He's everywhere that I am.....

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:7-12 (NIV)

I spent Sunday unlike any Sunday I have spent in some time now, in a church. No, I've gone to church in that 'some time' frame I speak of and I've been the Senior Chaplain of Meadowbrook Chapel for over a year now. No, I went to church Sunday at the beckoning of the Lord.

A church that isn't in transition so much as it is in MOVEMENT. A church that has, after three years, obtained a structure in which to hold services on Sunday. A church that is not about those walls that contain its physical presence but rather what is happening outside those walls and where the Lord will lead them. A church with life, a life that is focused on what God wants, not what God needs.

A church in which the Pastor spoke of a old direction with a new twist. A church where expression isn't so much the expectation but the realization of the presence of the Holy Spirit. A church, so small in its physical congregation that I was immediately spotted as a 'newcomer' and spoke to as an old friend. A church so large in its mission that I find myself eager again to be about the business of God's kingdom.

The verse was part of one of the Pastor's wife speaking about the conference on healing that the Pastor, his wife, and one other leadership couple went to the previous week. But it wasn't the sermon about the healing sessions or the impact that it had on all who attended that made this particular section of the Psalm 139 chapter stick to me and give me my 'eat the carpet' moment…..you know, that moment when the presence of God is so powerful and so---well, present----that makes you want to go lower than the carpet…..because you feel so unworthy to be in such powerful light…….

I realized how much I need to be impacted, like drinking from a waterfall to quench my thirst…..that sweeping away of the fragility of my humanity to see a glimpse of what we each were intended to be and how much I fail to even come close to that vision. Which makes me reflect upon how much I need the indwelling of the Spirit to overcome the things that my flesh desires that remain sinfulness to God and how much I cannot do it on my own.

And how I can't hide from God, no matter where I go. When my life was in the darkness and I openly rebelled against God (if it was 'christian', I did the opposite), God was there. He rescued me from a few moments in my life that would've ensured my damnation and therefore my destination in the pits of Hell. He spoke to me, and spoke again when I would turn away from His whispering voice. He was there in that darkness, a presence that defied the black inkiness of its despair and stood as a beacon in the night.

He was there at that church on Sunday morning.......when it seemed the Pastor was speaking directly to me regarding a place I fear.....

He was there last night, as I failed again to overcome a desire to protect and defend myself, as I moved in pain and caused pain to those who love me.

He was there when I despaired in the darkness of my broken heart and He was there when I woke this morning, offering what little I have to His work, His command.

He is there as I stress about the bills, the apartment, the car, the family, and the relationships in tangle. He is there as I struggle to give it all to Him.

With open arms……..

Just thinking

"He who rebukes a man shall afterward find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue." Proverbs 28:23 (Amplified Bible)

In the struggles that seem to flow over me like a tsumami wave, I find no respect being given in even the smallest of ways and I find sorrow in the realization that the battle fought isn't going to be won, because flattery is winning over rebuking sin and redeeming the relationship between me and another.

I have been called too intolerant; of behavior that brings temporary relief to this person's shame, brings joy of the humanistic kind that doesn't last in my presence, and ignorance to the truth that would set them free. I am intolerant of a relationship that doesn't live to the design. Not my wishes, but the wishes of the Father.

I have clung to the promises of God and sought to restore my worship, my praise, and my fellowship with the One who made the skies and the stars. Silence seems to pervade my life and devotionals aren't bringing the peace that those who abide in God's family are entitled to experience.

I wonder, in those times where it seems the weight of the world is steady upon my shoulders, why God would allow things to go so well, yet go so wrong. I question, I argue, and I sorrow.

Sometimes there seems to be a momentary peace, but it is momentary. Sometimes it seems like a turn has taken place in the direction of restoration, but then the relapse occurs. Up and down, like a storm tossed ship, my journey in the pilgrimage is become rocky and uncertain in the progress of the day.

And yet…….

I can do nothing more than to question, argue, sorrow, and then accept that the God of Creation is no respecter of persons that His plan is as unknown and inhumanity unforeseen as an all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-holy God can make it. I feel the isolation of the sin that has broken the relationship between Creator and created……

But I stand upon His strength……

And fall to my knees to pray and praise……….