Thinking on things

“Keep thinking about things above, not things on the earth, for you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ (who is your life) appears, then you too will be revealed in glory with him. So put to death whatever in your nature belongs to the earth: sexual immorality, impurity, shameful passion, evil desire, and greed which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath of God is coming on the sons of disobedience. You also lived your lives in this way at one time, when you used to live among them. But now, put off all such things as anger, rage, malice, slander, abusive language from your mouth. Do not lie to one another since you have put off the old man with its practices and have been clothed with the new man that is being renewed in knowledge according to the image of the one who created it. Here there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all and in all. Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if someone happens to have a complaint against anyone else. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also forgive others. And to all these virtues add love, which is the perfect bond. Let the peace of Christ be in control in your heart (for you were in fact called as one body to this peace), and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and exhorting one another with all wisdom, singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, all with grace in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Colossians 3:2-17 NET

It has been an amazing week so far, since I opened my email account on Sunday and discovered the email that I had posted on a previous blog entry labeled “Judgment.” I’ve since taken it away because it offended the person who had sent it, who intended it to be a private, personal email. I am respecting his wishes, although the argument that caused me to post it on the blog for everyone to read was his comment that he wondered what my family, friends, and congregation would say if they knew I had a son, Malcolm, that is sixteen years old and whom I had not seen since he was twelve weeks old.

Most of you knew of Malcolm and encouraged me, some did not.

But the response is one that has been the staple and common of all my Christian friends for whom faith is not a matter of utterance but a way of life. When the opportunity comes to have a reunion with my son after the building of a relationship with him, it is people such as my family, friends and congregation that I would love to stand before and present Malcolm to. As for the circumstances or situations that existed back when Malcolm was born, does it matter? Surely there are some deviations on both sides of the situation and there are sorrowful things on each side to share and lay claim to. Those who are deep in relationship with me know of those things to which I claim.

As for the others involved, that is for them to tell or keep silent on. I am not going to bear malice, anger, rage, slander or abuse towards anyone, even if (as it so happened) such was given to me.

I cannot make a judgment upon a person I do not know, I cannot perceive the qualities or the desires of another. That is for God to discern and lay judgment to, not me.

For I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind but now I see.

I was once a person whom anger, rage, slander, malice and self-interest served as god. Where I was quickly and decisively prone to take the easy way that was offered out; whether in this circumstance or in life itself.

Some of you know of the testimony I have shared in this blog, some in person.

There are those who would claim to know me simply by reading this blog…….and would make claims of shallowness and hypocrisy. Unless you have walked in my shoes and bore the situations in which I’ve walked, there can be no deep understanding only shallow assumptions.

Though I am a new creature in the eyes of God, forgiven and redeemed, it is not a transformation that frees me to erase or deny the mistakes and choices of my past but rather a transformation where the past is brought into the redeeming light and love of God.

I can understand the anger and hatred, the animosity and villainous feelings that such a situation brings to bear upon all those involved; those who feel slighted, those who feel abandoned and those who feel maligned. Does that free me up to respond in kind?

I would say that it doesn’t, even if I fail to respond perfectly in the light of Christ. Rather, I should respond and walk in mercy, kindness, humility and gentleness with patience towards everyone and begging for forgiveness before I can even tender the forgiveness myself.

Most of you who know me, really and truly know me, beyond the limitations that exists in the ‘electronic’ community of Facebook and my blog, who have engaged me in the level of relationship that shows all the cracks and ugliness, the depravity of old nature and the promise of new……those few, these bands of brotherhood, can understand the sincerity of my writings and the truthfulness of my intentions.

You have seen me at the worst and held me accountable for what God has made new, you have struggled with me in the trenches of this world and bled with me as I have dealt with the wounds of my own past and face the consequences of my decisions and actions.

The mountains have been high and the valleys deep.

For those of you who don’t, I welcome you to this part of the journey and look forward to hearing your voices as we gather around the campfire at night and discuss those things that burn upon your heart. Though I may not have a pat answer or one that satisfies your demands, I will always answer, for as you will come to know and those who gather here for a time already know, I don’t hide anything, even my broken humanity.

That is probably why I don’t serve on some lofty staff position in a church or promote the Gospel in a mega-site ministry.

It is probably why, as I step into the work that God has enticed me to do, I do so with fear and trepidation…..simply because there is so much to do and I am a simple sinner redeemed, unworthy of such work. It is not my glory that I pursue or impact, but God’s. That is a dangerous thing to impinge upon, for God is a jealous and wrathful God.

I am a simple man, enticed by God to join Him in the work He has begun; in me, through me and around me…….discipled by the Holy Spirit……and saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.

I am the father of Malcolm, Casey and Sara by His grace.

I am thankful to see my prayers answered that Malcolm has been blessed by step-dads that desire to see him become a good and honest man, brought up by a mother that has nurtured and kept them whole and healthy.

I take no part in that honor that should be imparted to them, for they did an amazing thing from what I have learned through the discussions via text with my oldest son.

I cannot claim that title of ‘dad’ yet, for I have not earned such a designation. I am the father of Malcolm and hope to be Dad to him someday. Only time and the building of this relationship will tell if that prayer will bear fruit or not.

But the journey has begun……

That is the man I have become and the father I hope to be.

To a point……

"Many shall be purified, and made white, and tried" Daniel 12:10

My hands don't open anymore at the end of outstretched arms as the overwhelming power and joy of worshipping the Lord with fellow believers crashes in waves of cascading water over my being as the music plays; whether old or new, traditional or contemporary worship. It doesn't matter. The burden of this place seems too much for such extravagances.

I tossed the application that I was working on for Moody Theological Seminary-Michigan simply because the journey of six years that I have spent advancing towards that goal seems self-serving anymore and it would seem, as I watch the world of Christianity develop around me that either the rejection of the body in the pursuit of this 'perceived purpose' is correct or the anointing or 'hand of God' in the Spirit upon me has been lost or removed, too tarnished by my struggles and trials to be seen as it once was.

I grow so tired.

It is said that such defeat is a sure sign that I do not have to fear falling into the pharisaical danger of self-righteousness, where there is no conviction of sin and the piercing arrows of God's angel-flung and barbed discipline bounce off the self-protective armor that encases the soul. Others would say that it's a sure sign that God's redemption and salvation aren't realized in this life I live and therefore it is my sinfulness that creates a barrier in finding the peace, restoration and joy that comes from being 'one of the family.'

Satan is given the authority, no matter how he may have usurped its ownership, upon this world and the people who live upon it because we have separated ourselves in the sinfulness of humanity from the possibility of relationally being present within the holiness and righteousness of God. That is why the barrier, the curtain, existed between the world seen and the Holy of Holies. That is why sacrifices and atonements in the Old Testament where so meticulously written out, step by step, so that mankind's reckless decline could be restrained and reset. Satan continues to fight against this, even in this place, leading mankind into sin to abandon us there where we no longer feel the presence of God and are broken upon the mountain of our own despair and desolation. This is where Satan tries to defeat the purposes of God in the anointing of His calling (whether a testimony at work or a lead pastor in a church) by the silence of our own foolish self-righteousness. And when we blunder past temptation's warnings and into the dark despair of sin, we complete Satan's efforts by the self-destruction of our meager faith.

No matter how many times we have done so in the past, we reach that point where we fear to seek the pardon for our sinful waywardness because we see ourselves approaching the white throne of judgment and hearing that sigh; that mournful, sorrow-filled sigh of a Savior who can only say…."I offered Myself as an atonement for your sins, a fragrance pleasing and acceptable before the Father….but you've tipped that cup one too many times."

We condition those in the body to such conceptions; unwillingly and unknowingly certainly in many congregations and fellowships that span the whole of the family of God. Unfortunately, too, is the bitter realization in the fact that there are those who willingly enforce that doctrine to the point of theological acceptance and crucify those that are pierced by sin's commission.

We don't want to be involved in someone's life to the point of full and unhindered admittance; there are some things we would not want to be burdened with or have knowledge of because then we would be faced with the burden of trying to unconditionally loving and holding to account, picking up and carrying our brethren when a fall comes or a temptation is surpassed by the darkness of sin. We don't want to be that burdened where a faithful and spiritually mature member of the family either falls or questions their faith, crushed and despaired by the evilness of the attacks that come from the evil one as a matter of fact and regularity like the weather. We want simple right and wrong in the relationships of our lives, whether personal or congregational, and despair of the messiness that lies in full involvement. We want to deal with others…….to a point.

Why, we see others who struggle in the daily simplicity of life; financially, spiritually or morally as beggars before the righteousness of the throne; their pitiful moanings of self-abasement as unwelcomed and undesired as mud on our favorite leather shoes or cow manure on our tennis shoes that cost us a week's pay. We listen to the testimonies of these beggars and are dismayed, listening as we do for the 'touch' of God within them, and miss the utter agony of their condition; broken and utterly lost in the realization of their despair. After all, we of the Church teach that in the beginning of the Christian life is where we come to an utter realization of our need for a Savior and everything else afterwards is a 'uphill' journey towards the righteousness of Christ cloaked upon our sinful old nature like new clothes. It is up to us, after this 'covering' whether or not we get them dirty.

We simplify the verse that says once we call upon Christ's salvation, the old nature is gone and the new is alive.

And introduce into the 'acceptable' image that 'shows' salvation outward appearances of superior faith, whole belief and complete subservience of self to the Cause. We then sit back in Church, that we've driven to in our nice leased vehicle having hurried through the neighborhoods where cars still sit parked in the driveways and children stop running after the basketball that has bounced out in the street to let you pass. We meet with those who we know and enjoy, occasionally wandering out of our 'comfort' zones to engage someone else….definitely smiling to those who are new to our fellowship. We engage in the social gathering before and after the service…….to a point.

After all, there are things to do; family, friends, and even outreach programs.

I have carried myself in this endeavor to find and fellowship with Christ as far as I can. I give up, I am tired and I have nothing more to convince or convict myself with. I have used all the knives and condemned all the flesh.

And find nothing has changed.

I have come to a point…..and the uttermost of the unseen, unknowable and unrealized brings me to my knees because I can no longer stand with the trembling that consumes them.

The tears of my pain, the moaning of my sorrows, the depths of my despair that once poured from my soul have come upon the silence of their continuance where no longer can my ears hear them because they have faded into the background noise and are as common as my rising and falling asleep for the nourishment of my physical body.

I have come to a point where I am beyond tired. Exhaustion haunts my being.

I can only beg God to take my heart, a heart that I thought I had freely given to Him, as brutally as necessary to make it His own as I have uttered so much in the past that it was. I can only weep with the despair of my own weak, unchristlike self that cannot be kept pure for His sake, no matter how much I try. The lips have expressed the poverty of my sinfulness while my soul puffs up with its own conceit of superior humility and exalted righteousness. In the efforts of my own good works, done for the glory and purpose of the kingdom in as much as I can do so, I have found nothing sustaining in their efforts or rewarding in their commission. Because most of them were done with expectations of family ownership and not in a brokenness that relied on a power born outside the fullness of self.

All I am, all I thought I could be have come to a point…………

Humiliated, heart-broke and condemned, I hear Nathan's declaration to David….."You ARE THAT MAN."

I have reached a point…….

Where the quick, temporary and uttered brokenness of my old nature that has trumped the new is no longer an effective balm of soothing peace and comfort. Where the uttering of my 'purpose' is conceived to be for the development and discipling from others to be achieved. Where the works I do in the context of my faith lie barren upon the soil that was developed for the substance of others.

I have come to a point where I behold Christ and see nothing beyond my own weakness, poverty and defect that is as real as my physical body. Lost and hopeless, clad in the filth and grime of my own sinfulness and old nature that brings the utter devastation to my soul….I cannot be saved, love or cherished because I am too far gone into sin.

I have come to a point where, in the harsh light of Christ's purity I can see the glaring blackness of my own depravity.

I mourn its appearance, though it has never truly left. In the advancement of my faith, I have come to the point where the utterance of my need for a Savior and the glaring un-entitlement of the sacrifice He gave is too often the focus of my glaze as I slide down the mountainside where I once climbed with foolish abandon. The point where I would rather sacrifice my life than to live or continue in the brokenness of my sin and where I cry upon the altar of the congregation my sinfulness and lack of confidence that I will be able to overcome the self-righteousness of my flesh. Where I claim no righteousness within God's grace and no ability to manipulate His mercy.

I have come to a point where I fear to trust my own strength, fear to withdraw my hand for an instant from Christ's bloody palm and walk even for a moment without His judgment, His authority and His discipline even as I know the truthful honesty of my own pitiful assessment in the holiness of God's glaze that leaves me utterly unable to be worthy of Him.

This life cannot be sustained by myself.

There is a point that Christ reached, in His humanity, that He could no longer carry Himself upon the knowledge that He was doing God's will and that He was well and pleasing in His Father's eyes. He reached a point where no miracle, no sudden blast of holiness and no shout of authority could carry Him anymore. He reached a point where the desire to be what He was called to be could not get Him to the purpose.

In the garden, He broke in sorrow. He reached a point where it was His Father who carried Him.

And as Christ reached the point where the fulfillment of His goal and purpose in becoming fully human while being fully God, and the pain of being rejected, crucified and condemned by those He had come to save infused His mortal flesh and God turned His face from the One He loved for the sake of all those who had wandered away from its embrace and those yet to be born who would do the same…..at that point, all the humanity of His suffering became complete.

And the world stopped……at that point.

The corruption of mankind's sin upon the innocent body of the Lamb was committed.

And Christ overcame its stain through the power of His holy blood.

At that point…….

In that point where I have realized that "in me dwelleth no good thing" (Romans 7:18) I cannot carry the ideal of my purpose, the purity of my calling and the hope of my designed place in the body of Christ.

I cannot hide my depravity, religiousize my brokenness or claim the fullness of restoration.

I can only hide in the rock of this place, in the 'cleft of the rock' as Moses did as the glory of God passes by.

And the love of a Savior reaches a point where I cannot believe but He can prove its existence and make its sustaining redemption felt.

And the exaltation of my soul becomes louder than the sorrow of my heart…..

And in the brokenness and depravity of my old self, the new brings a wellspring of joy because the living of Christ's authority and grace at the absence of my own ability to grasp it, my own skill to realize it, and my own certainty that it is not deserved becomes joined with the despairs of my soul into a song of sorrow and sin that is immersed in the blood of Christ to be a living, breathing and fragrant offering to God.

And I reach that point……

Where it is no longer I who live.