Images of Esther

"[Mordecai said] "If you don't speak up now, we will somehow get help, but you and your family will be killed. It could be that you were made queen for a time like this!" Esther sent a message to Mordecai, saying, "Bring together all the Jews in Susa and tell them to go without eating for my sake! Don't eat or drink for three days and nights. My servant girls and I will do the same. Then I will go in to see the king, even if it means I must die."" (Esther 4:14-16 CEV)

We all have our fascinations with concepts, ideals and even those dreams that are so far beyond the concept of our own reality that we know that they'll never come true even as we reserve that small part of our hearts for the possibility of the impossibility. We want to be policemen, firemen and doctors as we progress through our childhoods, see white picket fences and two car garages with the a-typical two point five kids and a life stretched out before us full of more joy than sorrow, more peace than chaos and more happiness than pain's embracing touch. We conceptualize, idealize and mold the form and function of everything our future will hold; the deep sea-green eyes of our better half, the twinkle of their laughter and the generosity of their profession as well as their bank accounts. After all, the opportunity to experience the American Dream doesn't cost, but its realization does.

Even in the Christian circles, we strategize with our friends and have conversations with our friends about how and what we should look for in a spouse, that significant other that will be the impus of our dreams and the center of our world…..someone who will whisper in the nighttime terrors that all will be alright and who will love you no matter what, no matter how badly things go….someone who will give us value, meaning and life. Some of us are graced with a God who requires other lessons for us to learn than the totality of missing the mark in this vital and necessary part of our lifetime 'goals', finding that one person that is our other half of the complete image of God that He designed marriage to be……..some are blessed to be so deeply in the relationship with God that they are set aside to be single, double-portioned in blessings for the sacrifice they've been called to live…..and others, far too many others, sign on for the 'idealized, secularized and socialized' institution of marriage and ,whether in months or even years, hit that moment in their lives when the windshield is shattered by the projectile of betrayal, mistrust and/or greed and the world they were once so protected against comes rushing into the compartment of our American dream and forever shatters that which was meant to be unbreakable…..we lose more than a piece of ourselves in that destruction, we surrender a piece of the complete image of God….…..there is a reason the bond of marriage were not meant to be broken; our fragile security is only a small part of it; the broken image of God that results is the largest part.

Most of us dream of the Proverbs 31 woman…..a super woman if there ever was one in the biblical text. And these women are in the church pews, in the background working, and in a multitude of other locations being the very essence of God's image of a nurturer and relationship builder…..to their husbands, their families and friends, even the grocery packer at the local market. They take what they have and use it in wonderful and glorious ways….not for a feminist declaration of what a woman can do, but because they have soaked in the presence of God and know His image He has set aside for them to radiate. I have known such women and am amazed at the powerful testimony that stands in the work of their hands and the relationships of their hearts.

But I have discovered that the Proverbs 31 woman isn't for me….the dream of that woman 'made for me' is not such a woman, though the image of such strengths and powers and sacrifices are but part of her……………….and the realization that she may not exactly exists in this world, in this time, has caused an uneasy, uncomfortable realization that I may not be able to ever find someone that will not leave or betray me…..for I am not a simple man, with a simple life, as much as I have been desperate and misleading sometimes in my hope to be.

Life has been a process, a step by step journey. There was no realization when I was young about the 'woman' I wanted to marry. My birth mother had left us at the backdoor entrance of the supermarket on five mile and telegraph (now an AutoZone) after calling our Dad to come get us……we would see her some ten years later for about three or four hours. My mom, step-mother in the parlance of the world, would raise me and my siblings…and be felled by the specter of my father's infidelity. The 'replacement' woman in my father's life would cause more scars and damage than anything else……the only image I had of a real woman for any long term was my grandmother on my father's side……

If I could find a woman like my grandmother, hopelessly devoted to my grandfather (as he was her), and capable as my mother to love children not biologically her own….well, that was enough for me. But quantifying those qualities…that was the kicker. While a Proverbs 31 woman is a wonderful ideal….but there is so much more to the 'woman' of my dreams that is necessary…..that special something that is beyond the scope and breath of Proverbs 31.

No disrespect to that Proverbs 31 woman I have known……she continues to amaze and defy those around her with her strength, compassion and conviction.

I think I realized when that Proverbs woman was gone that I wasn't looking for the 'checklist' type of woman. I was looking for a woman who was designed, shaped and molded by the forges of this world; its sorrows, its joys into a woman impossible for the times……and me. I figured I'd be as capable of finding her as making the Red Sea part on my own.

There was no such thing as a modern-day Esther.

Esther has always fascinated me, not only because it is the only book in the bible that doesn't have God in its story….at least in mentioning Him by name or utterance. It isn't the fact that here was a beautiful woman…..drop-down, awe inspiring, "Helen-of-Troy" trouble kind-of-beautiful woman……who was from humble beginnings that would guide her into the realms of power and influence because of her physical beauty. It isn't the fact that she saved the entire nation of Israel…..under decree to be eliminated because of one man's evil desires.

 

No, these things are the surface that anyone who can read and comprehend can understand about Esther…..a Jewish orphan who became the Queen of one of the greatest Persian Kings of historical times….Xerxes and who is forever attached to a time of Israel's deliverance from destruction……"a star" that shone in the Persian skies. That doesn't take into account her clear judgment, self-control and firm decisiveness that you see a step below the surface as you read one of the greatest sub-stories of love in the tome of the Greatest story of Love……..nor does it take into consideration the simple fact that Esther was a woman of discernment and prompt, deliberate, intentional action.

 

Esther is a woman who may have been expected to live under the context of her beauty and simply protective of her status as Queen, especially seeing how the previous Queen was quickly and quite effectively removed from that position…..but, above the love she felt for the King and the love she had for her life…..she had a connection with God and a determination to be His 'woman for times such as these….'

 

Her uncle tells her what will happen if she turns away and tries to protect herself, and there is no hesitation…….she goes to prayer, immediately……and promises action to be borne from that prayer. Even if the result was that she would die, after setting it right with God, she wouldn't hesitate……and as the story shows, she navigates love, heritage and faith with a complexity borne of discernment and grace through the Persian laws and traditions, bringing about Israel's protection from the genocide and visiting vengeance born of God's hand back upon the one who would have destroyed them…..with the reveal of her heritage and the protection of her love to the King.

 

A complex woman for the times she was needed…..forever linked to one of the most powerful, God-protecting moments in Israel's history…….

 

That is the woman for me. That is my Esther.

 

And, I think I've found her……….

 

 

Walking with a limp

"And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, "Let me go, for the day has broken." But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." And he said to him, "What is your name?" And he said, "Jacob." Then he said, "Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed." Then Jacob asked him, "Please tell me your name." But he said, "Why is it that you ask my name?" And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, "For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered." (Genesis 32:24-30 ESV)

"There is a consistent pattern in Scripture of what happens in a life that God wants to use and improve: there is always a call…….there is always fear……..there is always [God's] reassurance…..there is always a [personal] decision [to obey or not]…..and there is always a changed life." John Ortberg writes in the preface of his book If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat. "Those who say yes to God's call don't walk the walk perfectly ----not by a long shot. But because they say yes to God, they learn and grow even from their failures. And they become part of His actions to redeem the world."

One might ask what Jacob and Ortberg's book have in common; other than the obvious fact that both came from a sister-in-Christ who had cleaned out her library (I grabbed four boxes of books) and spoke these words about Jacob to me while I was there…..it isn't as obvious. I had heard of Ortberg's book from a brother-in-Christ who I had discussed my questioning of whether to commit to the ministry we were both involved in as its mission was developing and maturing or to gracefully bow out and follow another path. He had recommended If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat as some material to use for that decision. But I didn't get it or read it until now.

Chip Ingram's book Good to Great in God's Eyes: 10 practices common to Great Christians has become one of those books that have rocked my world. It seems to follow the common theme that God wants me to understand as I think about the mission field and the direction that God has taken my life. Ingram, President and Teaching Pastor of Living on the Edge ministry, points out some obvious flaws in my walk with God and his "big, hairy, audacious Dream"….."If you're thinking, 'Sure, God does that [gives or clarifies during a moment of crisis] with other people, godly people who have it all together and study their Bible all the time. But I've been divorced twice, I'm hooked on…….' You can fill in the rest with your own issues, whatever they are. The point is that even if your issues are as serious as murder, you're not disqualified."

"Remember what God is doing:" Ingram continues, "He wants to accomplish impossible things through improbable people and to impart exceeding grace to undeserving people."

Enter Jacob and his story in the wealth and rich history that makes God's larger story: the redemption and restoration of His people, humanity, to Him. Jacob, as we know, wasn't the best candidate for brother of the year, father of the century or even the bolder title of 'man of faith'….at least in the understanding and measurement of mankind…..but as we look back upon this particular turning point, we see a pivotal moment in the life of Jacob…..the point where he became Israel, father of the twelve tribes of the nation of Israel and the fulfillment of the promise God made to the patriarch of us all, Abraham.

Jacob…. conniving as much as he was spiritual, consumed by moments of extremely strong faith laced with very real fear who is the patriarch of a family in disarray that eventually leads them into a straight path. This man, whose name translates "deceiver" is the physical start of the nation bearing his new name, is very relatable to each of us….a man of weakness and strengths born of his humanity who strives imperfectly for spiritual life. Through his story we see important moments in a journey born of faith and the encompassing power and depth of God's grace. Jacob, who starts life grasping the heel of his brother, Esau, is often stylized as the thinker while Esau is the doer….a manly man who simply dominates the second simply by his nature. Even in their father's eye, Esau was the more desired and favored of the two. Maybe that is part of why Jacob connived to steal the birthright…..this desire to be more than just second best.

Whatever the reasons; selfish or spiritually driven, the lessons of this deceiver turned nation-builder is too clear in the path that Ortberg discusses, it flows and ebbs in the tidal wave of Jacob's life. As Greg Laurie writes in his book Wrestling with God: Prayer that never gives up, "To a great extent, it wasn't so much that Jacob was wrestling to get something from God; rather, God was wrestling to get something from Jacob." The call had been placed upon Jacob in the midst of his disruptive and broken life….the story's known as Jacob's ladder that takes place in Luz as Jacob flees his father's and brother's wrath for stealing the birthright (Genesis 28:10-19)…..the fear is also expressed in v17 he was afraid, and said, How dreadful is this place! This is none other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven. This is the state of Jacob as he enters into the complexities of the relationships with Laban, Leah and Rachel…..and then comes full circle into the confrontation with Esau that he dreaded all these years since running away…..even as he faces his brother, his fear causes him to beg God for His mercy because of the prophetic dream God had given him……as Jacob put it…..'You promised so You can't let this turn out bad.'

It is in that moment, that grasping upon the promise that Jacob saw within the dream that God moves…..bringing into Jacob's life that moment of complete…….

Surrender.

Jacob spent his life desperate for a spiritual breakthrough…..fighting against God as his humanity dominated his hope, his trust and his life. He boxed with God, using the promise of the ladder dream as his 'ends justifying the means'…..and did so with human success. And at the moment where desperation and all too real fear made him realize that there was nothing that he could do, nothing that would pull him out of the mire of complexities and bad choices, He begs God to remember the promise….to bring His protection. And God comes to wrestle. No simple zap with a lightning bolt, no booming voice in the desert and no dream of promising futures. God shows up, when Jacob is alone and wrestles with him until 'the breaking of the day.' (Genesis 32:24).

Coming up against God……human vs Supernatural….human fragility vs Godly strength….I wonder why Jacob didn't throw in the towel within minutes. Surely his spirit was torn, bouncing back and forth between the 'fall-back' point of his human ambitions and his 'big, hairy, audacious dream' of godly spirituality. Maybe, as Laurie points out in his book, Jacob simply did what had been the trait of his whole life: struggled. Laurie points out an all too-important lesson that Jacob teaches us in this moment…."In recognized weakness lies our strength." Jacob spent his whole life up to this point struggling between his human fragility and his desire to pursue God. He never achieved the overpowering of the old nature with the new…..he failed, cheated and connived his way to get the things he felt due him, and yet had moments of spiritual clarity that he recognized God's presence. By our current 'corporate church environment', Jacob was such a failure that he'd never even be an elder in the church…..probably not even a greeter at the entrance.

"God met Jacob in this surprising way in order to reduce Jacob to a sense of his nothingness" Laurie writes, "to cause him to see what a poor, helpless and weak man he really was." Jacob, always second place who struggled to be at the top came into direct confrontation with his humanity and clung not to its weakness but to the reality of God…..weeping as he wrestled with God for the blessing he knew he did not deserve, that his life did not reflect and that he knew relied solely upon his determination to hang on despite the real fear that God would decide the same.

The result of this wrestling…..a limp. God displaced his hip and forever altered Jacob's life. He would live with some pain, as I am told is a result of an injury that would cause someone to limp the rest of their life. He would never be fully able to take care of himself and his family as a robust, healthy and strong man. There would be limitations, perceived through others or by his physical condition, but still there.

Yet, after God touched him and left him with the reminder of the event, He blessed him and brought him into the promise that He had intended for Jacob; Israel, he would forever be known as and from him would the great nation of the same name be born…….from that nation a Savior would rise to bring about the next step in the story of God about the redemption and restoration of man.

Laurie quotes E.M. Bounds and his book The Necessity of Prayer in his book. It touches the deepest parts of me as I journey much like Jacob did before he wrestled with God. Many nights have been 'haunted' by prayer, the utterance of a broken, rejected and passionate man that fights daily against his old nature and finds failures. A man who urgently utters the insistent cries of his heart to be used, no matter how, in the events of the greater story…..to be not someone but a vessel of a beloved son that draws others from the darkness of this world into the warm and loving embrace of God's grace and truth. In The Necessity of Prayer, Bounds writes,

"Importune prayer is a mighty movement of the soul towards God. It is a stirring of the deepest forces of the soul, toward the throne of heavenly grace. It is the ability to hold on, press on, and wait. Restless desire, restful patience, and the strength of grasp are all embraced in it. It is not an incident, or a performance, but a passion of the soul. It is not a want……but a sheer necessity."

It is "the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man" Laurie says that James talks about. It is something profound, intense and totally God-driven, that is a driving privilege of a child of God that defies 'speaking it into existence' or 'naming and claiming.' It is the broken realization that in our fragility we are still undeserving, unworthy and incapable of the wondrous and impossible dreams of Godly vision that God entices us with but we are, because of the connection and salvation born by the beating of our new heart, beset with a deep yearning for….a deep longing to be….used for His glory. Despite the life of our past, the failures of our present and the hopelessness of our future from a human perspective.

It is, in my own life, the realization that I may spend the rest of my days struggling, failing, moving and falling back upon the image of a rejected son….uncomfortable and uncertain except in the deepest recesses of my heart of the image of a beloved son….and it is by that brokenness, that realization of the utter hopelessness of my nothingness that God's glory and power and love will shine into the lives of others, bringing a greater awareness and understanding of the power of God's plan and the peace of His salvation.

In Jacob's life, we see how God makes good on His promises to take that intended for evil and turned to good by God's extraordinary grace……as evidenced most powerfully by a son who enjoyed a beloved status sold into slavery by resentment that would be instrumental in the preservation of the nation….."And God sent me before you to preserve you a remnant in the earth, and to save you alive by a great deliverance. So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God: and he hath made me a father to Pharaoh and lord of all his house, and ruler over all the land of Egypt." (Genesis 45:7-8 ASV) That man was Joseph.

In my life, unseen and unknown, maybe there is a Joseph that God has purposed for the greater work of preserving His children in the times ahead that I will be a part of getting them started on the journey towards that purpose, a part of drawing them along into the shaping and mentoring that Joseph needed to test his mettle, so that when that moment where he stood as Esther did and Moses did and Peter did and Paul did…….the realization of God's glory and their part within that story are made known in such a manner that defies human understanding and knowledge, drawing those still lost into His grace.

Jacob, "deceiver', became known as Israel, "one who has struggled with God."

His struggle changed a group of people into a history of God's fatherhood….and brought about another step in the progression of God's larger story in the history of all of humanity.

That's not such a bad legacy to leave, nor a life to live.

For the glory of God suffer we all, for our own victories for His grace do we wrestle with Him in the night.