My voice....

"Stop judging so that you will not be judged. Otherwise, you will be judged by the same standard you use to judge others. The standards you use for others will be applied to you. So why do you see the piece of sawdust in another believer's eye and not notice the wooden beam in your own eye? How can you say to another believer, 'Let me take the piece of sawdust out of your eye,' when you have a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye. Then you will see clearly to remove the piece of sawdust from another believer's eye." Matthew 7:1-5 GWT

Long ago, in a place not far from where I now stand, an event happened that would change the lives of two people for twenty years or so. In the tempest of the storms that raged in the lives of these two souls, it was more than the storms that would wound both to the point of separation.

I was one of those who stood in those events of that day and I was the one who spoke in woundedness, bitterness, pain, and anguish against another who's only crime was stepping into the future that was being shaped for him. Accusations of 'selling out' and abandoning the family that had survived many a trial before created a wound that would drive the gap between me and that person for years and years, through the death of a father, the death of a mother, and the death of a grandmother.

That person was my older brother.

And the ensuing silence that has haunted the bond that once stood unbroken never left my ears.

Not realizing the depth of the wounding I had caused with my angry words, regardless of the reasoning that I had behind them (faulty reasoning at best, wounded reaction at the worst), that connection would ripple across the landscape of my life for years. My younger brother, with whom contact was more frequent, was more painful than the silence of the elder. Through the connection of the younger sister, the brothers would stay tenaciously connected to the bond of family broken upon the altar of this world.

There is more than just this one thing that would cause the bond of the unbreakable four to be torn asunder and there is more than I who hold blame, responsibility, and wounded brokenness that ripped the fabric of each of our lives so long ago, and in such painful ways. And maybe what is lost will never be recaptured, never see the blinding light of day.

Almost a year ago today, I stood before a group of godly men and told my story. I had touched, in that painful half-hour or so of tearful recollection, upon this silent relationship of my elder brother and I. The painful traffic-wreck relationship of the younger brother and I. Bearing responsibility for whatever I had done to endure the silence (for much of my life up to seven years ago is borne under wounded bitterness and grief), I spoke to the silent gathering of that which was lost and faded in the annuals of time.

I spoke of being criticized by a father who knew of the painful truth of having a son who looked like him, acted like him, and spoke like him but had none of the qualities that the elder had or the younger showed promise of. Of fighting to find the value under a brother to which life seemed a breeze and accolades fell like rain around his feet. But I never spoke, had forgotten or hidden, the event that would silence the brother who would leave upon an adventure that would take him far away and silence him for what seemed forever.

Four years ago, I stood in the back of a church with a million thoughts racing through my mind. Would the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob finally be found in this warehouse converted into a worship center? Would I get the feeling that once was a Sunday event in the torn world of my past? Or would the silence that even pervaded my brother's relationship with me continue to invade everything else, as it had done since I turned my back on the religiosity of the hypocritical Pharisees that to this day stand on tradition and universal multitudes of ways to the "god" we've designed as a people since the Fall.

God spoke, in a whisper………."Don't you think it's time to come home?"

And my world has never been the same. Can never be the same. And it was then that I began a journey that brought me to this day. And, like that Saturday a year ago, I have been disrupted and brought to a place where the grace of God is displayed and the forgiveness of the Christ permeates the soul, where the strength of my weakness is the glory of God.

Again, I've heard God speak…….but in my brother's voice.

Four years ago, the silence that the brutalness of my words brought upon the heart of my brother was invaded through the mighty hand of the God we both know…four years ago, since the rededication and ignition of the faith that I never realized was visited upon me in that cheap seat in the back of a converted warehouse. And God started to work……….

I turned my brother's silence over to God, giving Him the power and permission to invade the portions of my heart long bricked over and forgotten in the hallways of my past. And there wasn't a total peace that was brought, but patient conviction that in time, when I was ready to face those wounds and painful memories, God would move.

Maybe not towards reconciliation or restoration, but a healing.

I heard that my brother had become a missionary with the Navigators and was in Germany on an Air Force base that most likely he had once stood as a Air Force Officer. He was doing good things and really working to the design and purpose to which God had given and purposed to him.

I sent an email.

And my world exploded yesterday with the reply.

The thing that hit me the most was the ending……………

Love, Larry.

The beam has been removed, and by the strength of the Father we both love, I stand in awe.

The silence is no more.

This time, I will use my voice.....

To say I'm sorry.....

And I love you too...

State of Fear

“When I am afraid I will trust in You. In God I will praise His Word; in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do to me. (Psa 56:3-4 MKJV)”

Life is full of harrowing experiences, that truly realized, should paralyze each and every one of us. In an blink of an eye, a friend who is the vision of health is felled by a diagnosis of cancer in their sinus. A loved one that spoke with you just moments before has become a victim of a mindless drunk that careened into their car, killing them instantly. A father, increased in age, goes to make coffee in his modest mobile home one morning with the anticipated arrival of a dear friend, who finds him collasped upon the living room floor, dead from a heart that pumps no more.
We make a lifestyle out of fear; fear for an enivronment that we truly cannot control or fix, fear of war, fear of relationships and the fear of being alone. And, Christians aren’t immune to this state of fear that we are constantly bombarded with through the news, friend’s opinions, and a frank lack of understanding of a God that is far beyond anything our human minds can comprehend.
We use it in unhealthy manner, as an excuse not to love those we feel are truly beyond any reasonable assumption of being loved. Fear of listening to a voice we aren’t sure is God’s because the direction it is telling us to travel is so farfetched and abnormal that we don’t want to go. Fear of being truly in relationship with those who can and do hurt us. Fear of letting go of those who aren’t healthy for us in pursuit of a love we feel we can never be worthy of.
We fear, a natural and sometimes helpful response to the chaotic and deadly environment that surrounds us and that we are dependant on for our very survival.
We fear God, a good thing and a healthy response to such a powerful, mighty, and holy Being.
But in everything that we fear, it is how we react in that fear that tells us and the world around us what we believe to be true, what we want to be true, and what we know is true. We put ourselves into a position where we trust the very thing that we should and often fear the most; a righteous and holy God.
If we truly trust in God and the promises made to us in His holy word, why do we agonize over making a stand for our faith? If we truly trust and fear God, why do we continue to allow the minority rule over the majority? We put up leaders like Clinton and Obama, McCain and Guilliani, and then complain over the choice that seem so dim and limiting instead of speaking out in truth and light and stating our faith-based preferences.
If we truly trust in God, why do we allow ourselves to fear what a religious band of terrorists, indoctrinated by the very religious leaders that claim peaceful intentions? Why do we continue to quiet our voices in response to a misquoted, misrepresented, and misinterpeted word called “tolerance”.
If we truly, as children of God, fear God more than we fear man fail to trust in God to fulfill His promiese to us and speak out? Why do we fear what flesh can do to us more than what God can do to us?