lost, seeking them out in the darkness of their sinfulness and bring them under counsel and covenant to the fullness of that purchased salvation as it will be applied freely, fully and without end. There are many victories that I have experienced in the fullness of my journey; otherwise to be standing here, lips parched and legs securely locked in a supporting stance would simply be impossible against the sinfulness of this giant and the knowledge of his master.
And he rejoices in me; a sinner who was saved, a man who struggles against the wounds of his past and forsakes a worldly comfort for the satisfaction of standing unevenly and with inner trembling before his giants. Christ, who is the begotten Son of the Most High, rejoices in me….and is joyful of my weakness, happy of my failures that bring me closer to His love which is manifested in the rest and peace that no earthly power can overcome, change or separate me from. I stand before my giant not because of some ill-conceived glory seeking thought or an assurance that I will indeed triumph over this unsightly and ungodly authority. No, I stand because of love…..a love that delights, entices, and empowers me to believe in my unbelief; to reach for hands unseen and a hope secured.
He sings because of His love for me; a joyful and delighted voice that echoes in the halls of Heaven from the throne. He rejoices in my victories and expresses strength to stand again after my failures. He sings a song of the chosen, redeemed, and those to whom He has called to clothe them with His righteousness and grace. It is "his love of complacency and delight," John Gill writes, "which is the source of all the grace and glory He bestows upon them."
Some brethren accuse me of seeking the glory of my trials in the eye-gawking 'victim' mentality, others accuse me of self-glory seeking. I have been called, they say, to work where and when the Church authorizes you to and in the capacity we've discerned is appropriate for the level of 'santicification' which we perceive evident in your life; barely there, but none the less there. Keep keeping the faith, they say, for God will give to us a heart of wisdom regarding your path. Just wait like the rest of us, content to let this giant bluster about foolishly. As the giant of all of our lives stand before the vast and mighty army of the Most High, they preach caution and Kumbaya love….discussing the 'rewards' offered for facing this giant with longing and yet fearful, too fearful, to take it on. A mighty army brought to a halt because they are afraid; the world, after all, is bigger than they…..and it's ugly. Can't they hear the singing, the joyful proclamation of His love and the call, the enticement to join Him in the battle?
Maybe their pride of a life achieved, illusionary in its rewards and its comfort, that they don't want to risk it all to stand in front of their giants and rather hide behind the armor of their King sounding like a chorus of jingle bells ……fear, self-doubt, and the sheerness of the size of those giants keeping them frozen in place. Maybe they think that there is no victory here, standing in front of this giant of theirs insulting their King, their Church, and themselves; veteran warriors of the battles of old…… They wonder what a small boy, who stinks of sheep and long labor, can do with just a sling and some stones. They can't see the victories already gained, the triumphs already spoken in the land of their countrymen, and sung by their King.
They whisper the words of the enemy, championing the cause of his kingdom and disillusioning the authority of their countrymen to stand boldly and without fear before the giants in their own lives. They mock the love and righteousness of their King.
Others stand, facing their own giants whose shadows darken the landscape of their lives and taunt them with intimate knowledge of their failures and weaknesses….and they shout encouragement, their words echoing the song of love that comforts my heart, their edification finally coming to deafen ears; You have a heart for God, you have victory through Him and are able to stand through His strength, for His time, in a love that knows no circumstance, no situation, or no place where it cannot go, where it cannot abide, and where it cannot give you comfort and peace.
"Never give up," these shepherds say, "Never surrender but to the King!"
Surely the aches of the failures; the bloodied knees, scrapped elbows, and wounded hearts they share and know of its victorious defeat of my peace from its bleeding. They've shared that journey, in parts and ways unique to them, but surely they know of my inadequacies to be here before this giant….surely they know I'm a failure even at shepherding….a flock unattended by me to follow through with my father's wish to provide bread to his favored sons……some of whom don't even want its warm and nourishing substance. Me, I'm just a simple shepherd, dirty from the toil of isolated work and the sorrows of isolation. Surely if I was a mighty warrior as they are, some adorned in the fitted armor of the King and others in the various stages of becoming as their brethren…….I'd be the same; either adorned in armor or visible in the process of its formation on my powerful frame rather than dressed in stinking, filthy woolen cloth that scratches the sensitive sores of an life lived in the wilds….instead of the mighty swords they swing with confidence and finesse, I've a simple sling…..and pebble stones gathered from the ground as my 'fearful weapon'.
Who am I, that they would include me in their number? What do they see, beyond the simplistic adornments of a shepherd boy, that burdens their hearts to cry out in the midst of their own lives, their own burdens, and their own struggles to me? Who do they look at when they stare at my face, cratered with the sorrows and tracked with the tears of pain? What causes them to speak of leading, of mighty deeds already done, and victories yet to unfold?
The shadow of my giant looms over me where I stand, darkness falling in the middle of the day as his enormous size blots the sun from my sky. He laughs at me, calling me by my name…foreboding echoing in the acidity of his words as he promises yet another failure…yet another sorrow….and a whole lotta pain……. He laughs at my foolishness, "Am I a dog that you would send a stick before ME?????" in a booming voice that drowns out even the sweet and tender mercies of that joyful song I've been listening to……..the swinging sling slows, the weight of the situation crushing down upon me as surely this giant's immense sword will cleave me in two much like a toothpick…. As surely as if it was the deepest of winters, even the sun's warmth has disappeared into the darkness that is my despair, bringing cold pain to the aches of battles long ago, of sorrows once forgotten, and of wounds healed and unhealed that chafe the surface of my exposed heart.
The illogic of my heart, at war with my broken, logical mind, has brought me to this place, to this battlefield dotted with the giants of so many…..my mind has ceased screaming at the illogical hope that my heart increases its grip upon in this wintry landscape. An ember of the flame, the heat of its power and warmth attended to by a heart ravaged as if it is its source of beating, despite the desire of the mind to stop…to run into the depth of the deepest ocean and be done with it. The heart beats on and as long as it beats, the ember remains.
It is this ember, this 'mustard seed' of faith that I drop into the stilled cup of the sling at my side. It is with without assurance of victory, without hope of 'overcoming' that I look up at the giant in the distance and calculate the time to cover its broad field…and begin to run……kind of skipping, actually, as the giant begins to walk towards me, shaking the very soil of the desert floor beneath is feet……..my sling gaining speed with each step, I can do no less than to cast my faith into the face of my fear and hope for a victorious blow so that I can once again here that loving song of a joyful Savior and the echoing love of the Most High……..
"Your great victory will be seen by every nation and king; the LORD will even give you a new name." (Isaiah 62:2 CEV)
I am James, a jewel in the eyes of my Father God, Authentic in my faith, Mighty in my weakness, Encouraging in my testimony, and having a Story to tell……..with a heart like David's, seeking after my God and a life burdened for the souls yet sung of by Christ; a kinsman to the Begotten Son of the Most High, I AM. ……that is my new name. A name given to me by a Father who knew and loved me before I was born enough to send my Kinsman, Jesus Christ, down to take my place for the punishment of my sins.
I am James, son of Ronald L.; brother to Larry J., Stacy L. and Robin A.; father to Casey L. and Sara E.; brother in Christ to those in whom the Lord is well pleased! With a lineage and family like that, how can I not do anything else than to struggle on towards the hope assured and the promise eternal?
I can only trust in the Lord's love and worship the honor of its embrace……knowing that:
"The LORD is pleased only with those who worship him and trust his love." (Psalms 147:11 CEV)
Wednesday, April 22
The 12th year......
"My son, let them not vanish from your sight; Keep sound wisdom and discretion......Do not let them depart from your sight; Keep them in the midst of your heart." (Proverbs 3:21; 4:21 NASB)
Twelve years ago, after a frantic and hurried race across town (as opposed to driving in the opposite direction to the closer hospital ---I plead temporary insanity) and the doctor telling me that the planceta was separating from the uterus wall and the baby was in trouble.....at 10:06 am, by emergency c-section, Casey Lawrence Hutson entered into this world and took what too many unfortunate children are unable to do in today's society...a breath.
I was told that I couldn't be in the operating room, due to the emergency, and was on the phone with my sister when the nurse came up and told me that he had come into the world, in a fashion that would be a characteristic he has grafted into his personality, in spectacular fashion at 6lbs, 11 ounces and 16 inches long.....at what the doc said was the 'edge of viability'.
I can remember looking at him in the incubator, waiting transport to the hospital I should've headed to (again....I plead temporary panic), I promised him everything I had, would have, and could get for him. My life ended that day as I gazed down at this bundle of crying, full head of hair baby boy and I promised to make his life so much fuller than mine ever was; not knowing that he would bring something beyond what I could ever give back to him.....
I can remember for the first month of his born life; getting up at 3am and on the road by 3:30, at the hospital's NICU by 4:00am (dressed and gowned) to spend an hour with him. I can remember the sadness of looking at the children who were smaller than my palm as I turned to sit down at the incubator of the biggest premie in the room and counting silently those who didn't make the journey long in this world who's incubators were empty.....
I can remember taking him home with a apnea monitor, running back and forth to the docs when the darn thing went off at all hours, the recommendation for physical therapy and premie 'assistance' so that he could 'catch up' and helping him walk....a tiny hand gripped tightly around my pinky finger, which was being pulled from its socket as he gathered steam.....the diagnosis that he was cognitively-impaired....the rejection of a speech theraptist who said he was too 'stupid' to learn to speak and my reply, issued in a low growl "You aren't good enough to teach my son."
The rushing home after recieving a call he was at the hospital because he was outside and fell, right into the trailer hitch, and again when I was told that he was left in a car by his grandpa and did what anybody else would do, put the car into drive and knock a mobile home off it's foundations....becoming the only kid in the country with an accident on his record before he could even drive.....(not really).
The struggles with school, the struggles with my ex regarding his care, and the best day of my life since his birth and the following birth of his sister.......the day when custody of both of them were given to me. And the reason that I walked back into the church and realized God's call.....for him and his sister......
We have had our share of struggles; self-imposed, imposed by others, and dealing with life as life comes. We have had our own sorrows, hurts we have caused each other intentionally and unintentionally.....life is not the image I held when I gazed down at that boy so long ago.
Easter Sunday, 3 years ago, he joined the family of God.....and the adventures God has taken us on since then have been harrowing, scary, and blessed.......
No one will ever say that he is anything but a joy to be near, loving and caring of those around him and always faithful. He has endured so much, been ridiculed and mistreated because of his special need as much as he has been blessed with gifted teachers, caring teachers, and exceptional friends.
As I look back over the last twelve years, I am amazed that --with all the mistakes I've made, the consequences of decisions made by me and by others, and the passing of life in a broken world--- a twelve year old young man walked into the ktichen today, looked up at me with those beautiful and caring eyes and wrapped his arms around (as much as he could) my waist....and said, "Do you know what today is?"
I wish I could say that I said something profound and scholarly about the angels singing and heaven rejoicing....but no.....I said, "Frankfurter day at school?" In a look that has become part of his impressive facial library, he said...."Nooooooo...." I relented and wrapped him in my arms.....and spoke the words of my heart.....
"Today, you become a young man.....and continue to be a blessing to this old man."
To the community of Godly men that stand in pursuit of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, I present to you someone who is transitioning from boyhood to young manhood, from childish things to adventures and battles and glory for his Lord and King......
As a father, I ask that you..this community of godly men...take this new man into that community and take him into the next phrase of this journey home. Each of us men are uniquely gifted to mentor the new men growing into fatherhood, to teach godly principles through fresh and different eyes...I ask that you step up to the task and show him true godly masculinity, reinforced by the multitude that you are.
As a man, I am proud of who he is becoming even as my arms strain against letting go and my heart longs for the simplier times of cradling him in my arms. But, I know that God has taken my dedicating this young man at my word and calls him out into the purpose to which God set aside before he even graced me with a smile as I was told his mother was pregnant.
The greatest thing that I have ever heard from this young man's mouth still send the shiver of wonder and joy down my spine when I hear it......"Dad, I love you."
The greatest thing that I can ever say to you as I present the newest member of the community of manhood.............
"Gentlemen, here is MY son, with whom I am well pleased!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I give you a blessing from God, community of men, and I give you a treasure of my heart. I hope that, if you have a chance to have an godly impact upon this young man's life or to cross his path in the journey home, that you will see what a wonderful man he is becoming....and will impact him as a man in the community of godly masculinity can do.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)