Tuesday, February 19

Learning under the mentoring of God......

"It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes." —Psalm 119:71(NIV)

It seems sometimes, when I look over the vastness of life, that I will never know the rest of the faithful or the peace of the forgiven because of the oscillation that I go through in my struggles. Sometimes I think God rolls His eyes in frustration at me when I argue the point so passionately with Him and still don't see the purpose behind the storm, the trial, the afflictions, and the pain. He merely points to the cross, that symbol of man's greatest shame and greatest salvation, and I fall to my knees again in abject apology for my arrogance and presumption.

"I am tired of God breaking me upon the mantle of this world," I muttered to someone the other day, "To have to constantly deal with heartache, another sorrow, and another pain…..I'm tired. I'm weak and I am useless." Usually, after slamming my poor body against the wall in front of me, I find myself heaving with exhaustion and aches looking at the door encased in the wall that is unlocked and slightly ajar. "Here," God says, "Is what I wanted you to see."

Sometimes the wall remains.

I expressed my frustration to someone regarding their silence and alienation to a friendship that was once held so dear. I told them that I would rather know what caused it, this falling off, than to develop a hatred for the love that I have for them. They spoke, confirming some things and pointing out wrong assumptions on others. And, though the relationship isn't healed by far, I can walk away with my love for them secure and maybe even matured.

All of these things, from the alienation of my old Home Church to the struggles at work, home, and relationally, are for God's glory-----not mine. All of this pain, not my choice, but His. And I find myself at the breaking point over and over again……stretched out over the altar of God, fearing the dropping of the sacrificial knife, and finding myself redeemed, restored, and renewed.

I don't know if I'll ever pastor in a church, but I know I will impact lives wherever God allows me to serve.

I don't know if I'll ever have peace according to the standards of the world, but I know I will have hope.

I don't know if I'll ever have joy according to my desires, but I know I will serve gladly in whatever capacity I am called in the body.

I may never get what I think I want, but I know I will never have what I don't need. I will never know riches, unless it is to richly bless others. I will not gain stature and fame, unless it is for God's glory. And I will stand before the White Throne of Judgment without fear, because I know I will have done my best to know and follow God's decrees.

In the struggles, without me even realizing consciously that it was occurring, I find myself closer and closer to God in understanding that His ways aren't mine and that's a good thing………..

Cause mine only cause me trouble…….

In the dark of night, with danger all around and fear riding upon my shoulders, I shall not be moved.

Because God is there.

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