Simply following....

“Until I get there, concentrate on reading Scripture in worship, giving encouraging messages, and teaching people. Don't neglect the gift which you received through prophecy when the spiritual leaders placed their hands on you to ordain you. Practice these things. Devote your life to them so that everyone can see your progress. Focus on your life and your teaching. Continue to do what I've told you. If you do this, you will save yourself and those who hear you.” (1 Timothy 4:13-16 GW)

One of my favorite songs is a relatively new one by the band Newsboys called “Stay strong”. It speaks of the journey I embarked upon that day back in May of 2008 when I left my ex, who’s journey was going in the opposite direction from mine. Since that time, I’ve faced eviction, alienation, condemnation, and my God on a level that I’d aspired to but feared none the less. Darkness cannot hide in the light of the One and neither can the sinful nature of man. It seems, the closer I get to God in relationship, the more disruptive and catastrophic my life has become. At times, I’ve wondered about my ability to be a child of God, of changing the sinful broken nature I have in my old self. I have been brought to the places where I’ve realized the truthfulness of that; I cannot change who I am….I can only grow in the realization of what was given that day in February 2004; a new man.

“You’re in the moment now when all you’ve been blessed with is not enough. Here’s where the ground gets loose. Here’s where the devils call your bluff.” There have been times in the last eight months that I’ve been so abundantly blessed both by friends known and other in the brethren of Christ who I have not had the honor of knowing as well. Two cars, financial support to move into a place, hands and feet searching in prayer for the blessings of the Lord to come upon me and the assurance that the Body ‘has my back’. Unquestioningly and with powerful effect.

But the crisis’s kept coming, kept falling into my life as if there was a vendetta against me; as if the devil, knowing he’s lost another, would rob the purpose to which God has called me and the effects of such purpose.

Pastor Jim Combs, of The River of Faith church, told us of a story. One John Eglin, a Methodist Elder, walked through sixteen feet (more or less) of snow one wintery Sunday to his church, predicting that there wouldn’t be many of the congregation there. True to his prediction, only twelve parishioners showed up…not even the Pastor came that day. In addition to the regulars was one thirteen year old visitor.

Eglin gave the sermon, speaking of everything that he knew of God and His grace….speaking for all of about ten minutes.

Charles Spurgeon said that it was at that service that he realized the love of Christ and accepted the offer of salvation. Spurgeon, one of the greatest theologians of the 19th century, started his journey one wintery Sunday because an Elder judged it important enough to trudge six miles to church for service.

I have found that pursuing God’s purpose for my life; spoken in the massive worship hall at Willow Creek Community Church so many years ago, is nothing more than the melting of faith, hope, love, joy, compassion, and redemption together by the fire of God’s Holy Spirit and cannot be recognized upon the achievements and accolades of man, but rather is given up as a burnt offering to God far from the light of day…secretly and in confidence.

As the Newsboys’ song goes, “Get up, there’s further to go. Get up, there’s more to be done. Get up, the witness is sure. Get up, this race can be won.”

We can be what we are redeemed to be. But, thhere is the wisdom of the devil, who knows well my faults and my weaknesses and how to draw my eyes away from the prize, that eternal hope manifested in a life lived for purpose, lived for God’s glory and nothing more.

We will never be fully what we were intended to be here, redeemed and restored, until Jesus comes again. Our lot is to keep going forward, keep growing closer to God in this life; for the eternal future we're promised.

I heard a pastor once say that we can make ourselves unfit for service to God; unsuitable for our purpose to which God set His hand to far before we were born. In those cases, this pastor said, God has a backup….someone else to send in your stead.

I wonder if that is true. God surely intended the pastor of that Methodist church to preach the word as he had every Sunday for however long he was there. Or did He?
Would Spurgeon have listened and understood the love of the Father in the hour long sermon the pastor probably would’ve given?

In the past few months, God has brought me to the razor edge of the cliff as if beckoning me to surrender to fate and jump, into the waiting darkness that waited at the bottom of that impossibly high mountain top. I’ve come to experience the sensation of being at that pivot point, between the safety of being able to pull back and the inevitable surrender to gravity. It has been that frightening, that troubling to my faith.

Each time that pivot point seemed to stretch longer and longer into impossible eternity…..and each time, I surrendered to what I believed was ‘fate’, the pull of gravity into the headlong fall into oblivion. I never hit the ground, but felt the grasping and sure hands of the Father saying, “Trust.”

Blake Crawford, a BIC from Naples Florida, who belongs to a group “Men Mentoring Men” on Facebook, posted a topic, Thinking Theologically, and quotes from Finding God by Dr. Larry Crabb:

"Theology becomes rich only when it survives the onslaught of pain. And sound theology leads us through our pain to the fuller experience of Christ, and therefore of hope and love and joy. The gripping message of the Bible will never be fully heard in a library. “Dr. Crabb states, “In order to catch the pulse of Scripture and hear the heartbeat of God, we must be actively grappling with the overwhelming reality of what life is like outside the Garden of Eden. If we numb our souls to the ongoing struggles with sin and disappointment that fallen people living in a fallen world experience, then our time in the Bible will yield puffy knowledge rather than liberating truth."

In the fiery heat of the trials I’ve faced; with my finances, with my children, and with my ex….there has been a steady, if not jerky, advancement in God’s designed purpose for me. Theologically, my faith is stronger and more refined. In the tempest of the storm, I have found realized reliance upon God…not for my purpose, but for His.

It is why I don’t believe that God puts a ‘pinch hitter’ in the place of the one He’s purposed to the call, nor that we can (if we truly cry out, ‘Lord, send me!’) thwart His plan. He is a patient God, loving and vengeful at both times, and knows His children to a degree more than the enemy can ever realize. He will wait, and He will poke us into fulfilling our commitment.

It may take years, or a matter of months, but He will prevail.

As I progress from the relatively easy forgiveness and redemption with my ex-wife into the more harrowing journey with my brother, I find it easier to look at to where God is leading me to go than worrying about my own involvement over its accomplishment.

The complex has become simple, the simple has become common. And I am far from being the scholar like Spurgeon, Crabb, or a host of others. I have a long way to go yet, but I feel the pressing tick of the clock against those who have yet to realize the love of the Father and the Son.

Though I fear, I walk with an eagerness that would’ve immobilized me less than a year ago. Though I worry about the outcome, I know that I will jump…..and trust my God all the way to the bottom, if need be.

For that too would serve God's purpose...

Focused on my life and my purpose, I struggle to bring it into mirrorship of God's Son.

Brought into the harsh light of redeeming grace.

How can we be compassionate in a broken world?

Can we be a people who form compassionate convictions about God, people and life which gives us categories to listen/direct people to places other than relief when they talk to us about 'undeserved' suffering? Is there something we can believe in very deeply that allows us to freely move in the direction God is moving in as we listen to the disappointments and tragedies of another man's story? In the midst of real hurt, is it possible to really get excited about something bigger that God is doing?

Job was a moral and blessed man, but full of human-born fear. He was blameless, without consistent sin in his life, practicing good deeds, and shunned evil. He had good relationships, possessions in abundance, and was afflicted with no real pain; either health-wise or spiritual.

Yet he feared for his children, sacrificing for them on a daily basis and operated under the assumption that God’s kindness coupled with his moral carefulness would not cause him to lose his blessings.

God has a development plan for His children, one borne of suffering beyond our human endurance, to cause us to question our very faith, which relies upon the assumption of the unverifiable, the illogical, and the absence of provable reliance.

Satan’s agenda, challenging our belief that God’s promise that He loves us, is used by God to bring us into stronger belief in those things; in essence God uses the evilness of the fallen one to bring about His desire for us to know Him.

This is where the prosperity, emergent, and work doctrines fall into the false assumptions, placing human understanding and characteristics upon a God that is beyond our feeble and corrupt human comprehension and will in fact perform the opposite of the desired effect; such doctrines deny us the ability to grow in the furnace of suffering to greater understanding of who God is and what purpose to which His agenda is served in such brutality.

It is not wrong for us to want to end suffering, to bring about peace and joy within the corruption of the world, until it becomes our mission; to reduce suffering by bringing about blessings through servicing the needs abundant around us.

In the absence of blessings, we too often turn away from God’s agenda for humanity and ourselves individually. Life is unpredictable, simply because we try and control it as far as we humanly can and it refuses to cooperate, being under the temporary authority of the fallen one.

It is when we reach the vision of how God sees us that we can walk into the world of suffering and tribulation with joy and loving mercy, and the outer influences of the broken world cannot reclaim our hearts. Thus, the agenda of Satan is thwarted and the furtherance of the Kingdom is promoted.

“…for he nearly died for the work of Christ, risking his life to complete what was lacking in your service to me.” (Philippians 2:30 ESV)

Epaphroditus, who had fallen deathly sick during his time with Paul, was grieved when his brethren learned of it. Not because it seemed that he was weak, rather because of service for Christ, Epaphroditus had recklessly hazard his life for that service….not caring for his own welfare but placing the welfare of another above his own.

Such early Christians were known as ‘parabolani’, or reckless people.

It is in such service, as parabolani, that Christians can find such compassionate convictions regarding God, people and life that causes them to reflect upon the larger agenda of God within ‘undeserved’ suffering. It is within the ‘sphere of mystery’, as discussed by Dr. Larry Crabb, that we truly find movement towards that agenda despite unpredictable and unharnessable order because we rely solely upon God to guide us into the midst of the storm, trusting that if the ship sinks that it is because of God’s best plan for us even as we disappear beneath the waves.

We lash ourselves to the solidness of God’s promises and laugh in the face of the unpredictable chaos of an unforgiving world.

In such recklessness, we cease trying to explain undeserved and indescribable pain that haunts our journey as we walk closer to God. We stop trying to ‘grasp’ control to never be hurt again, by people or circumstances, and become uncaring of the ‘damage’ that happens to our hearts as we are buffeted by the harsh waves of a world increasingly violent.

And, in the movement into unexplainable and undeserved suffering, we truly realize God’s promised rest; the rest gained in salvation for the journey in this life, and the eternal rest that awaits us in the heavenly realm of our home.

As Parabolani, we rejoice in suffering –albeit a weaker suffering than Christ was visited upon by the rejection of this world. Christ suffered….to the point of death, not so He could fulfill His own agenda but rather that He would fulfill the agenda of His Father, to be a perfect sacrifice therefore eliminating the penalty for sin that condemned all of mankind.

Through our ‘eager’ suffering, however it manifests itself in this world, we promote the welfare of another and become the means by which the Holy Spirit can affect true repentance and salvation for the lost, which we once were and for which Christ died upon a Cross of wood and iron.

Adam Clarke reflects in his works that “The humiliation and exaltation of Christ are subjects which we cannot contemplate too frequently, and in which we cannot be too deeply instructed.

Our faith is about humility, and humility is ‘the effect of the action of God, circumstances, other people, ourselves, or of any and all of these on our lives.” It is freedom from pride, and is despicable in the world of control, management, and self-service. In the humility of our faith, we find ourselves reliant upon God’s favor, not our own understanding.

Christ’s humility and passion were a vital component of His sacrifice upon the Cross, otherwise it would not have been necessary and another way would have been affected in the plan of God’s redemption of His children.

Without our own process of humility, by which we cast ourselves upon the righteousness of our sinful condemnation, punishable by death, we oppose God’s agenda and rely upon ourselves for freedom from that justified punishment; pride and self-confidence which are the cornerstone of humanistic religion. God destroys such notions with the requirement of the opposite extremes; humility and self-denial.

As Christians, called to bring understanding of God’s hidden agenda to those who truly seek it, we must understand this theology of suffering that Christ exposed us to in His ministry upon this earth.

If we consider that Christ’s suffering and death were sufficient in the eyes of God as payment in full for the punishment of man’s failure to trust and rest in God’s purpose, we can contemplate the unlimited power, glory, and authority of Christ and God in the undeserved and undesired suffering to which we are called to experience in true joy and expectation.

Through this realization of ‘joyful suffering’, we develop the inner spiritual eyes to see ourselves as God sees us; redeemed and restored.

Then sin has no lasting claim upon our human flesh.

We realize that by the authority of God, we are cleansed and made perfect, and walk within a manner that Christ walked as He spoke to a world that did not hear Him.

Then we no longer give voice to the human desire for the reduction of such suffering and an increase in blessings as we define them.

We become true lights in a world darkened by man’s desire for such things and give not an answer to suffering deserved and undeserved, but give release that is eternal, because the suffering one is experiencing becomes something both unexplained and yet understood.

It is then that we become a walking testimony, for we lack the prideful boast of our own wisdom and prudence and shun such labels as ‘wise’ or ‘esteemed’ men. We face reproach and persecution with the eagerness of fulfilling God’s agenda for such causes and embrace such labels as ‘fool’ and “unworthy’ because we are called such for the sake of Christ.

“We are made to seem foolish for Christ, but you are wise in Christ; we are feeble, but you are strong; you have glory, but we have shame. Even to this hour we are without food, drink, and clothing, we are given blows and have no certain resting-place; And with our hands we do the hardest work: when they give us curses we give blessings, when we undergo punishment we take it quietly; When evil things are said about us we give gentle answers: we are made as the unclean things of the world, as that for which no one has any use, even till now.” (1 Corinthians 4:10-13 BBE)

We stop looking at our brethren and those still lost within the Body, or outside the body, that may suffer less (though not in their own estimations) than we do. We stop trying to control through our actions and words the agendas of others that come within our sphere of life; seeking only to show constancy and patience that confounds and entices others to seek out what we have found.

We rejoice in the ‘poverty’ of our possessions, finances, or persons and understand with proper prospective the contempt of others for what our faith is. We stop promoting our own agenda, that of relief of suffering and the promotion of blessings either for ourselves or others, and rest upon the understanding of God’s authority and wisdom for those we once held so close.

And in the midst of suffering, in our own eyes, at the level of Job; where we would be blameless, upright, abhorrent of sin, and fearful of God; we find God revelation of Himself to us.

A God who is much larger than we can humanly realize, who is more powerful than we can ever emulate, and who has no reason or responsibility to explain Himself to us.
It is then, as Christians leaders, that we realize the fullness of God through the denial of ourselves in service to others, despite the agendas to which we are exposed.

We can then answer the question that should haunt the minds of the elders as they hear the stories of others;

“What is God up to in this person’s life that led God to allow this painful cruelty to happen with or without His intervention?”

We no longer offer theological excuses for the undeserved or understood suffering of those we face with compassionate relationship, but offer instead the promotion of understanding God’s ulterior motive.

We seek not our own agendas or become entrapped in the agenda of another as we hear the pain in the story told. We become excited by the opportunity presented to guide our fellow brethren into the deeper understanding of God through the representation of Christ’s ministry.

We seek in those circumstances not to be as The Corinthians were presenting themselves….wise, strong, and giants amongst men but rather seek the glory of foolishness, weakness, and shame for the sake of Christ.

To suffer those things to which we are allotted in our journey for the greater benefit of representing Christ to a fallen and broken world of lost souls.

Men, will you lead?

"I see what you've done. Now see what I've done. I've opened a door that no one can slam shut. You don't have much strength; I know that; you used what you had to keep my Word. You didn't deny me when times were tough." Revelation 3:8

A brother in Christ sent this to me in response to a prayer request. It hasn't been a real 'walk in the Park' since that February day back in 2004 when I heard God call me back into the fold….especially since that October day in Illinois where He placed a call of ministry upon my heart.

It has been fraught with struggles, failures, and stress. There has been loss; there has been accountability and sorrow over my own failings and those of others. There hasn't been the abundance of wealth, health, or peace…well, at least the first two….that many gospels today proclaim is the Christian's 'birthright.'

It hasn't been pleasant, some of the places where God has taken me. It hasn't been without self-incrimination or doubt, a desire to 'not go there', and a fight to indeed 'go where no man has travelled before' in the depth of my dark soul……to shine the light upon the decay and sin there, and burn it in the righteous fire of the Most High.

My brother told me he didn't know what the 'door' would be, or what would manifest itself in my life to show God's favor for not 'denying Him in rough times.' God will bless me, this I know for sure; whether it is in this life or the eternal one that is open for debate. God will do what brings total glory and honor to Him, not what we feel is best for us, necessarily. The closer we get in our relationship to God, the more we realize how blessed we are even in the hurricane winds of trials and persecution.

Pastor Jim spoke of Hosea this Sunday past; a book most pastors he said weren't too eager to pursue in their sermons. After all, God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute, who then continues her trade and who Hosea has to eventually buy back from her 'pimp.' Not a very exciting or glamorous tale of following God's lead! Yet, as Pastor Jim said, there is a reason and he thinks the reason is so that Hosea would know how God felt about Israel. It wasn't the verses that Pastor Jim spoke of that hit me between the eyes, but one a few chapters in…a few verses down….

"Therefore your daughters turn to prostitution and your daughters-in-law to adultery."I will not punish your daughters when they turn to prostitution, nor your daughters-in-law when they commit adultery, because the men themselves consort with harlots and sacrifice with shrine prostitutes—a people without understanding will come to ruin!" Hosea 4:13c-14 (NIV)

I have said over and over in my blog that it is MEN who have the capability, under the authority and direction of God, to turn the cultural shift to the liberal, Universalist side back to a God-ordained, santicified path to restoration and healing. Men, who under the silence of Adam's sin, have given up their purpose as Spiritual leaders, and defenders of the beauty in a world of chaos and disorder, can redeem themselves and their families by being godly men.

It is through our own 'silence' that we are allowing this world to slide further and further away from God. It is not our daughters or our daughter-in-laws that will be punished but they will feel the effects of masculinity under sinful pursuits through our own failings to be men of the Word.

Maybe the verse my brother gave me wasn't intended just for me, but for all men in pursuit of a God most-powerful, most-holy, and most-merciful………

He has locked the door open for Godly men to step forward and lead. Not with the promise of renewed strength or power.....but the correct use of the power and strength already given....to the point of exhaustion.....

God calls for men to be Men of God

Will you be one of them?

And a few GODLY MEN will redeem......

"Help, O LORD. No godly person is left. Faithful people have vanished from among Adam's descendants! All people speak foolishly. They speak with flattering lips. They say one thing but mean another. May the LORD cut off every flattering lip and every bragging tongue that has said, "We will overcome with our tongues. With lips such as ours, who can be our master?" "Because oppressed people are robbed and needy people groan, I will now arise," says the LORD. "I will provide safety for those who long for it." The promises of the LORD are pure, like silver refined in a furnace and purified seven times. O LORD, you will protect them. You will keep each one safe from those people forever. Wicked people parade around when immorality increases among Adam's descendants." Psalms 12:1-8 (GWT)

Most theologians believe that David wrote this psalm during the reign of King Saul, when honesty and religious piety were in a decaying state in the government and country as a whole. David, in his typical fashion, also probably included his personal affronts suffered at the hands of treachous friends and the boldness of his sworn enemies. He mourns the loss of godly men, once abundant in the kingdom but now few in number, though whether through death or a falling away from the Truth he doesn't highlight.

"The only way to be manly," Dr. Larry Crabb states in The Silence of Adam, "is first to be godly."

In the wake of the emasulation of manhood by society through the promotion of 'feminism' and the destruction of the family, men throughout the world are seeking to right the wrongs visited by their own silence in the promotion of such humanistic declarations and find true masculinity. The problem for most is that they forget that first and foremost is a relationship with God, through which true masculinity is taught, understood, and emulated. The Creator of it all has the definitive answers men seek.

"Finding Christ," Crabb continues, "is a long, pride-crushing battle that leads through despair to the unmanageable joy of Spirit-fulness and then back again through darker despair to an even brighter joy."

In today's society, where the measure of 'bad times' is financial stresses, poor economic growth, and the abundance of war, we have been misled; as a nation, as a people, and as men. It isn't such that God declares is 'bad times', but rather the abundance of godless men who speak with mouths full of pride, profanity, viscious words, and ineffective utterances. Sin abounds without declaration of its existence, as men once again remain silence, unwilling to fulfill their role as warriors standing against darkness and chaos to protect the beauty and order that God created.

Men have allowed society to declare what is manly and forgotten the lessons taught by the One who created both man and woman. God will punish such men, and as a result, the evilness of society which has been allowed to run unchecked through the marrow of society's bones.

We truly live in 'bad times' as godless men and purposeful immorality has been allowed to run unchecked to the degree where openly sinful men are declared to be the 'best' among us and allowed to run for political office to affect, control, and minimize godly direction in this great nation.

These men, confusing with their utterance of 'religious tolerance' and 'religious authority' the Truthfulness of God, stand in the public square and declare, "With our tongues will we prevail against the cause of virtue; our lips are our own and we may say what we will; there is no one who can stop us or call us to an accounting!"
We, as a people, can be false; our flesh being the primary ruler of our emotions and reactions. Self-protection and preservation is paramount. But God is faithful and God has proven His trustworthiness where man cannot deliver such absolutes.

And it is those men, fast men as they have been called by in other times, who are faithful to God who will lead this nation into redemption and restoration to Godly blessing and truth. These godly men use their words as confirmation of their bond to God through the conscience decision and effort to being true to God for the sake of all mankind. It is these men, who value faithfulness to God above themselves and use their power to lead in service to those in their marriages, families, and communities, that will bring Truth to a world dying.

"Men of this generation must learn to count the cost of following Christ," Crabb states, "(The cost is easily calculated: everything we have)......resist[ing] the christian culture that values self-discovery and self-fulfillment above abandoning ourselves to God."

Such men value godliness and spiritual wisdom more than worldly degrees and toughened skills gain in the corporate world. They look to the absolute authority and Truth of God's word, silver refined to the purest degree as shown through the proof of its power and inpurviness of worldly influence. And it is the visible representation of consistency and agape love that will attract the lost and wayward of this world to seek these men out, as they shine with the light of the Heavenly Father in the darkness of troubling times.

To cause a people to seek not comfort in the manipulation of man of God's design but to search and value the mentoring of godly men and women who humbly refute their 'gentle discernment and spiritual wisdom' as not their own but something given by God to all His people, to lead them in spiritual pursuit of their Creator God. These men will create a culture shift; from worldly pursuit of personal godliness to a influencing life lived in pursuit of God-led involvement in social and moral leadership to lead through the emulation of a servant (Christ) that will radically alter how we live in marriages, families, and communities and give value to Godly pursuits instead of secular 'spirituality'.

These men have been, are, and will be forever forged in the fires of struggle, trials, temptations, and pay a price that few today are willing to pay; absolute and continous surrendering of everything to God. It is these men, and women of the same ilk, that will forever be the source of restoration and redemption in the world until Christ Himself returns.

Such men, even in society today, are valued as friends by Christian and non-Christian alike. The North American Indians have a more eloquent word for 'friend' than we do in English. In their language, the word for friend literally means, "the one who carries my sorrows on his back." Such are the service given by Godly men, real men by the original and perfect intent of God, who value service to the people above personal pursuits. Who seek God's wisdom and discernment and avoid their own.

Until such men, pursuing masculinity in themselves through the Creator who made them, stand and declare themselves willing, the men who seem so populous in the world today will continue to be exalted into places of authority, trust, and power and the laws that govern us will promote rather than prevent immorality and reward a sinful people according to self-serving pursuits. Until such is resisted by godly men and women, the wickedness of the world will control society's destination and those who deceive, debauch, and destroy others in unchecked, willful, and unafraid sin will continue to cause the moral and spiritual descent into darkness for this nation, society, and the world.

Wickedness abounds in the world today; in the halls of European countries and down to the very paths to the Executive Office of this once God-fearing nation. Under the continued protection and countenance of those in authority, such sinfulness and moral decay can only promote rather than abolish 'very bad times'.

Until these places of authority and trust are once again returned to those who seek to bring spiritual truth and justice, to shine the Light upon the highest hill, to a society enamoured with its sinful, self-serving pursuits, we have continued trouble ahead.

It is time for 'a few good men' to answer the call of their country and their God.

Will you be such a man?

"But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and of silver, but also of wood and of earth; and some to honour, and some to dishonour. If a man therefore purge himself from these, he shall be a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the master's use, and prepared unto every good work." 2 Timothy 2:20-21

The first thing that greeted me at work this morning when I arrived was my neighbor in the bay next to me, who knows that I'm a Christian (we've had many discussions). He looked at me and simply said, "You know that God of yours? You can tell him for me to kiss my a**. He took my grandmother last night."

I told him, "I can understand your feelings, I recently lost my grandmother. I hope that it was a peaceful passing and I hope that the journey home for your parents is uneventful. As for me telling God, you can honestly do that yourself. I'll pray for your peace and comfort in this trying time." Not exactly what one is taught in the chaplain training, or what usually would've come out of my mouth. "I'm sorry for your loss. I'll pray for you." would've been my standard reply.

Four years ago, the standard response would've been given without any more thought. And, even with the standard sorrow greeting, I would've just thought...'Gee, I've got alot of worse and more immediate problems than that. Your grandmother lived a long time, it happens." A callous response, not totally uncaring, but dismissive all the same.

Involvement in this guy's life isn't one of my top choices; he constantly ridicules my faith, my beliefs, and my God. But God's put me here next to him. For a reason I assume. That is a change from the way I was, but that wasn't the biggest thing that confronted me today.

Faced with a impending loss of my residence because I cannot pay the rent, the lawsuit that will surely follow because of the breaking of the lease agreement, the continued problems with the vehicle that I drive to and from, my daughter's emotional struggles, my son's congitive impairment, the situation with my soon-to-be ex wife and her health issues, the bleak and dismal outlook of my job of five years being laid off because of the automotive market, the beak and equally dismal outlook of me going back to school (a 42,000 price tag), and the beating I'm taking from myself in regards to all of that..........

My first thoughts weren't of myself and the disaster looming over the horizon, but of my coworker's statement, the sorrow and loss, and the grief that wrapped itself around the anger and mistrust of God that this young man has. I wondered how this would be best handled, how Christ would've answered this young man's grief. And I started to pray. For wisdom, for guidance, and to give this young man a glimpse and a bit of heaven's peace.

His grandmother was a believer, he told me. She was in good health, at least appearance wise, and this was definately unexpected. She was travelling Europe, a life long dream, with his parents who were now coming back home with a inert body that once was his grandmother, his mother's mother.

"You can see her again, you know." I told him, before we began our workday that separates us widely despite the physical proximity.

"Yeah," he said as he turned away. "Say some prayers for my parents and me."

"I always do and will continue." I replied. He gave a brief smile and turned away.

A seed planted. I look forward to the possible growth.

And I thanked God for the opportunity to represent Him in this crazy and chaotic world we have to live in......

I've finished Dr. Larry Crabb's book Finding God, and find myself in the unique (well, not so unique in Michigan anymore) position where I am at that crossroad between the actual beginning of the destruction of the fallen structure I have lived with for most of my life and the rebuliding of a godly structure, where I long to set hammer to nail to begin the work before me.

As I cried out in my stress, my grief, and my pain to God, "Where are you?", He answered.

Not by giving me a financial windfall that will answer my bills or shelter needs.

Not by fixing my car of its ailments.

Not by giving me the assurance that everything will be fine with my children.

Not by giving me the glib and quick 'christian' comment to another's sorrow.

And He answered today. "This is what I've called you to do. This and nothing more."

I've been on sabbatical from the chapel ministry. Recently I asked my ministry leader, Chaplain Gotberg, if the offer for ordination was still available even if I didn't return to the chapel on a full-time basis. He said it was. I was going to use the ordination cert to see if that met the Army's qualifications to reenlist and send me to seminary before I serve my obligation of two years for each one of education. But the silence from the recruiting arm of the Army has been ominious in its errie lack of noise.

But it has been on my mind lately to pick up that purpose that I seem to have dropped, to move forward despite the uncertainity, the total lack of confidence, and the ridicule of others that claim the same 'family name' as me. To press on.

It has been a rough, time-consuming, difficult, and personally terrifying trip these last few years as I've fought against the 'floors' of my fallen structure; I doubt God (terror and rage), I need you (demanding dependence), I hate you (interpersonal conflict), I hate me (poor self-image), I will survive (arrogant determination), and Here's how (foolish and self-centered style of relating). All the buried, fallen structure Dr. Crabb says we all have standing in our path of finding God in this broken, sinful, and chaotic world.

I have tried to work at buliding the godly structure, that leads to 'fruitful living', through the slow progression of buliding the floors; I believe God (quietness, trust, worship), I love you (freedom from dependence), I accept you (intimacy), I judge me (repentance and rest), I will obey (humble cooperation and joy), and here's how (wise and other-centered style of relating).

Sometimes the buliding looks like a mottley collection of both structures, intermixed and poorly designed. And other times, I've watched the 'godly structure' fall and began rebuliding the 'fallen one' in its place.

Each time, the godly structure goes up quicker, last longer, and is gaining more preference over the fallen structure when rebuliding is necessary.

"God has a unique call on each one of our lives. Our biggest barriers to true growth in Him comes from our refusal to trust Him to point the way. We are simply often afraid of the unknown so we stop ourselves dead in our own tracks and end up wandering for a season. The amazing grace of God is that even in our wanderings He is guiding us slowly back to the starting gate and then empowering us to bolt free to a future of unlimited possibilities asking only that we stay in His will. Praise Him. He alone is worthy." Carolyn Baker says in her devotional prayer today.

I would have to agree.

I have to trust God because the world seems bent on not having me around, the stack in that place is against me and mine. But, God promises and God delivers, in His way and His time.......but He does.

I will trust God

I will obey God

and I will praise Him in this storm.


side note: I also finished reading The Prophetic Imagination by Walter Brueggemann. Apparently I missed something in the reading, based on the comments by others on my reading list website, www.goodreads.com and other locations on the worldwide web.

I wrote my blog about the book and the author, agonzing about listing it on my blogpage because I am not too happy with the discussion of 'consciousness' and 'alternative realities'. It may be just my heavy heart about the emergent, universalist, and new age predomination that has hit the christian community and is causing it's fracture. Scholar wise, Brueggemann is a intelligent, and thought-provoking authority.

Spiritually, I think he is more of the 'emergent' bent and it shows. But, if you wish to read that article, you can access it on www.faithwriters.com. Look for it under the author name Jim Hutson or under the title "The Prophetic Imagination".
I'd love to get comments from those who read this blog, about either book comment.

Doubting Thomases; hating yourself for what YOU cannot do.......

"Your life will always be hanging by a thread. You will live in terror day and night. You will never feel sure of your life." Deuteronomy 28:66 GWT

Doubt, this is the core to what ails you, according to Dr. Larry Crabb. At the root of any diagnosis, illness, or dependency is a basic, simple, and generational doubt that God is good, or good enough to deliver His promises and take care of us.

Our lives become reflective of what we believe at the core, deep within the quiet accesses of our heart. Black or White, Good or Evil, self-protective or selflessness. One way or the other, there is no middle ground (unless we include the deception that is the Enemy's tool)

That is something we cannot change, this core belief, because of the sinful, broken self that we are. We cannot save ourselves; no matter the advances in medicine, no matter how tolerant we are of others, and we cannot cop a plea to the dysfunctions and wounds of our past as reasoning behind why Sin should not carry the death sentence.

Yet, that is what we spend the most time doing. We realize in the course of our living this life on this planet full of millions and millions of people; different in social, economic, and cultural ways, that "No one is fully sensitive to our hurts and fears.......cares for us with a love that allows us to relax fully....no one ever will." Dr. Larry Crabb, author of Finding God, describes what we call a "lurking despair" or as the Germans say, our "angst".

Satan will give us a push then, playing to our angst, with thoughts like; "You will always be alone", "You will never find anywhere where you can belong, find love, be part of a community, or meaning to your life." Cast adrift in this sea of despair and hopelessness, we grab on to whatever is within our reach or find some means to be self-sufficient. Anything; from addictions to co-dependency, self-improvement books, or withdraw from society, "are all efforts to avoid the despair that sets in when we realize that no earthly relationship will give us what we need," Dr. Crabb points out.

We come to a standstill, without the energy to deny the probability that we will never find anything that will bear fruit, and we face the dismal fact that apparently we were right and God is as impotent to do anything good, or even participate in our lives. We have been abandoned, left to our own devices to solve our problems by any means necessary. Others can't do it for us, or won't. We enter into a place where we realize it is our fault for the way things are and we gather our considerable emotional strength together to begin bashing ourselves to death.

In response to the growing insight that we, as a people, hate ourselves and spend our time loathing the person we have become, the Church teaches us the 'gospel of self-value' by telling us that all we need to do is overcome this self-hatred and realize God's unconditional, agape, love because once we realize this love the Father has for us, we will stop beating ourselves up over the inability to 'improve ourselves' and will realize the happy, productive, and meaning-filled life that was the original intention for our lives. The Church, in trying to address the angst of generations who move away from its walls, has cause us to fall......

Right into Satan's hands.

And, ironically to our way of thinking, right into the hands of God also.

Its when we face the fact that we cannot overcome this pressure we've created through the teachings of the Church to just overcome self-hatred and 'relax' in God's agape love, when we find that our 'works' done to capture a momentary feeling of 'salvational assurance', and are brought to that place where we cannot deny the certainty of our sinful presence before a Holy and Just God, we face a crossroad. A choice.

We can listen to Satan's whispers; to 'focus on the self-hatred' that binds our souls to a life of torment and pain....."Surely you will not die!" We can believe that such whispers are the truth and the sole remaining reason behind our dysfunction.

Or we can find God there in that darkness of our deepest parts of our soul. "If we saw our wicked, stubborn violation of God's design, then we would value the Cross as the place where God, through His Son, took on our sins and forgave us," Dr. Crabb says, "And we would see that He continues to forgive us every day of our lives until the day when there will be nothing left to forgive." God has the capability to help us overcome our rotten core of sin, and He has provided the means by which we can do so; by the sacrifice of His Son and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. If only we find Him.

It is then that we are free, as Paul speaks of often in his epistles, from the Law of Moses and freed by grace. Once this freedom is gained, we judge ourselves by the eagerness that consumes us to be like Christ despite the whisperings of the enemy instead of judging ourselves by our own understanding.

I spent most of my life under shadows; the shadow of bearing my father's image, the shadow of my eldest brother's brain, the shadow of my younger brother's mechanical abilities, and so many more that I won't mention here. And, as I pursued a doctrine of life that sought to justify my needs being fulfilled in the approval of my father, the admiration of my eldest brother, or even the simple mirroring of ability that my youngest brother displayed, I found myself growing into a doctrine of self-hatred. "Well, I must be the one that broke the mold, since I cannot do anything right."

It is not the sole function of the love that God gives freely to us to redeem ourselves through the sacrifice of His Son's death upon the Cross. It is not solely because of His Holiness that such an event had to take place. But that love, unconditional, that is given is the lifeblood of the movements of our Father God and Jesus Christ in the quest of the Kingdom agenda. That Holiness, perfected, set the course by which it takes place.

So, should it not also be our sole function, to reach that point where the love of the Father is felt, known, and realized. But, it should be the lifeblood that flows throughout our actions, thoughts, and understanding for our movement into relationships that are going to be breeding grounds for our angst, where no one will be sensitive enough to our hurts and fears, or care with a perfect enough love to let us know peace, or where pain is as common as the stars in the skies overhead. It is this desire to know God, to conform our lives as closely as we can without the realization of achievement in this world that should drive our interactions to each other, our direction in fulfilling our purpose for the Kingdom, and our desire to overcome our doubt.

It is there, in that place where we can accept that life will not give us what we need and is bent on our destruction coupled with the fact that we ourselves are incapable of adapting ourselves to the world in such a degree as to find peace and grace within its walls, it is in that place that we feel God's gentle tap upon our shoulders. It is there that God reveals Himself to us. And, if we only turn around, we would see His arms stretched wide in welcoming grace.

"Either we live under pressure to grow, or we celebrate grace." Dr. Crabb concludes his chapter 12: Third Floor; I hate Me "It comes more naturally to hate ourselves and be driven by pressure to improve, than to judge ourselves in a way that leads to a celebration of grace."

We can spend our lives trying to use social justice to justify our lives, by changing the social 'hot points' of the changing cultural awareness or we can spend our lives knowing that we are incapable of fixing a world that has no life to give us and seeking to be set free of our inherited doubt of God.

It is not within our ability to overcome our own, or the world's problems. We are not that capable of such authorial and universal power. We are our own worst enemy.

But God is capable.

And it is within our capability to seek out God in the midst of the chaotic and broken landscape of our life. And, once we've dedicated ourselves to that pursuit, to die to ourselves so that we may live in His grace, then we will know our God and Creator..............

and change the world!

Wearing our new clothes.....

"What your corrupt nature wants is contrary to what your spiritual nature wants, and what your spiritual nature wants is contrary to what your corrupt nature wants. They are opposed to each other. As a result, you don't always do what you intend to do. If your spiritual nature is your guide, you are not subject to Moses' laws. Now, the effects of the corrupt nature are obvious: illicit sex, perversion, promiscuity, idolatry, drug use, hatred, rivalry, jealousy, angry outbursts, selfish ambition, conflict, factions, envy, drunkenness, wild partying, and similar things. I've told you in the past and I'm telling you again that people who do these kinds of things will not inherit the kingdom of God." Galatians 5:17-21 GWT

The power to love, above the sinful nature of the flesh to hate, is what we are called to reflect to the world because in doing so, we reflect the Christ. "Making that shift in thinking....[to give to rather than get from]....requires that the more basic elements in the [fallen personality] structure be disrupted and shattered." Dr. Larry Crabb states in his book Finding God in Chapter 11. The danger is not realizing the core root of this fallen structure is that we don't trust God to care for us, because then we gloss over our anger towards the unfilled needs that are not filled by others into a self-loathing of ourselves. Which is more destructive than the co-dependency of needing others for our fulfillment.

You were taught, with regard to Your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24

Paul laid out for us the effects of our corrupted nature and we all can point to someone we know or sometimes even ourselves as imitators of such effects. This nature doesn't absolve itself into a gelatinous goo that we can then just wash off the walls of our heart when we accept in our soul the salvation gift, contrary to the popular notion of death/re-birth that the church tells us to believe happens instaneously when we whisper the words of acceptance.....our old self, blinded by our own selfishness and sin, does indeed get killed (unless we ourselves resurrect it). We no longer are bound by the acts of the pre-salvation nature. But, like an apendage that is cut off, we still feel the effects and reactions that comprised the corrupted nature. It is what the Devil uses in his attempt to decieve many a new Christian into becoming disenchanted by the seemingly lack of improvement in their immediate surroundings or within their mindset. Which supports our basic distrust of God's goodness and His ability to effectively care for our needs. Our new self was created to be righteous and holy, in accordance to the standards set and shown by God.

And, just like the 'new self' is to be put on, each day and with intentional living, so it is just as easy to put on that old set of clothes, the old corruptive nature, and follow the old, familiar paths. Each morning I start out my day with the intention to trust God's ability to fashion my day in a way that glorifies His Kingdom, and I struggle, sometimes, to keep on course with that. My spiritual mindset knows that God is real, good, holy, righteous, and just (to name a few) and that if that is all so, that He will fulfill through faithful execution of His love the promise of 'nothing but the best'. But, my physical mindset, corrupted by the reality of the world's brokenness and my own sinful nature, looks around me at the bills stacking on the desk, the car dented and bruised, squeaking me through yet another day, and the increasing stress of the future that is burdened by fog and uncertainity. My sinful nature cries out that God won't care, while my spiritual nature says God already has. When we allow ourselves to be overcome by our corrupt nature, then the laws of Moses apply and we fail. But, with faithful diligence, each time sin loses more and more that ability to be worn as an old set of clothes, because we grow stronger and more righteous, through the working of the Holy Spirit and in time, that sinful set of clothes no longer fits or is 'trendy'.

Josh Graves made a comment on one of his blog entries that if you don't like the spirituality of the Church, you should look to the spirituality of the Leadership. If you want to change it, then you have to change it within the leadership first. The Christian church seems to be in terminal stages of a cancer that is destroying the body from within. Ineffective leadership, false doctrine, universalism that is labeled "postmodernism", and a lure away from the Gospel have riddled the church body with division, mistruth, and a malady that has effectively curtailed many a ministry. Too often, though, we just change churches or just fade into the backdrop of the mega-church where we can hide just as effectively and be just as ineffective. After all, we don't want to preach absolute truth and the adherence to such doctrine.

That would be wrong.

Pastors who speak out against homosexuality fall, themselves victims of a corrupt structure that has them not relying on God but on their ability to deliver what they feel the congregation wants from them; be it a shining spiritual outer core, or an beautiufl and carefully balanced (so as not to offend) sermon to please the masses. Ministers live in expensive and fancy homes while many of their congregational members live below or at the poverty level and the world cries out for help in areas where devastation has reeked havoc in already extreme hard lives.

Size becomes a common topic on the table at the council meetings, leadership meetings, and directional meetings with scarce a willing ear to listen for God's purpose. Other minister's fall prey to the wonderful and large salary that comes their way as the congregation grows; not in spirit but in numbers. The Age of the Mega-church has blunted the powerful force of the Gospel. If you don't belong to the "Church of the latest thing", you're missing out. If you don't feel the emotion from the lofty voice of the melodic pastor, well then.....you must not be truly saved.

All in the name of saving the generation coming, where 3 out of 5 college aged young adults are leaving the church. The gospel accounts have been revamped, restyled, and reduced to try and be culturally sensitive to those who are leaving instead of remaining firm in the retelling and thereby providing an consistency that defies the ages.

We should always remember:

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD. I will remember your ancient miracles. I will reflect on all your actions and think about what you have done. O God, your ways are holy! What god is as great as our God?" Psalms 77:11-20

God's ability to take care of His will and His plan are legendary and unwavering. Instead of changing the gospel to meet society, we should be changing society to meet the gospel. And live it. And, by standing on the time-honored and absolute truths of the scriptures, we will save through the power of the Holy Spirit, the generations to come.

Look back at history and see what man changed, what was the result?

Look upon the Scripture accounts of the past, see what God said, and see what happened when man changed to follow the lessons taught, what was the result?

We have put on new, gaudy clothes that aren't what our new self should be wearing and called it 'christianity'.

Agape Service; our Tower of Babel.

"Although they shout in My ears, I will not listen to them," (Ezekiel 8:18 NIV)

refers to people who speak with their lips, but their motivation is for self-preservation and gain. "If God will, then I will." Or, "Since I have, God should fulfill His end of the bargain." We are a people, not that far removed from the sins of Adam and Eve in the Garden, who distrust the God of Isaac, Jacob, and Abraham to do what He wills in His way in a duration of His time. We want, and don't get even though we've asked because we are trying to coerce God to listen to us and give us what we feel we need.

"God cannot be trusted with the things that matter most," Dr. Larry Crabb states in his discussion of Chapter 8 of his book, Finding God. We are willing to jump through the hoops that God sets up for us to go through, with an expectation of reward when it's done. We attend church on Sunday, trusting God with the basic task of providing us with someone who is intelligent, well-dressed, and verbally pleasing to the ear to instruct us on the way of Christ. Then we throw our bibles in the backseat of the car and tool on off into the week that rapidly becomes stressful, complex, and uncooperative. Our prayers of supplication go unanswered, as if God only comes into contact with the world on Sunday mornings.

Preachers will tell us, you must've not asked right or you don't have the faith to realize His blessings. Or, the biggie you don't hear anymore (in voiced opinion, anyway), you've must be sinning. They speak their opinions and call it God's word.

Funny, you dig a bit deeper and face those places you fear to go; you find a tendency to distrust God, handed down through the generations.

God can be really frustrating, seeming to not notice our offerings, prayers, and tithing to Him. Isn't He supposed to at least give us an "atta-boy?" I heard the call to ministry, went directly to my Lead/Founding Pastor of the church I was attending, and was shoved off on someone else with a list of 'mentoring' books to read. Promises made to follow up were never fulfilled. And I struggled with the opinion of others in regards to whether I was suitable for ministry in the first place; after all, ministers are supposed to be 'on-top-of-their-game', right? Here was a mid-aged man who struggled to remember bible verses, has financial messes, and was working on being a godly husband, father, and man.....all without theological training. I am surprised that I didn't hear the laughter following me down the hall each time (twice)I met with the Pastor to discuss the Call. And I wasn't the only one bending the Pastor's ear, my mentor (who served as Associate Pastor), would always bring me or the topic of discipleship of leaders, at the meetings.

I struggle with this; obedience with expectation. I found a way into the ministry, working as a Senior Chaplain in the Meadowbrook Chapel. I've sat down with a financial advisor and struggled with a budget. I've dedicated myself to writing, studying, and stretching myself into avenues of thinking that are hard for me; I'm not an intellectual giant of a person. I have given myself fully to the Call, and faced constant rejection and rebuffing from those I am told to respect and to admire. And, there is nothing to show, at least in my limited view, for the 'work' I've done for the Lord.

I pastor no church, am on the staff of no evangelical movement or ministry, and have nothing to point to that I could say with certainty that those things are happening.....just around the next corner, over the next mountain top, or on the horizon barely in view. And, while my life has dramatically changed from where I was four years ago when I renewed my faith in many areas; theology, my view of God, my desire to see God glorified in all I do, and biblical study, so much more has happened that seems to be deliberately happening NOT to make me ministerial material in any one's eyes.

No longer do I go along to 'get along'. I hold the church to a higher standard than I hold anyone else, because the church is the major issue in the disintegration of the faithful largely because it has stepped away from a biblical doctrine and adopted a humanistic one draped in Christianized words.

My marriage, which I thought was God-ordained, is broken and is not going to be 'magically' restored. I am not seeking it, don't think that my wife is truly seeking it either, and I have already gone through the mourning process even before I had departed. I own what I own of the responsibility of the breakup and destruction, but I am not the sole reason. Not too many churches want divorced pastors, and especially don't want ones who are going through one.

My financial picture is bleak and continues to be a source of stress for me, especially now that I am surviving on one income...if you can say it is survival what I am doing. One blip on the radar and I'm in trouble. I cannot meet the bills I have with the income I bring in, the cost of living it seems is set against me. And the help that is there is not accessible. I need a second job, but that doesn't fit into the schedule I work, having kids, and keeping even this blog going. I am too overburdened with living. The last time I took a second job, I nearly killed myself falling asleep on the road between them.

The writing, while it seems to be growing in terms of ability, it isn't growing as a possible source of income or even an indicator of whether or not I am to be doing this for God at all. On faithwriters, where I post articles, people are reading them....anywhere from 50 to 800, are the counts on the articles. Even on this blog, over two thousand have visited since I posted the ticker on the bottom, but the four comments I've received are not pleasant indicators I'm doing something good, if you look at the opinions stated. I haven't found a publisher for my book; in fact I've been rejected by several. No one has 'picked me' up as a guest writer, etc. I continue to struggle with the time it takes.

Even in the journey through the darkest valley of my past; the wounds, the cuts, and the lies that I have believed from those, hasn't been as 'fruitful' as I would have requested it. There is more of this valley to journey through, more to realize painfully how I've lied to myself even and reacted from my past. I am definitely not the man I once was, but I am far from the man God intends me to be.

In this place; where my vehicle needs work on to run but there's no money to fix it up, I face the coming possibility of eviction because I can't pay my rent or other bills, where people who said they'd do the honorable thing sudden renege on giving me a deposit back, and the growing unease of being stagnant in the ministry call, here I cannot hide. My faith is forced to the fore, and it is either strong enough to pull a kicking and screaming man through these things or it isn't. I can either acknowledge God's blessings that exist daily or I can deny that God is more than worthy of praise from this broken, sinful man and declared Him not capable of being totally good given the amount of miracles that would have to happen to make everything work in my favor.

The fallen structure that is in place to stop me from finding God is creaking under the strain of opposing forces. And I want it to come down.

My Tower of Babel is offensive; standing in the way of my desire to know My God.

Not so that God will move in a way that I want, but that God can reveal His glory anew to me in such a way that I know Him. So I drop to my knees, I pray without ceasing, and I immerse myself in the Word, God's written words that speak to me in the troubling times.

God reveals Himself to those who seek Him earnestly and humbly. I trust Him to know what He is doing, that He knows far beyond my capability what is good for me to get me where He would have me go, because I don't have that talent. I am not that good, I am not that faithful, and by far, I am not that holy.

God is.

I'll trust Him with the steering wheel of the ship as I listen for His commands above the raging seas and harsh winds. I will do the work He asks, not for personal gain, but to honor Him, bless Him, and give Him His most heartfelt desire.

To be known by me.

So I believe in what I'm told within His word, not for gain (for I consider it loss for His glory), but to understand, know, and find my Father God:

When I feel its impossible, God tells me everything is possible through Him (Luke 18:27). When I'm afraid of what might happen, what is happening, and what may never happen, He tells me not to fear (2 Timothy 1:7).

When I feel lost in the midst of the storm, off course and certain to go to the watery depths, He quiets me and tells me that He, the Lord of the Storm and Creator of my being, will guide my steps (Proverbs 3:5-6). When the worry and the frustrations mount to a degree that's painful, He tells me to give them to Him (1 Peter 5:7).

Total reliance on Him, without expectation and demand. Thankful for the storms as well as the safe harbor.

Rain or shine.

I will follow Him, seeking to know and find the Father God.

Rather than looking to only heal my wounds, to restore my peace, and find my happiness I will lean on Him. I will heal through this journey; have the peace that defies the world's chaos, and a happiness that comes from a restored relationship with the Abba Father. Not as a reward for my service, my faith, my love, or even my death.

But because God has blessed me with the knowledge of the Son; I need not ask, or expect, more. My service to the King is not for sale.

I give it without expectation, because of the example set by His Son.

Will you seek without reward? Or is your faith more of the proverbial "cart before the horse" variety?

Realized reality

Acts 12:6-10 (GWT) "The night before Herod was going to bring Peter to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers. His hands were bound with two chains, and guards were in front of the door. They were watching the prison. Suddenly, an angel from the Lord stood near Peter, and his cell was filled with light. The angel nudged Peter's side, woke him up, and said, "Hurry! Get up!" At that moment the chains fell from Peter's hands. The angel told him, "Put your shoes on, and get ready to go!" Peter did this. Then the angel told him, "Put your coat on, and follow me." Peter followed the angel out of the cell. He didn't realize that what the angel was doing was actually happening. He thought he was seeing a vision. They passed the first and second guardposts and came to the iron gate that led into the city. This gate opened by itself for them, so they went outside and up the street. The angel suddenly left Peter."

Dr. Larry Crabb, in Finding God, the follow-up or addition to his original book INSIDE OUT, speaks of 'the sinful nature' of man that was embedded in ourselves through the doubt of Eve and Adam. One who believed that God wasn't being 'good' by withholding the Tree of Good and Evil and the other, not believing God was 'good enough' to handle the introduction of sin through grace. We have spent the rest of human history doubting God could be good enough to do what He said, what He promises. So we turn to ourselves to deal with the reliance upon an unreliable world.

"The foundation of the fallen structure is our doubt in God's goodness, which creates the terror of aloneness in an unreliable world," Crabb states in Chapter Seven of Finding God, "which leads to rage against God for doing so little to protect us from suffering."

We don't believe perfectly in the love of the Father God to be 'good enough' for our struggles and therefore, seek to rely on our own abilities to see us through. Look at our 'recovery' and 'improvement' books that line the shelves of any bookstore in the American landscape; "Self" is the key word. Even in our recovery ministries at Church, we seek an understanding of our tendencies and motivations so that we can construct tripwires and flares to warn us when we are straying towards those destructive things. Recovery has become less about believing in the 'goodness' of God and more about our ability to deal with the addictions.

Pastor Dave, of Soul Quest Ministries, my new home church expressed this over and over in his sermon on Sunday (which you can hear, I believe, on the website www.soulquestministries.com). He pointed to the verse found in 1 John 4:17-18 (NIV) "In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like Him. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

We worry about our ability to take care of ourselves in a world that we feel should take care of us, should validate us, and should make life livable for us. It often takes one situation, one loss, or one trial in which the world opposes such notions and we are terrified, fearful of what the future is going to be like. I know, I face it each day.

The separation from my wife, a decision that was harder than she'll ever believe, has set me into turmoil regarding my ability to take care of myself and my children. Mounting bills, limited income, car repairs, and just the situational aspects of single parenting have caused sleepless nights, worry, and doubt to cascade into every other aspect of my life. Regarding the ministerial call, regarding my ability to be a good, CHRISTIAN father, and where the future of my participation in the Awakened Hearts Ministry, which is going 'full-time' (not my participation, but the ministry leadership). Financial stress, complicated by the rising fuel prices and the failing automotive industry (which my job is in), doesn't lend support to the vision that God is good, or at least good ENOUGH, to deal in these things for me. So I try myself, and I am failing.

Fray Juan de la Cruz, Friar John of the Cross, believed that struggle and suffering were necessary for spiritual growth. "Turn not to the easiest, but to the most difficult… not to the more, but to the less; not towards what is high and precious, but to what is low and despised; not towards desiring anything, but to desiring nothing." His life was a struggle, sometimes deliberately brought upon himself and other times by others. His two famous writings, "Cantico Espiritual" (Spiritual Canticle) and "Noche Oscura del Alma" (Dark Night of the Soul), were written in jail by the very Church he served as a friar in.

It is what we do in the situations we face that cause us to grow. We either turn towards God, believing and moving as Peter did when the angel appeared before him, entering the reality of God's goodness and provision as it happens, or we question the ability of God to even hear our cries for help and develop a spirit of fear and anger towards our own Creator.

"There are many believers who know they SHOULD be free in Jesus. They have a head knowledge of freedom ---but somehow they haven't grasped the reality of the freedom that is promised! They walk with the vision without living the reality!" George, author and minister of Worthy New Ministry, writes in his devotional regarding Peter's belief (www.worthynewministry.com). What would it be like for us to believe that God is good enough to be good to us? How many prescriptions for the things that ail us would go unfilled if that knowledge of freedom from fear, terror, and sin would implant itself within our hearts instead of being only residing in our minds?

Watchman Nee, in The Spiritual Man, gives us a glimpse of what that could look like, if we had the faith to believe in our hearts of the goodness that is inherently God. "We should inquire once again as to what the life of faith is. It is one lived by believing in God under any circumstance: "If He slay me," says Job, "yet would I trust in Him." That is faith. Because I once believed, loved and trusted God I shall believe, love and trust Him wherever He may put me and however my heart and body may suffer…..Emotion begins to doubt when it senses blackness, whereas faith holds on to God even in the face of death."

Do you have that kind of faith? Realizing that the key to overcoming our innate deception in believing in the goodness of God and collapsing what Dr. Crabb calls the 'fallen structure' that hampers our ability to find God.

"I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind, but now I see."

What is the present you see? One with God in the details, or one with Him sitting on the throne impatient to finish you off?

If we are to know Him in the way He wants us to know Him; with joy, purpose, and self-control, then we must face the sin we carry from our birth and realize we are not worthy of His love, but given His grace.

We must turn from self-valued principles and rely on principles of God's value. Perfect love.....no fear.

That seems to be the theme of my many devotionals today, that God wants me to not fear the coming of the dawn, but face it with an eagerness of a child.

Carolyn Baker of All about God.com, chose this for her devotional today and I think it is fitting to close with it for mine:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall. God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; He lifts His voice, the earth melts. - Psalm 46:1–6

A God of Love and so much more.

"This is what the Almighty LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: You can be saved by returning to Me. You can have rest. You can be strong by being quiet and by trusting Me. But you don't want that." Isaiah 30:15 (GWT)

We don't want to hear anymore of the sin of our fathers that has come down through the generations since Adam surrendered his purpose to the serpent's call and thus created the barrier between a righteous and holy God and fallen man. We have excommunicated the thought of original sin from our sermons and our productions within the church walls, instead of opting for a "love" ideology.

A God who loves us wouldn't punish us for the sin of another, would He? He wouldn't allow those who truly benefit and serve their fellow man to be 'cast into the lake of fire', right? He would represent the ultimate 'feel-good' moments of our lives when our parents or another loved one wrapped us in their arms where we felt protected and safe. He would be something that we could point to and say, "See, He is good…..because He loves me through protecting me from harm, death, and sin's punishment." He is good because we are the ones defining what that good is. Or we accept the church doctrine upon which we base our limited religious knowledge.

And then the world steps in. And like chaff separating from the wheat, our religiosity goes flying off on the invisible wind of painful realization.

There is pain in the world, it happens to people we consider 'good' (i.e. good fathers, mothers, sons, daughters who highlight the honorable things we look to as good). A faithful servant, desiring only the assurance of their loved ones' realization of salvation, frantically proclaims the promise of Christ to those dear ones as they lie gasping for the breath that will keep them alive for one more moment is hopelessly lost when they breathe no more, without any positive sign of salvation's acceptance.

A daughter, struggling with the near death experiences of her father, struggles to ensure confidence in herself that "God has a special place in Heaven for givers like you, Dad." But that easiness that she seeks never comes. And her faith blows away as she watches a man she dearly loves come nearer to death, both physically and spiritually.

A man, realizing his sinful and destructive life, fights daily with himself to overcome those tendencies to seek self-protection, self-fulfillment, and self-worth as priorities and continues to imperfectly love. He cries out to the God of Love as he watches his marriage collapse into a broken ruin at his feet.

We don't want to hear of our own destructive nature, and the inherited birthright of death because of the sinful ways we have cultured since the beginning of mankind. We claim to seek God and when that construct fails to appease our sensibilities, we reject it for another easier adaptable one.

We fight against ourselves in our attempt to gain that which we desire most.

Freedom.

We consider ourselves basically good, born into a world that is working against us at every turn. We look to those who seem to enjoy a fruitful, wealthy, and fulfilling life for the answers we cannot discover ourselves, and are frustrated when they don't work for us. We would rather remain in the dark than to realize the Truth is beyond our manipulations.

And we pass by the very thing that would give us our desires.

We look at those in positions of strength and envy them, not realizing that we can have far greater strength in One who is strength. We only have to stop and listen to His voice, and implant within our hearts the desire to know Him.

In serving a greater Truth, we grow in confidence and comfort in the ability to ride out the inconsistencies of a broken world's attempt to harm us. By growing in knowledge of the True God, we realize that despite the best efforts of the sinful nature we were born with, we can sit in quietness, enabling a peace in our minds that defy all outside influences; unaffected by death, disease, or destructive natures.

And we stop seeking self-fulfillment and self-protection because we gain an supernatural peace that there is Someone who can do the job so much better because He is so much more capable.

Then the impact of what was given on that Cross so many years ago impacts us like a ton of bricks, and we realize that there is nothing any man could've done to give us that.

And we realize there is indeed a God.

Not one of manly construction, not one capable of manipulation, and not one who is only made up of love as man defines it but so much more than a simple explanation of love.

And we find love beyond measure, peace above the struggle, and hope that endures any frightening storm.

We find God.

And we realize He's been waiting for us to turn around and look.

Whitewashing the realization of a broken world.

"In My wrath I will unleash a violent wind, and in My anger hailstones and torrents of rain will fall with destructive fury. I will tear down the wall you have covered with whitewash and will level it to the ground so that its foundation will be laid bare. When it falls, you will be destroyed in it; and you will know that I am the LORD." Ezekiel 13:13-14 (NIV)

God is love. Forget who you were, you are made a new creature and the old has passed away into the forgotten realm of the past. God loves you so much that He wants you to be happy and content, blessed in abundance untold, and overflowing with good tidings. All you have to do is change the way you think and all will be well with life.

Until the first storm comes raging through your world; a child dies from a cancer that suddenly appears, a parent is killed in a building destroyed by terrorists, whole countries abandoned to the rages of war and disease, or (to borrow a phrase) LIFE happens.

And we become embittered, broken, and angry people who once worshipped a God who we thought loved us enough that anything we experienced would be easily deflected by the knowledge that His plans were not to harm us, but to prosper us. We have been told that by mighty and spiritual leaders in those moments that we sat in the comfortable seats in the mega auditorium of the 'local' church. And we believed it, because we don't need to know God any better than that.

But with love, comes wrath. With righteousness, comes indignation. With holiness, comes anger. The incomplete picture that we allow ourselves to have of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob brings us to our knees not in prayerful joy and peace, but in indignation and anger to a God that would allow such events to flatten the world we know and to bring such sorrow into a heart already burdened.

The church has whitewashed the walls of a crumbling theology of "Love, Love, Love" and an immediate gratification world for its members. It promotes the God of Love to the seekers already sorrowed by a world gone mad, by issues and causes that seem empty in their effectiveness, and wars that ravage the population it surrounds. They tone down the heaviness of fighting against our sinful nature, ignore the wrath and judgment of God, and connect with a shallow standoffish attitude to the reality of life with painful experiences, and past conflict.

Then comes a violent wind, a parent who loves God and has brought his children up the same way dies of cancer---- not in a few years, but within days of diagnosis. Then comes hailstones within that wind; a child of three temporarily out of sight of her parents is abducted and killed by a family friend. And in rages the heavy rain; the job that you clung to in an increasingly competitive job market is lost right as you face foreclosure on your home or eviction from your apartment.

And you are destroyed; your faith a joke upon the cosmic landscape of the universe.

You rage against God and the lies that seem so real yesterday.

You turn your back upon God and say 'No thanks, if this is the best You can do.'

The structurally unsound, whitewashed walls of your life collapse on the ground, broken and ruined beyond all repair.

And as you lie strewn across the broken, battered, and utter devastation that once was your life, your heart cries out more loudly, more insistently "There MUST be something more than this!"

If you listen hard to the silence that endures there, you will hear His voice. If you stand still within the once proud example of your faith and listen, He will talk to you.

"I am the LORD." His voice will whisper in the ache of your soul, "Come and feel My comfort; abide in the peace that circumstances cannot control. My love will carry you home, My strength will allow you to endure when you cannot endure."

Beyond all human understanding, our faith will carry us home. Beyond all reasoning by secular means, we have the key to peace in troubled waters.

If we would only truly believe in the complete God, instead of a fashioned idol of our own making.

When I get where I'm going.......

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body." Romans 8:18–23

"It won't always be this way," I told my son last week as he was emotionally distraught over the events and trials that our family is undergoing. "As God promises us a better future, I pledge to you that this too shall pass." Later, as I was struggling to pray with the Father, I wondered if I had given my son a pipe dream. In a way, I guess I did. As Dr. Larry Crabb says, "There is something seriously wrong with EVERYTHING!"

I have buried my father some ten plus years ago, my step-mother who raised me and has the status of mother in my heart died a year after he did, and I have been to my grandmother's funeral less than three months ago. My family wasn't the best of families; my father married several times and always seemed to end them in infidelity. My birth mother, still alive, and I have a estranged relationship because I am more my step-mother's son than hers. I have been in a cycle before I became an honest child of Christ and the life struggles that I've gone through since receiving the Call have been brutal, painful, and frightening.

I have discovered, in the maturation process, that being a Christian doesn't mean that things become rosy from the moment you give your heart to Christ contrary to the popular church doctrine that seems to fly across the pulpit today. Life is broken, harsh, and in opposition to what our designed purpose is. Mature Christians don't become wealth, wise, and joyful in a life that seems to have their best interests in mind. Death of loved ones still occurs, struggles with the poisons and addictions of this world's current 'ruler' happen with alarming regularity, and happiness is, to borrow a phrase, "a state of mind."

Those momentary glimpses that we have; those happy, content, joyful, and rewarding moments that come in the form of a newborn child, a raise in a job that brings us some fulfillment of our human desire to matter, and in the touch of a loved one are just that….glimpses into a future promised, paid for, and approaching. And it is that most of the "Spiritual" amongst us can point to despite the raging storms that affect even their lives. This is but a taste of the reality of being made perfect in righteousness and truth. It is that sip of water in a desert of no end.

Creation was set against man from the Fall, to work against us in the natural desire of man to control his world. That is why I fail to be alarmed by the incorrect warnings of a global warming…..anybody in Michigan will tell you that it doesn't seem to be a problem here. Ask the folks in Ohio who are digging out from two feet of snow that was dumped on them in the past few days. Now, that isn't to say that I don't agree that we should work a bit more to maintain this world we've been given. I just don't think purchasing offsets to a 'carbon contribution' to this fictional global warming is the way to do it.

The day will come when, as the song goes, "I will shed the sin and struggles I've carried all these years." When we arrive upon the destination all pilgrims of the Christ journey to, we will shed all the dead weight of the world and will see the pain of loved ones lost redeemed in the smiling faces waiting our arrival. And all the joys, temporary happiness, and pleasing things will pale by comparison to the realization of the hope that sustained us in the times of trial, tribulation, sorrow, and pain.

The Heavenly Father, CEO of the biggest adoption agency in the universe, will approve the application made by our Lord Jesus Christ to make the adoption into the family permanent and binding, and we will be given the bodies that were made to be lived in from the dawn of creation.

And that thirst, that each of us have, will be fulfilled. With the floodgates of living water.

The journey to "Find God"

I have started to read "Finding God" by Dr. Larry Crabb as part of my discipling class that I have been attending. Even the "Inside Out" book that Dr. Crabb wrote that this is a 'lost final chapter' of didn't prepare me for the connection between what he writes and the thirst of my soul. I would probably bring this all under the verse he uses to begin this personal journey of finding God.

Hebrews 11:6 "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

We forget too often that the Bible is not some tome of age old wisdom, stagnant in its revealing truths and mind numbing logic. We forget that the writers of the books contained within were real, and were touched by God's own spirit to write His words to the generations to follow. We look to theologians and seminary trained leaders to guide us in the wisdom that lies weeping upon its pages when all we need is to remember what it is to be Christ-followers. Seeking our Abba Father's face, that intimate knowledge to know Him and love Him. The 'traditional' church, expressed in the pages of the New Testament books, taught us that our purpose is to glorify God, to please Him, and to enjoy the blessings that are of Him forever. We have strayed into running the church according to our revelations and forgetting God's.

The modern church is attractive and powerful to the seekers and the developing faithful. We gaze upon our westernized Christianity as an thing to be dressed up and made attractive so that passersby on the street will stop to window shop and potentially come inside to buy into the gospel of love and acceptance of a turnstile God, who is standing still, turning us around as we allow. We don't hear in those 'hallowed' hallways of fine carpet and cushy seats that God is 'no respecter of persons." In the backdrop of hardships, suffering, and extreme distress we are taught to find the 'healing' power of God to make our world more comfortable and pleasant, a recreation of the Garden from whence we were bodily tossed righteously on our butts. We learn that God is there for us, not us for Him.

And, for too many within the Body of Christ, when those hardships and suffering does not pass like a bad dream, our faith lies crushed upon the floor of those same churches and God is grieved by the disservice done. Our church, created for Kingdom purpose, has become a house of our own self-serving gospels of limited passions.

In this intense struggle over the situation ruling my life's focus, I have slowly learned that the passions that are part of my humanity; the desire to be happy and the desire to influence my environment to that pursuit, are going to always be part of who I am as a broken, sinful human being. But there is hope; not a hope that will have to wait until the other side of heaven, but a hope for today. That my passion to know God deeper and more intimately can be realized step by step in the midst of hardship and pain. In fact, it is that pain that I can use to grow closer to the Abba Father.

And I have plenty of pain and hardship in my life that gives me a wellspring to wander into the desert seeking my God.

As I slowly unwrap the gaudy clothing that I have wound around myself in an effort to protect myself from the pain of a sinful world, I find myself not cutting myself off from God but Him drawing nearer as I realize that my comfortable world isn't meant to mean anything if I don't realize that it means nothing to God….He is no respecter of persons. But in that realization that I am nothing before God and He gives me meaning to Himself, I find the sound theology that Christ Himself told of.

I hope that this speaks something to someone. And I hope that you will go and get Crabb's book "Finding God." Although it is but a tool in which to realize the potential and truth of walking with God, it is a great read in which to reflect upon.

In Christ,
JIM

Faith

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)

According to the New International Version bible that I have, in the commentary section, faith "needs an object and the proper object of genuine faith is God." Not for the first time, I am left feeling that something different is coming from this verse, not what the theologians in their studies have touched upon. Dr. Larry Crabb talks of this verse being the jumping point of his journey in "Finding God", his book that I am studying with the discipling group.

Faith, according to the American Heritage Dictionary (2nd college edition c1975 rev'd), is "a confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence. Loyalty to a person or thing; allegiance. Belief and Trust in God. Religious conviction. A system of religious beliefs. A set of principles or beliefs." In the Japanese bible, faith is defined as "Believe and look up." While I believe that the first definition captures the essence of what faith is to me, I would narrow it down to a person rather than an idea or thing. But it seems that the church has taught us that God is more of a thing, or even an idea, that a person.

Faith is alluded to, mentioned, or written one-hundred and six times in the reference guide I used. Sure Faith is spoken of in Psalm 34:8, " O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him." (Amplified version). The frailty of human faith is referenced in Luke 22:31-38, "I have prayed especially for you [Peter], that your [own] faith may not fail; and when you yourself have turned again, strengthen and establish your brethren…… When I sent you out with no purse or [provision] bag or sandals, did you lack anything?" (Amplified version).

In 1 Timothy 1:19, Paul speaks of faith being sent to the rocks, leaving hope shipwrecked….." By rejecting and thrusting from them [their conscience], some individuals have made shipwreck of their faith. (AMP)" These are only a few of the references to faith. Faith is a topic that is as widely disagreed upon as it is discussed. Some claim that faith is a work based system brought on by salvation, others a legalistic methodology, and the emergent imagery is faith is personal, unique, and that will get us to heaven.

A friend of mine, Garry, wrote about faithfulness (the act of living faith) on his website: http://men2menministries.blogspot.com/2008/02/faithfulness.html I would check it out. But two verses he referenced stood out to me, for different reasons than what he quoted them for.

"Since we are surrounded by so many examples of faith, we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially sin that distracts us. We must run the race that lies ahead of us and never give up."(Hebrews 12:1) Version unknown. I can live this verse, being surrounded by the mighty spiritual men that I gather with once a month in a discipling class, and every other month in a men's study class. Faith is not only an individual expression but is bound by noticeable and definable boundaries that are common to all.

But, and I guess this is my point for today, there is a solid, logical, and unmovable expression of what faith is for each of us who call Christ our King. It was sent to me via the Worthy Ministries email/devotion for today:

One day a passerby saw a homeless man on the roadside. He stopped for a moment to hand him some loose change and casually said "God bless you, my friend”.
"I thank God," said the homeless man, "I am never unhappy."
"What do you mean?" the passerby asked.
"Well," he said, "when the sun is out, I thank God -- when it rains, I thank God. When I am full, I thank God and when I am hungry, I thank God. And, since God's will is my will, and whatever pleases Him pleases me, why should I say I am unhappy when I am not?"
The man looked at him in astonishment and asked, “Who are you?”
"I am a King," said he.
"Where, then, is your Kingdom?" asked the man.
"In my heart." The homeless man replied.

Faith is the expectation of what we yet cannot see, the realization of the temporariness of what we have to endure, and the hope that wells within our hearts no matter the raging storms outside. We live, in faith, the realization of God's promise:

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." (Isaiah 40:10 Ver. Unknown)

Digging with a purpose.......

“Isaac reopened the wells that had been dug back in the days of his father Abraham, for the Philistines had stopped them up after Abraham died. Isaac gave these wells the same names his father had given them. When Isaac's servants dug in the valley and discovered a well with fresh flowing water there…” (Genesis 26:18-19 NET.)

At the gathering today, with the other men that have been called to a higher discipling and training, I spend my time wondering again what my purpose and inclusion within this group of giants could possibly give to the group. That is the reason why I sit amongst them, because I don’t feel like I belong. Not because of any indication from the men gathered, but due to my own wounded past and the deep valley that I find myself walking in now.

Dr. Crabb talked today about broken cisterns and the well of living water. And how we, as foolish people, seek to wander away from God’s well to dig our own, which are incapable of handling the water we pour in them. We know where to gain the most sustaining water, yet we rely too often on our own digging ability to try and achieve a quenching on our own. Sounds like foolishness to our ears when we hear it, but not when we’re sweating from our own attempt.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do is to ‘dig’ into my father’s past. Hard because the people that would give me voice to the parts of his life I do not know are either gone or bitterly opposed to portraying him realistically for the full realization of his story. And harder still, because I have found that I can look into his past by uncovering my own wounds, those broken cisterns of my life. The man I once was is the man my father had become. And as I wander the broken landscape of my life, I hear whispers of the man my father was meant to be.

The same names can be given to those cisterns, the deep holes incapable of giving life-sustaining water poured from the waterskins of my own woundedness, as my father had learned or didn’t ever realize were the results of his wounds his father had unintentionally given him. In reopening the wells that my father had dug, I find the story of his life reawakened. And I find a surprise that I think my father did not realize was even there; a well of fresh flowing water, a deep spring of life affirming water.

Am I to be the man that my father was? Or can I redeem the story that has continued through the generations and understand my past while changing my future?

Will I be a ‘foolish’ son that turns his back upon the very source of answers that I seek or will I dive into the murky and hidden dangers that such water holds, sure of one thing and one thing only: that this is where the source of quenching this uneasy and conflicting thirst lies…just underneath the stagnant surface?


Will I move into the painful experiences of my past that have wrought the realistic hurts of my present with the fear and trepidation that comes from my all too human desire to not know pain? One of the things I have grown weary of hearing is, “It is perfectly understandable to……” act the way I do, respond the way I do, or even sorrow the way I do; given the circumstances that I find myself dealing with. And yet, to commonly respond to common situations isn’t what I want to do. Christ didn’t respond the way that we should think, being well-versed in the responses of fallen, broken human beings should, but in a supernatural and spiritually pure way that is contrary to all we hold dear.

He didn’t dig his own cisterns even though He had more chance of doing it right than we could ever do, but in His fully human form, He responded by relying on the deep spring waters found in His father’s wells…..buried by the Pharisees of the day. And, He didn’t rename them according to His desires but kept the names given by His father, making new the things of old. In His fully human form, He showed us how to rely upon the story told of His father.

I don’t know if I am making sense, or if I am only sounding vague and uncertain in what I feel led to write today. I am conflicted, sorrowed, and weary. But even in the midst of my desert experience that I have seemed to journey on for forty years of my spiritual life, I know that there is a source—seemingly hidden under the ground that will feed the wells that have been dug by my father in his journey before me.

They will sustain me in this dry time, in the search for the quenching of my spiritual thirst. And I cannot know the location of the wells already dug unless I journey into the past of my father’s story and retrace his steps that I have unconsciously walked in blind to its deadly destination.

I will dig………not for a place to put the water of my own substance. That would be to pour what little of my joy into the thirsty sands of a desert bent on my own destruction. For this land is ruled by the one that would have me parched and withered.

No…..

I will dig in the places of my father’s wells, not seeking to uncover temporary water but rather the source of the wells themselves. The sustaining and life-giving spring of my heavenly Father.

I will dig with a purpose.

And a hope............that springs eternal.