Dreaming......

I sit in silence, encamped around the campfire in the wilderness of this journey in isolation and singleness. Nothing seems to penetrate this inky blackness that surrounded the feeble light coming in waves from the fire and the fuel upon which its consumption demands seems strangely absent…. As if it were fed by an eternal source rather than a secular one. There are no sounds in the darkness, no ravenous beasts lurking outside the boundary of light and no echoing cries of gathering among the creatures that dwell in the darkness waiting on the prey of lost souls and foolish mortals who dare to carry their torches into its jaws.

God is here. Whether in the darkness or the light, He is here. My eyes cannot discern His image in the flames nor in the lukewarm light that is cast from its swaying bulk. I cannot see beyond the boundaries of the circle of this light, flickering as it does. But I know He is here, even as my heart cries out into the silence for Him to come and my eyes strain once again as they scan the surrounding darkness and light. I know He is here, but where…. That I do not know.

I have been sitting here for much too long, so long that my dreams that have me walking into the darkness with sword and shield in hand to take on the beast of the enemy for the sake of the souls that are being consumed in the teeth of these things seems so real to me that it is like an electric shock when I wake from them and see myself still sitting by the fire and draped in the dust of immobility. The epic adventures of being a man of God, of being a husband, father and preacher all disappear like wisps of shadow that clear from my eyes upon waking. And my heart sorrows once more for the continuance of this place, this fire, this isolation.

But I know He is here…..I just don’t know what He wants from me.

Or do I?

Within this circle, crowded into this circle I should admit, of light is my tent, my cooking materials and my large backpack all stuffed with the things that I both needed for the journey and the things I have picked up along the way. All my fears, phobias, illnesses, and pains packed neatly within its bulk, so heavy that it makes its own imprint in the ground. The financial chains that have burdened me for so long still nicely wrapped around its body. The fear of humanity laced into the bindings and the agony of this world filling its insides for padding. My comforts, those things that I wouldn’t dare leave home without lie in my tent, it’s walls the assurance of keeping the weather at bay (mostly an illusion) and the comfort of the sleeping bag calling me to remain within its warmth and cushiony cocoon rather than coming out to sit by this fire again. Some days, I remain lost in its siren call….. but most days I escape with a sorrowful sigh from its embrace and come out to petition the God whom I cannot see. Have not seen for some time.

Companions come and go by this fire, most seem like fleeting shadows themselves…..I register their presence only after they are gone, their ability to sit in this place with me as temporary as my dreams. Whispers hang on the air until I sample them, unfamiliar images and words casting a vision that I cannot understand and therefore reject as real because of the unrealistic nature of their casting. Can I tell if they are of God, the companions that come and go, or the damaged parts of my heart that cry out in anger and woundedness for what they have never known but what they needed the most? No, I cannot tell where these words, these images, and visions come from. They sit there in the still, thick air until I touch them and then they are gone. The feelings of hope, trust and dreaming that they elicit fade just as quickly and I am left with the emptiness once more.

I sit in the filth of my immobility, caked in the dirt of my creation and the grit of my human sinfulness……. Even as the water that has washed me clean rains down from the heavens and cleanses me once more, wakening in me a desire to stand and go…..unburdened by the depravity of my humanity and unhindered by the chains of my consequences. A desire to grab the sword and shield and rush out into the darkness uttering from the depths of my being that battle cry that lies consuming my soul in the pit of my stomach. I want to be free of this place, doing glorious things for the God I know lies both in the light and the darkness and reaching to those who lie in the filth of isolation and despair like I have been, in the darker places without fire or provision. To be nothing ordinary but to be extraordinary in the purposes to which my hand has been matched and my heart written with.

To be a source of glory rather than a source of sorrow.

Yet, even as I stand and feel my heart beating harsh and strong within my chest as my hands grab the sword and shield at my feet and raise them high…… even as I look around this campfire and nod as if in silent goodbye…… even as I turn, feeling the war cry building in the depths of my being and bubbling up through my throat and tingling at the gateway of my mouth…… even then, the doubt lurks there and I wonder if this is yet another dream beginning to which I will wake in the morning sorrowful at its departure.

But even as the despair begins, I step out and into the vision cast before me.

Epic battles are fought in this twilight and glorious victories are surrendered before the King, my God whom I know is around me even as I cannot see Him. Souls are saved, mercies are given and hearts are transformed in the visions of my dreams, even as my humanity corrupts their continuance and beckons their end.

I awake once more cocooned in the warmth of my sleeping bag, the mist of the dawn which I cannot see dusting the walls of my tent. And I begin once again the battle to escape the embrace of the reality of a corrupt world and step out into the eternal truth of the God that waits outside the tent flaps for my obedient movement into the shadows where I cannot see.

One day I will step out into the new world that He has promised, complete and fulfilled by the promises that He has completed as He has assured me He would.

On that day…… on that day, I will be able to see His face.

Until then, I will continue to struggle to be that which I cannot understand and hope for the glories that are promised by my dreams.

Unlosable Salvation.......unforgettable faith

“My sheep give ear to my voice, and I have knowledge of them, and they come after me: And I give them eternal life; they will never come to destruction, and no one will ever take them out of my hand. That which my Father has given to me has more value than all; and no one is able to take anything out of the Father's hand. I and my Father are one.” John 10: 27-30 BBE

It has been one of ‘those’ weekends, where the defining line between hope and despair are dimmed and the reality of the impossible faith becomes see-through in the light of day. And in ‘that’ weekend, I typically consume myself and wonder if I am some kind of cosmic joke to God….a checker moved about a board of real harsh reality, at the whim of the pleasure and amusement of a God that doesn’t care……that has predestined me for the scrap heap rather than the treasure pile.

The furnace isn’t coming on as it should have and it’s getting colder.

It is funny how quickly the fabric of my life unwinds under the pressure of living. Seems there is always a crisis to overcome, a moment in time that bears some pain and the continuing saga of struggle against something; sin, financial insolvency, depression, or a host of other things. I have a huge electric/gas bill, a ‘penalty’ bill from DirectTV and no gas/non-food money for a while….at least two weeks, until I can start working as a cab driver….which I need really to get some glasses to make it easier to read street signs and a dentist to help with some tooth pain.

Money can’t buy you love but it is the currency for everything else.

Pastor John McLean, the former Elder Pastor of Berean Bible Church was giving the sermon at church last Sunday, to which I had arrived late because I ran out of gas on the way into church….ironically outside another church that was meeting at a local middle school on Hix road…..two people blasted past me at the entrance to the school and walked into service. Guess there’s nothing like being late for service?! Pastor McLean was giving a sermon on 1 John 5:18 ff about how to identify a Christian.

Always of interest for someone in the position like mine.

One thing that struck me that he said was that a Christian will always struggle against the tendency to sin…..the temptation if you will…..to allow the old nature to supersede the new. Daily we have to face that old nature, that lives within ourselves, a duality that seems to be impossible but isn’t in the reality of this place. It amazes me that there are those who claim to be sin-free in this world, who walk a clearer path, truly, but still face the temptations and the slippery slope of sinfulness. In their denial lies sin.

We claim to follow Christ and yet, in the very basic structure of that we lose the meaning of following Him….of being made righteous in His sacrifice and brought instantly into perfection because we are a linear people, unable to project ourselves into that reality even as we struggle in this one. Christ walked the earth in a dual nature; fully God, fully Man. I’ve often wondered why that was the case, why God….one of the Trinity….would have to suspend His Godliness to be human so that He could save the whole of mankind. Oh, I understand that He had to stand in for each of us, to be a substitutionary payment of the sins that have kept us from God’s relationship, the perfect Lamb without blemish taking on the blemish of the world. Without reason, without right…..we have the ability because of the part of God that is within us (faith) to claim that sacrifice, that payment, as ours and become co-heirs with Christ.

But in that duality of nature; where Christ was fully God and fully Man, it brings a greater and more meaningful understanding why He came to live among us, to save us and stands waiting for the time when He will come again to claim what is His and His alone. A lesson, a promise and the methods to which we can walk in the duality of our own nature as He did….being true followers, disciples, of the Lord God, our King and Redeemer. We will never lose this old nature that has been harbored in this corrupt body and we will never be free of the sinfulness of the world that has decayed along with the rest of creation as it waits for mankind’s redemption. We can’t, for in the realization that we are corrupt lies our salvation, in our realization of the depravity of ourselves we find the ability to turn to Him and see where the truth lies, where the hope is born and where the righteousness of the Spirit embedded in us from the moment of our salvation resides. We find our abilities, our works, and our moralistic ‘goodness’ paled and worthless in the light of God. We realize that we cannot, will not, and are not able to walk with God by our own strength.

“When the soul discovers this divine influence, they leave aside all their good works, practices of devotion, methods, books, ideas and spiritual persons in order to be guided by God alone, entrusting themselves to that purpose which has become the only source of perfection for them.” Father Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Joy of Full Surrender.

As George Mueller related to us, it is at that moment where we reach the impossibility of ourselves to do the work and purpose to which we have been designed, endowed and set aside for in the perfect and glorious plan of God for the permanence of His kingdom here on earth…….when we realize beyond that shadow of a doubt that we cannot be the person needed for that job…..when we face the depravity of our nature and realize it cannot be in the same room as a holy and righteous God, at that moment

We become free.

Because we can face the depravity of our old nature with the dominance of the new because God is in control and God has the power to overcome the sinfulness of that nature and bring us towards the righteousness we have already be imparted with. His elect have been already identified and He is shaping each one of them to pick up their crosses at the time of His perfection so that they become the mighty warriors the Kingdom has to fight against the evilness of the lost one and his minions.

We are sheep…… moving at the sound of our Shepherd’s voice and gathering together under His protection for the promised safety, the imparted comfort and trust that comes from surrendering ourselves to the authority and power that lies within us because of the impartation of the Holy Spirit. We accept the brokenness of our nature, our bodies and our world, surrendering it all to the thrashing floor of God’s house…….we become journeyers without a map, guided by a pillar of smoke in the day and a column of fire at night.

Restless souls longing for home at complete and utter peace as we journey on.

“God’s action is forever new.” Father de Caussade writes, “It never retraces its steps, but always marks out new paths. Those who are led in this way never know where they are going. Their roads are to be found neither in books nor in their own minds. God’s action moves them step by step, and they go forward only by His leading.”

That is the duality of living that Christ showed us, while He was fully God yet He surrendered Himself and His path to the will of the Father and brought His fully human nature constantly under the mantle of God’s control. He walked in the truth because He surrendered Himself to it and never strayed because God Himself cannot sin, God Himself cannot commit evil and if God Himself is in control, how could Christ do wrong?

Once we accept Christ as the Savior who died for our sins, confessing with our mouths and being baptized in representation of His death and resurrection as a public declaration of who’s we are……we can never be shaken from that salvation.

The rest of the journey is developing the faith we have been given to the awesome and inspiring heights of glory for our God through the divine influence of His power, perfection and sanctification.

And it is when we have reached those plateaus of doubt, where belief cannot survive and faith requires us to accept that which we cannot understand…..at that moment, we become the greatest weapons in our Father’s arsenal.

For the greater glory of God.