'I once was blind, but now I see.'
One of the greatest songs I have ever heard was properly reverenced and 'updated' by an contemporary artist, who joined it with another great 'classic' in the young mind of this person, to honor a man of God in the movie "Amazing Grace". The song still brings me to tears, whether the older version or the two contemporary updates that I have heard by Chris Tomlin and Casting Crowns. It is a lifelong song that will always bring me back to the moment of my greatest personal loss and my greatest personal gain.
My salvation.
It has been a long journey, getting from there to here. In answering a simple call, a simple plea. It was much much quicker going the other way....avenues wide as a city mile and darkness darker than a subway tunnel....utter absence of any light. It was much easier, indeed, to destroy a promised life than it was to give it away. In a way, my father was a bit prophetic when he said I would be unfit to any other job but that of a garbage collector and only then....if they felt sorry for me. The easy part was to fulfill that statement.....the hardest was realizing it was said in pain, through a hurtful experience I doubt he even realized, and that it was not true.
But I answered the call 'home' four and a half years ago now. Much of what I thought would change was retained and repurposed....much of what I thought I would gain was taken, either a victim of the brutal unforgiving culture or a casuality upon the battlefields. I am now not the man I was, haven't come close to the man I thought I was becoming and am surprised at the man that I am told I am purposed to be................
In that journey, that will continue as long as my steps walk upon this world, began one February 14th with a whisper of "Come home" and has been fraught with suffering, redeeming, and loss as I have realized that I cannot 'hold' on to anything in this world, am far too imperfect to demand perfection in others, and have only one redeeming 'quality' that will always be with me......I am a Beloved son, loved beyond any reasonable measure and called to voice the triumph of my Father in kinship with my Savior and King, Jesus Christ.
It didn't end with a call to ministry which is yet to be fulfilled, not because of desire...but because it is not yet God's time to send me.
It seems so long ago that I finally accepted a brother's invitation to attend 'another men's meeting', stepping outside the boundaries of 'comfortable' Christianity to pursue this awakening of desire to know what and how to be a Godly man.....and to this day I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for not only my brother-in-Christ's persistense of inviting me to the meeting but also the friendship and brotherhood which I feel for him beyond any friendship I have truly known....mostly because I was afraid of being who I was. I thought then that this was a resting spot in my journey.....surely God would let me bask in the comfortable meetings of the larger group of men.....forming friendships of such proportions as the one I've mentioned, gaining good and solid meat in which to ponder over as one savors a juicy steak, and becoming a man in pursuit of God......It wasn't the first time I would be wrong.
My brother invited me to take another 'step' in this newly discovered pathway in the greater journey yet to be written by human hands but known by the Father to whom all eventually will come; either through the grace and mercy of His only Begotten Son Jesus or through their own life-ending and torment-filled judgment that God will pass upon those who reject His Son. But all will stand before Him to be judged. I went to the 'story weekend' with this brother and a group of other men....to tell a simple story, I figured. A tale to delight, intrigue, and horrify those gathered. Another lesson I've learned since I started this journey four years ago, God (in His wisdom) has often other plans than my own intentions that always work out for His glory, His ultimate plan.
Another misstated truth from my father's life that he passed down to me was proven wrong in the face-to-face gathering on that weekend a few years ago in the 'wilds' of Canada upon the shores of Lake Michigan; that real men don't cry. I opened my mouth to speak the well-rehearsed story and broke down into deep, sorrowful sobs. And from that broken heart, the true story of a man was told....and a turn in the path occurred through the blurred vision. A turning to that which I sought; Godly manhood.
Yet another step in the journey happened several months later, as my soon-to-be ex-wife and I went to the shores on the western side of Michigan to sit down with other couples in a marriage retreat. Most of the couples were younger, both in age and in their marriages, but all were there to learn how to have a Godly-inspired marriage between a Godly man and a Godly woman. When the leader of the retreat asked me if my wife and I would participate in the group exercise...again, I figured the best place to open up and was again surprised by God in the revision. Opening deep areas to my wife, I exposed wounds of my own past.....another part of the story told, and another shift in direction of the path this journey is taking me upon......
An invitation to a group developing leaders for men was surprising and inspiring.
But then things happened that were unexpected and unplanned. As I worked (and am still working towards) being a Godly-husband, man, and father.....decisions were made by those involved that would forever alter the course and the companionship for the future. And exposed yet more things that I'd rather would have stayed hidden in the depths of my soul but am understanding was simply the Father's nudge to greater relationship with Him, preparing me better for that call yet unfulfilled but never diminished. Some newly acquired friends developed misinformed theologies and paths were separated. Attempts to 'right' the ship of family were systematically thwarted and destroyed. Upon the brink of utter failure, I wondered where God was.
Another lesson learned; grasping all that you hold dear is simply another way to lose them. Unlearned throughout all the years of my life spent doing just that. Trying to hold on to what I had been 'lucky' enough to hoard.
Waking up a few Fridays ago, facing yet another day in which failure was eminent and depression was worn like a suit of clothes, I stayed still.....and looked to my Father for answers. And I then made my own prophetic utterance......."God, show me that You truly love me. I am helpless in this sea, battered by the winds of trials, and going down. For the sake of Your son...me...show me Your strength, mercy, and love."
I've said before; Be careful what you ask for..........
That Friday call from a friend of a friend of a friend and the gifting of a blessing much needed.....in a major way...that Saturday speaking with another unknown who decided in my favor.....that Sunday night speaking with yet another unknown who decided to give me grace......
One would believe that such things were enough to show me that God loves me, inspires me, and has His plan in place and on track for me.......
But, God (in His wisdom) was not yet done flexing His muscles........
A dear friend called to say that someone in another state wanted to bless me and though I've yet to receive the blessing being sent, I know it will be what God impressed upon them to do to honor Him. And a brother again stepped out in faith and ensured the closing deal on God's answer to my prayerful cry...........
The mountains in front of me are bigger than the ones I've already traversed. The times that I thought I was out of the wilderness and on carpeted forest ground were proven illusions, temporary and mistaken. I dare not rest, at least in terms of the miles yet to be travelled in this life....but I have found that which God wanted me to realize......
I rest in His love and His provision....and go forth under His watchful eyes to a future yet unwritten and places yet to go.......without a backpack, without a tent, and without a care….because God loves me, has made provision for me, and will not have His will and His plan thwarted by anyone…including myself.
I just wanted to try and articulate to those prayer warriors who have stood in this journey with me; showering blessings upon me by lifting my prayer requests up to the Father for His attention and disposition. There is no greater love that I have felt between my brothers and sisters in Christ than this...........
To those who have given a blessing of a financial nature, timely and just perfect for the need.....I wish I could articulate the humility you showed me and the grace by which you provided the lesson you were meant to give.
To those who continue to stand upon bended knee and bowed heads.....continue to lift to God the needs of those who in need of all things; salvation, grace, love, mercy, and peace.
A fork in the road, I have arrived at. There are many paths; some well groomed, some widely expassive, and some beautifully appointed. I have a choice to journey any of these.....but I think I'll chose that path which seems not much more than a hole in the trees....
Care to join me?
May the blessings of God fall like rain upon your life, filling your cup to overflowing.
Till the journey's end, when we shall all gather under the Throne of Glory and tell the story of our wonderful trip to our Father's house….
Thank you my brothers and sisters...
James Hutson and family.
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